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PassionatelyRomantic
Member

since 2004-01-24

Posts 190

0 posted 2004-02-12 11:50 PM

If ever I were to have one dream,
I pray that it is of you and your beauty;
sitting next to mountain stream,
the moon's grace before thee.

And under the full moon lit night,
our gazing eyes could traverse,
all that touches dark and light,
and the depths of the entire universe.

Listening to the soft trickle of the stream,
melting into the rustling of autumn's leaves,
as stars shine brightly- continuing their scheme,
that the soft velvet night uses to deceive.

And under the fallacy of such a night,
our hearts do long to cry,
because there is no better place to be tonight,
and no one has ever loved like you and I.

[This message has been edited by PassionatelyRomantic (02-14-2004 12:11 AM).]

Rex Allen McCoy
Member Elite

since 2000-01-30

Posts 2863
Sippin a Timmy's in London

1 posted 2004-02-13 12:41 PM

I like to split sentences into line breaks to accent how I would read it aloud ... I also drop punctuation ...
Juat a thought

-----------------------------
If ever
I were to have one dream
I pray that it is of you
and your beauty
sitting next to stream
under moon's beam
that graces no one else
but you and me

And under the full moon lit night
our gazing eyes
could traverse all that touches light
and the depths
of the entire universe

Listening
to the soft trickle of the stream
melting
into the rustling
of autumn's leaves
as stars shine brightly
continuing their scheme
that the soft velvet night uses to deceive

And under the fallacy of such a night
our hearts do long to cry
because
there is no better place to be tonight
and no one
has ever loved
like you and I
-----------------------------

it's a very nice read

PassionatelyRomantic
Member

since 2004-01-24

Posts 190

2 posted 2004-02-13 12:44 PM

i appreciate your reply and input but by breaking up the sentence structure doesn't sacrifice the very principle of the rhyming abab cdcd etc? thanks...

Isobel
Senior Member

since 2004-01-17

Posts 529
Qld, Australia

3 posted 2004-02-13 12:57 PM

As I am new to poetry, I will not attempt to give you my opinion. I am a novice, so I will leave it up to the more experienced. Betty Lou and others have been writing poetry for many years, so I am sure they can give you some good advice.

I liked your poem and am sure that with age (like wine), you will ripen into a very sought after and well known poet.

Isobel

Grover
Senior Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 1967
London, ON, Canada

4 posted 2004-02-13 12:45 PM

I think it's a good poem, but since you've only put 5 minutes into it why not revise it, tighten it up and try to avoid forced rhymes. Grover.

ellie LeJeune
Member Elite

since 2000-01-10

Posts 4156
King of Prussia, PA USA

5 posted 2004-02-14 06:40 PM

All I know is that this is one beautifully romantic poem! Ellie

A friend hears the song in my heart, and sings it to me when my memory fails.

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

6 posted 2004-02-21 04:35 PM

(smiles) Awwwwwwwww, sooooooo romantic, sweet friend, I truly believe the moonlight and starlight is what brings magic to every romantic evening, yay, may stardust always fill your eyes admiring true love, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Jared, thank you for sharing!