navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #7 » lonely now (an experiment)
Open Poetry #7
Post A Reply Post New Topic lonely now (an experiment) Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Ethan Halo
Senior Member
since 2000-04-28
Posts 793
on the roof again

0 posted 2000-05-23 02:24 AM


lonely now


We used to spend the day in bed;
rub our feet together 'cause the blanket was too short.
let the phone ring; shut the door on the world.
you know,
i'd never had no reasons before
to ever doubt the look in your eye.
And now it's clear to both of us:
A wishing well for broken dreams
and if you make a wish,
you can hear the screams.

You said that it's over.
But we both know better.
You said that i don't love you.
But you don't remember...

you don't feel nothing.

We used to sneak in through your backgate
Hoping your parents wouldn't hear us.
We could stay up all night.
I can still hear you laugh...
Now it's a god-awful sound.
Oh, please remember...

You said that it's over.
But we both know better.
You said that i don't love you.
But you don't remember...

you don't feel nothing.
and i'm lonely now.

< !signature-->

 We all got somethin' we need to atone for.


[This message has been edited by Ethan_Halo (edited 05-23-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Ethan Halo - All Rights Reserved
Ethan Halo
Senior Member
since 2000-04-28
Posts 793
on the roof again
1 posted 2000-05-23 02:25 AM



*this is my experiment to have free verse stanzas and a rhyming chorus. it's not all the way done, but tell me what you think.*

netswan
Senior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 1369
Washington
2 posted 2000-05-23 05:21 AM


Ethan
This poem has a potential of being a gentle,
painful poem of love lost  and maybe
regained?  

We used to spend the day in bed
rubbing our feet together
that blanket was too short, remember?

we'd shut the door on the world
and let the telephone ring
you know,
I never had any reasons before
to ever doubt the look in your eye
And now it's clear to both of us


You could put the poem in Critical Analysis
and get some sound advice. I am not comfortable with this in open forum.

But, he who asks, should receive --)

~netswan



[This message has been edited by netswan (edited 05-23-2000).]

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #7 » lonely now (an experiment)

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary