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Open Poetry #8
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City of Steel
| Open Poetry #8 |
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City of Steel |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania 
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City of Steel Lonely is the steel-made city, Place of hope and wrought with pity Bustling crowds where you can hide the gritty pain of broken dreams A face that you once knew before Is all that you are hoping for An old friend knocking at your door, who readily redeems The thought of one more lovers dance Your lonely heart would beg the chance For one soul in the night perchance to listen to your song A face that you can recognize With depth of spirit in his eyes A face that you had well apprised in secret all along A dream that he would feel the same And gently whisper out your name A voice that without warning came from out of long ago You are but just an isle atoll Within the crystal city wall And many are the dreams that fall in archipelagos A city is a lonely place, But you can hide your sorrow’s face Within the steel and mirrored space you cherished once before You left the best in search of wealth Now in despair you find yourself Just waiting now for someone else to knock upon your door The crystal, steel and cold concrete It is an island of deceit And you an isle among elite who promise fortune’s day A promises is an empty word An emptiness that breeds absurd And now your heart has truly heard his call from far away The question is, are you too late Did he love you enough to wait Or did the road you chose to take completely mark your fate Elizabeth Santos [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Santos (edited 07-15-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Elizabeth Santos - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
There are many lines here that stretch the imagination, and quite a few of them sing... quote: amazing...as always... Sunny ~~~Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. Helen Keller ~~~ When you want to be loved, look within...KRJ |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
I really enjoyed your thoughts in this Elizabeth! This seems to have a little different form and flow for you ... and I like it  I like it! Lovely writing!Best wishes, /Kit |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Elizabeth, Your words are like flowers and this is a bouquet. Lovely Love Sy |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
The thought of one more lovers dance Your lonely heart would beg the chance For one soul in the night perchance to listen to your song A face that you can recognize With depth of spirit in his eyes A face that you had well apprised in secret all along A dream that he would feel the same And gently whisper out your name A voice that without warning came from out of long ago You are but just an isle atoll Within the crystal city wall And many are the dreams that fall in archipelagos ------------------- you rhyme so divine my dear ... this is such a cool poem such creative imagery and unique vocabulary choices such depth as well. very cool indeed my poetic queen  take care sweet poet jm There are places inside our souls - that have never been touched. There are places inside our hearts - that need to be loved this much. ~jm~ |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Thank you for your comments.I don't honestly think this is very good, but I do apprecate all of your remarks, Thank you Liz [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Santos (edited 07-15-2000).] |
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Yu Lan Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462New Zealand |
an interesting read.. this is good, Liz.. but I think u r right, it isn't as good as most of your others.. not bad tho.. ^_^ All mah luv, Lynne [This message has been edited by Yu Lan (edited 07-15-2000).] |
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Lone Wolf Member Ascendant
since 2000-03-16
Posts 5842Lansing, MI USA |
Liz, Unusual style here for you, but I like it. If he really loves you, he will always wait. Nice writing. LW Poetry should surprise by fine excess...it should strike the reader as a wording of his own highest thoughts and appear almost a remembrance. -J.Keats |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
It's a very difficult style but you performed it admirably. Nice work, Elizabeth |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Boy, I know I have friends when you are complimenting THIS poem. It really stinks. But you don't have to say, Liz, this stinks. Just say, "Liz, nice read", and I'll know exactly what you meant . Does everthing we write have to be good? NO. But I write a poem evry morning and this is what came out this way. Sorry about that. Now don't forget, "Nice read, LIz" will do just fine. And thank you so much for getting through this one and for commenting. This forum gives me a lot of laughs sometimes. And Yu Lan thanks for being honest. hehe But this poem really stinks. LOve ya Liz |
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Trew Member
since 2000-06-10
Posts 365Ottawa, Canada |
Not very good? Hmm... guess it shows my inexperience. I like it! Beauty, I suppose, is in the eye of the beholder. I thought it a very skilled poem, with some great images. |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Stinks? You're being a bit hard on yourself, Elizabeth. I, too, enjoyed this. You ask questions that aren't easy to answer and that I'm sure most of us have asked ourselves at one time or another. And I think you've done so beautifully! Denise |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
whats this I see...Ms Liz is disputing MY poetic eye....no no no this wont do ...  I have a reputation to uphold here my dear poetic queen ...I do not give frivolous replies...I do not "fib" on poetry... it is sacred ground... bad Karma will happen  so perhaps I need to make my case... AHEM ... *pulling out trusty cut and paste magic wand* ... "The thought of one more lovers dance Your lonely heart would beg the chance For one soul in the night perchance to listen to your song A face that you can recognize With depth of spirit in his eyes A face that you had well apprised in secret all along<<<<< this verse is perfect...look at that rhyme and then feel the sensuality of the emotions in it... YOU KNOW how I LOVE sensuality in a poem..  >>>>>> A dream that he would feel the same And gently whisper out your name A voice that without warning came from out of long ago You are but just an isle atoll Within the crystal city wall And many are the dreams that fall in archipelagos" <<< now this verse is awesome... any poem that has the word whisper gets to me.. and ANY time I have to go get a dictionary and learn a new word...the poem gets extra credit.... SO...to answer your question.. NO we dont always write our best poetry and yes this is a different type of poem for you..different subject matter... BUT it still is a well written poem and has very cool imagery and rhyme and as the person above said Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and THIS beholder LIKES the view from where shes sitting.. OKAY....OKAY... class dismissed... and now off to worship more poems and Lizzie... me loves ya... smile for me OKAY    later poet-queen-gator jm There are places inside our souls - that have never been touched. There are places inside our hearts - that need to be loved this much. ~jm~ |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Liz, this is wonderful! I especally love the structure of this poem. Only a great poet could pull that off. And great you are, my friend. "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." -Oscar Wilde "The robbed that smiles steals something from the thief" -Shakespea |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Liz, I think you just are being too harsh on yourself... Remember each poem is never a masterpiece, and of late you have been creating a lot of them with a penchant of doing so... Now this one might not measure up to those... but as I might add, this poem doesnot take of the same subject or in the same style of presentation... I ditto Janet on this that the rhyme, and the words are well present... and it is as always an enjoyable read... so you might have to take your words back a bit... stinks definitely not... A Picasso or a Rembrandt... also not... A good poem certainly yes.... Cheer up my friend, regards, sudhir |
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