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newbie here: read my poem please
| Corner Pub #2 |
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newbie here: read my poem please |
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phinx2003 New Member
since 2001-06-30
Posts 1 |
hey i'm new here and i just wanted yall to read some of my poems! i'm in a singing group so i also write songs well here's my poem There is a special guy that i like but yet he still doesn't notice me everytime he came around me i got weak my soft florish tounge would not move for me to speak but yet he still doesn't notice me? everytime he was near my heart flutter like a humming bird wings and when he opens his mouth to talk it's like and angel sings but yet he still doesn't notice me what do i have to do to get his attention what do i have to say what do have to mention is this the price for me not to heard i'm so scared to get the nerves but yet he still doesn't notice me? and when i do get the nerve to say what i want i look at him and get lost in thought but yet he still doesn't notice me? do i have to perform some magical act to get him to look at me i guess not cause for some reason he still doesn't notice me now i want this voice from the bottom of my lungs to scream alarm goes off? it was a dream now i know why he didn't notice me well what do u guys thing? i would love feedback |
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| © Copyright 2001 phinx2003 - All Rights Reserved | |||
Joyce Johnson
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912Washington State |
Welcome to our corner, and good luck with your poetry . Do you want some help? I would study other poets and get a better idea of how poetry should look. You are presenting this more as prose than poetry. Also if you have a spelling check on your computer you might check your spelling. I have no idea what a florish tongue is. It is a cute idea. He was paying no attention to you because he was a dream. I like that. Good luck. Joyce [This message has been edited by Joyce Johnson (edited 06-30-2001).] |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
Hi! Welcome to Passions! I enjoyed reading your first poem posted here and look forward to more! If you're looking for constructive feedback you might try posting your poem over in the critical analysis forum. There are some very smart people over there with helpful advice! Debbie |
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Trillium
since 2001-03-09
Posts 12098Idaho, USA |
The subject matter of your poem is good. However, it lacks form and disipline, which would make it so much more enjoyable to read. You have a nice beginning here and with some polishing it would be very pleasant. The idea to submit to the critical forum is worthwhile. Please consider it. Hope you'll come back! Betty Lou Hebert |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Welcome to Passions! You're off to a good start, you want to sing and write, and in that, there is a lot of joy. I agree with the other poets here, there is a lot to be said about good titles, discipline, spell-check, grammar usage, etc. There is a Forum here, English Workshop, that may be a place where you would want to start, in order to hone your skills. Your heart is definitely in the right place! |
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