Sweater of Vermillion's Fires ...

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

ma miller
Senior Member

since 2000-07-11

Posts 806

0 posted 2000-07-13 03:52 PM

SWEATER OF VERMILION'S FIRES ...

The speeding chase from day's toil to home's spoil;
Always an adventure and rarely without incident.
On this day, into sight came an object of red;
Not red of driver's ire, but red of apparel's desire.

At first glance, seemed to be something injured or dead;
But to have bled that red, poor beast to turn inside out.
No crows, hawks or owls to feast on the dead beast;
No bones, fur or antler to find -- Only the reddest red.

A second look brought thoughts of warning and danger;
A flag of some sort -- Stopping all who come as close.
No workmen, diggers or machine to warn against;
No pit, pot or drop to find -- Only the reddest red.

Sped as I did, still chance to glance at carmine's clump;
Clearer image did form as I approached scarlet's bump.
Only to find a little girl's sweater of vermilion's fires;
Only red's memory to keep her warm 'til to bed she retires.

M.A. Miller
06.08.00

My calling before me, let quill be my offering;
For to be called poet, no greater gift to receive.

Craig
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 444

1 posted 2000-07-13 05:10 PM

Was it a bird? Was it a crane?

No a super poem!

I liked your use of internal rhyme peppering this piece, it works well and complements the end rhyme in the final stanza.

If this was a critical analysis forum I’d mention the fact that line two in the second stanza made me stumble slightly ‘ poor beast turned inside out’, I think it’s the use of beast which is also used (to great effect tied with feast) in the next line. The image is there, an animal that would have to be literally turned inside out to show that much red but it seems awkward, perhaps ‘ poor chest turned inside out’. Then again it could just be my bad reading, anyway as this isn’t a critical analysis forum I’ll hold my tongue and not mention it.

I really did enjoy this poem, it was well thought out and well written.

Thanks for the chance to read and reply .
< !signature-->

Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool:
But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet.

[This message has been edited by Craig (edited 07-13-2000).]

ma miller
Senior Member

since 2000-07-11

Posts 806

2 posted 2000-07-13 09:22 PM

Thanks Craig for the critique ... I don't mind that this is not the Critical Board ... I welcome constructive criticism ... After having read (and reread) your "Two Heads", I can appreciate your thoughts ... I will consider a change based upon your suggestions ... I too stumbled a bit upon rereading that particualr passage ... Thanks again ...

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

3 posted 2000-07-13 09:48 PM

Excellent writing, MA!

Denise

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.