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Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

0 posted 2000-12-31 09:34 PM

~*~You and Me~*~

So many times I try and understand you.
It never works.
You're so complex, so different.
I can't reach you.
You tell me things, then shut me out.
I don't understand.
Why do you do this, it doesn't make sense.
You're like me.
You're my sister, and I'm your sister.
You're too original.
You keep things inside, and let them explode.
It's dangerous.
I want to fall in love with someone.
You won't let me.
I play sports, and so do you.
We're so alike.
The emotions are more dangerous than the sports.
It scares me.
I've figured it you, why we're so alike.
You are me.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

1 posted 2000-12-31 09:41 PM

I think the message and theme in this poem is good. I've tried to write a poem like this. A battle of minds and bla bla bla....and then at the end you conclude it with....well with pretty much saying your battling yourself.
Although, i think it needs a bit more work. The transition of thoughts is scattered and not smooth. The poem was nice though.....keep it up.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

2 posted 2000-12-31 09:51 PM

Kay. Thanks for you opinion... I'll work on it a bit and see what I can come up with. If you have any suggestions (anyone) just let me know, eh? Thanks again!

~*Skyfire

*~Always Canadian*~
~*~I used to be an idiot, but I'm all right now~*~

DreamerGrl27
Member

since 2000-10-29

Posts 142

3 posted 2000-12-31 10:24 PM

I think the poem was good, but I do agree with Dopey that it doesnt flow that smoothly. Maybe try making it a little longer and adding in some more comparisons...like some where in between falling in love and playing sports. I dont know...its just an idea. Good job though, I think the theme of it is really creative and it should turn out nice.

Melster
Member

since 2000-12-09

Posts 442
Brisbane, Qld, Australia

4 posted 2001-01-01 12:54 PM

Message and meaning are great, though I can't offer any suggestions to help the flow of the poem... good luck!!

Melz!!

Dont believe what ur eyes r telling u they only show limitation. Look with ur understanding, find out what u already know & u will see the way to fly

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

5 posted 2001-01-01 05:04 PM

I liked the poem regaurdless of how well it flowed...there are no laws in art so knock yourself out with any technique that you choose to write your poems. Either way they come from you and they have meaning...all poems dont need to flow, we need some diversity in here! Great job hun...Keep em comin!

jeremydraul
Senior Member

since 2000-08-01

Posts 1118
State of Despair

6 posted 2001-01-01 05:07 PM

yes, u can use whatever technique you want! great job!

~JDR

"A writer doesn't acquire a vacancy of mind, but rather a inadequacy of words." - Jeremy D. Raulinaitis

Pixie-Babe03
Member

since 2000-08-29

Posts 387
Central Maine

7 posted 2001-01-01 05:52 PM

Great work! i liek the format too

keep posting!
~*Pixie*~

IsGona
Senior Member

since 2000-07-14

Posts 723

8 posted 2001-01-02 12:04 PM

Nice job on this one. I love the formatt and the idea. Since you are asking for suggestions I will make one.

Perhaps just switching the order of some of these lines would be useful.

Start of with the battle.
Then realize the similarities
And then "You are me"

I thaught this was a wonderful poem but since you asked for suggestions, I thaught I'd see what I'd come w/. You are a great writer. Keep up the good work.
MY fav line was
"I want to fall in love with someone.
You won't let me."

good work,
Jason
< !signature-->

"Every body has their destiny...
I'LL CHOOSE MY OWN
~Hatebreed~

[This message has been edited by IsGona (edited 01-02-2001).]

Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

9 posted 2001-01-02 12:58 PM

i thought it was good, ill leave the criticing to the masterminds....lol.
i personally think that sometimes when poetry doesnt flow it represents an emtion. fustration,anger,sadness...etc. what u feel is how it usaully will be represented.
REgina
ooo...that made my brain hurt...lol

Greeneyes617
Member

since 2000-11-22

Posts 329
Arkansas

10 posted 2001-01-02 01:13 PM

Wow.. very intense. Nice job.

Lakewalker
Member Elite

since 2000-08-05

Posts 3289
On the streets w/ people

11 posted 2001-01-02 02:30 PM

I'd like to see any changes you make with this, and I do think that it's really good already!!

"Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker
http://www.thehungersite.com

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

12 posted 2001-01-02 05:01 PM

thanks you guys... I'm still working on it, so I'll post the revision when I'm done it...

~*Rhonda (aka Skyfire)

"I am Canadian" - Joe
If you set limitations upon yourself, it's no wonder you fall short of your dreams - Rhonda J. Adolph

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