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This is from explorer....i need help.
| Teen Poetry #3 |
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This is from explorer....i need help. |
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Salooma Senior Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 781 |
Hello....well I'm writing this poem for a friend, to give to him for our holiday coming up on WED. Sooo.....I need some wonderful advice from all of you at Passions that can help me with what I have...add, subtract, etc whatever you feel makes it right and all I know is it definatly needs an ending....Thank you all soooo much! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Are you the person you seem to be? The wonderful friend you look to be? Are you the angel that came down to save? The guardian that my memory's paved? Are you the sweetness of bitter taste? The mystery I don't dare to waste? Are you a story left for me to create? The ending making me unable to hesitate? Are you the only justice that remains? The truth, the purity my mind sustains? Are you the enemy of my ugly side? The one that takes pain and gives back pride? Are you confusion that makes sense to me at times? The pure illusion that's made to hear my cries? Are you there for me to be complete? The dream that lives for us to finally meet? Are you a star shining throughout the nights? The dazzeling wonder unmasked by desert brights? Are you my cheer when cheer is hard to find? The only thought, I never truly mind? Are you the shoulder of enduring pain? The one that heals my heart when I find it slain? Are you the one substains that makes my empty full? The piece of art that's never to me dull? Are you reality but in a pleasent form? The pure insanity that makes my winter warm? Thanks again [This message has been edited by Ron (06-25-2011 10:04 AM).] |
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
hmm, too many question, let me tear it apart and email you another copy! good start Salm! jeremy r "A writer doesn't acquire a vacancy of mind, but rather a inadequacy of words." - Jeremy D. Raulinaitis |
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Erin Member Elite
since 2000-06-15
Posts 2527~Chicago~ |
Salma~ Its good to see your still writing. I dont know what to do to help. Im kinda having a writers block. But the start of it is great. When its finished lets see it!!! Happy Holidays girl!!! People leave our lives as quickly as they come, but the ones that mean something leave footprints in our hearts. |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Yes, yes, so many questions. I'm sure Jeremy will fix it up for ya. I really liked the thoughts you made me think about.. ~Carly |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
oi!i really cant help. but i thinkits a great start. Regina |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
I think you should try not to end the first two lines with the same word: "Are you the person you seem to be? The wonderful friend you look to be?" Maybe you could change the second line to: "The wonderful friend you are to me?" I don't really know how I would end it, jeremy probably helped you out there. I hope that you get the poem done and that you share the final with us. I think what you have written already is very good, it's going to be an awesome poem. Have a happy holiday! "Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker http://www.thehungersite.com |
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Melster Member
since 2000-12-09
Posts 442Brisbane, Qld, Australia |
good work, as they have said before me, it has a lot of questions... I don't know how to help here... so I will say that I hope someone has helped you!! Melz!! Dont believe what ur eyes r telling u they only show limitation. Look with ur understanding, find out what u already know & u will see the way to fly |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
I don't know about the too many questions part...I guess that's her style in writing this poem, and I'll have to respect that part. I do agree with Lakewalker with regards to changing the start of the poem a bit. In addition to the end, you could still use a question with a dramatic twist to it. Please send me a copy of the final version I see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR |
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Salooma Senior Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 781 |
wow....I never expected this many replies. thank you all... jeremy~ I've emailed you about this already  Thank You!ERIN~ Thanks so much....I'm still writing, I just have no time to post anything! Child of the Stars ~ Thanks for your reply, hopefully I'll get this done soon. Ina~ Thank You...I'm really stuck on this one. Lakewalker~ I guess that's a mistake I made when I typed this...it's supposed to be: "Are you the person you seem to me? The wonderful friend you look to be?" But I like yours a lot more than that.... so thanks for the help. Melster~ I know it's real hard to fix stuff like this....lots of questions I guess is just me questioning myself. acire~ Thanks for replying....I guess the questions you can take it like....I'm questioning my heart, you see what I mean? I don't really know the answers to all those questions, but that's how I feel about them. For example: "Are you the person you seem to me?" -- Questioning myself, is that person real, the same person that I depict him as... I guess that's all I can explain, but I'll be sure to post the final version when that's done Thanks to all of you again! Salma |
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tq_99 Junior Member
since 2000-11-14
Posts 45Las Vegas, NM, US |
This is a very poem, granted that it needs a little bit of work. I agree with everybody about the questions, but I really like the theme. And the thoughts that this poem expresses. I also like the way that it flows and the feeling that it arouses. Great job and keep up the great work! God Bless, - tq_99 "Some say a rich man has it all but if he has no friends he is nothing" |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
This was great........keep it up  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I hate your socks. I'd like to burn them! |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
I don't really think there are too many questions in it. That adds character to it. If you want to take some out, try answering some of the questions or something. I have a poem that's half questions and half answers, and it seems to work pretty well that way. In the end, though, it's all up to you and what you think of the poem... I like it. ~*Skyfire  *~Always Canadian*~ ~*~I used to be an idiot, but I'm all right now~*~ |
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