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Kaos
Member

since 2001-08-02

Posts 317
between space and time

0 posted 2005-08-13 01:58 AM

I waste so much life
  in hatred
mostly of my own existence
  hate
in accomplishing nothing
hatred
that i've left myself alone
through my own mirage
of life
   that i've construed
mindless   through life
alive
  but barely       breathing
Confused!
  to my presence
confused
   and alone
lost
as to the nature of my lonleiness
I long   to share
   my joys
and my sorrows
   and my love
            with someone
   i long
for someone
     to share with me
hey guys, i'm not sure i like the last 3 lines, let me know what you think

8-13-05
-kaos

" Breathe life, for you are not alone"
- Killswitch Engage

junemac
Senior Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 1005
uk

1 posted 2005-08-28 12:27 PM

Hi Kaos, First one of yours I have read and .... I like your style. I love the layout and the subject matter and found this one quite fresh and exciting to read. I tend to agree with you on the last three lines, maybe it would be worth going back to the first three lines ( which were very powerful ) and pick up on them to maybe add a reversal of those feelings at the end for the last three. Just a thought ?? Or if you leave the last three as they are, then maybe change one or two of the words, particularly the word 'share' as it is used twice, that may just be enough to really finish a brilliant poem off with a flourish.
What an excellent poem and I hope it was ok to give you my thoughts, I know you asked for our opinions so i hope its ok.
Hugs June x

Joyce Johnson

Member Rara Avis

since 2001-03-10

Posts 9912
Washington State

2 posted 2005-08-28 09:50 PM

your poem shows an awareness of yourself that is felt by your reader. Good writing. Joyce

Kaos
Member

since 2001-08-02

Posts 317
between space and time

3 posted 2005-11-07 07:40 PM

thanks for the suggestions, i'm definately going to have to go back and change the end of that or completely cut it off, but i was just curious if i was the only one that thought so, thanks again

"Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light"
-Dylan Thomas

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