New (really its an old poem)

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Jacman
Member

since 2000-06-27

Posts 291
Dwight Il, US

0 posted 2000-09-13 10:19 AM

Every day, experiences are for the taking.
Adventerous hearts seeking what to feel.
Bodies shudder with exitement,
or whither in total dispair.

Every day decisions are their for the making.
Dangerous paths are embarked apon.
A life to change no matter what,
and a life to change and never be the same.

Every day a heart is there for the taking.
Tenderness from within in the hands of another.
The heart to break,
or a new love to make.

Every day there is a new beginning.
Hearts to seek, a path to take, new love discovered.
every day with you, is allways brand new.

Have fun tearing this one apart guys. This is a very rough scetch that I wrote back in January. I can use whatever feedback to make a final work out of this one maybe. Be especially harsh with the spelling. I know that I'm bad a that.

thanx,
jason

Just as soon as I belong, then it's time I disapear...
-Metallica-

Erin
Member Elite

since 2000-06-15

Posts 2527
~Chicago~

1 posted 2000-09-13 10:40 AM

Jason~~~I like!!!This was really good work...I noticed only one spelling error though...In the last line you put 2 L's in always!!!

~*If I was to die & could be 1 thing I would be a tear born in your eyes live on your cheeks and die on your lips*~

TAP2
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 211
Morris, Il USA

2 posted 2000-09-13 12:00 PM

J,
Good job. Very thought provoking piece, allowing us all to realize that there is always something to be won or lost.

exitement-excitement
apon-upon
allways-always
scetch-sketch

That's all I noticed. But who really cares about spelling when reading a poem this well written?

Thomas A. Plemmons

Let not a word go unspoken,
A thought go unheard,
Let not one heart be broken
Dream of a perfect world.

-Th.A.P.

Lakewalker
Member Elite

since 2000-08-05

Posts 3289
On the streets w/ people

3 posted 2000-09-13 04:17 PM

I liked this poem a lot, I think you did a gret job on it. The only thing (besides what was already said) that got me is that your last stanza has three lines and all of the others have four, but maybe that's your style or just how you wanted it, so don't mind me

Great poem

[This message has been edited by Lakewalker (edited 09-13-2000).]

Erin
Member Elite

since 2000-06-15

Posts 2527
~Chicago~

4 posted 2000-09-13 06:00 PM

Thomas~~~I didnt even see those words...I was just reading the poem...But its good...Cause this was a good poem!!!

LOL I was talking about the spelling and I had to fix it cause I put woeds instead of words...Look what your doing to me Jason!!!LOL
< !signature-->

~*If I was to die & could be 1 thing I would be a tear born in your eyes live on your cheeks and die on your lips*~

[This message has been edited by ERIN (edited 09-13-2000).]

Ender
Member

since 1999-12-08

Posts 200
Yuma, AZ USA

5 posted 2000-09-13 06:03 PM

Great job. the words flowed very well. take a bow...Keep up the good work!

*Blonde people are normal. Everyone else is just strange. -Ender*

mystique
Junior Member

since 2000-08-01

Posts 22

6 posted 2000-09-13 07:20 PM

Hi Jay,
You keep amazing me. I always feel good after reading one of your poems.
Thanks!

love,
mystique

Jeremy Halstead
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 569
Morris, Ill. U.S.A

7 posted 2000-09-14 02:28 AM

There ain't a damn thing wrong with this. I know I've read it before...I just don't remember when...anywhooooo...hey!!!! social gathering at Thad's this weekend....try to be there...we're really trying to get some oldies from Gardener and around to be there....later.
Jeremy

"Time is the matter, and in a matter of that all wounds will heal and all scars shall fade."

Jacman
Member

since 2000-06-27

Posts 291
Dwight Il, US

8 posted 2000-09-14 09:20 PM

Erin, thanks for going easy on me. Thomas is just the righ person to proofread because he's anal retentive enough that he won't miss a thing. Trust me I know.

Tom, I knew that I could count on you to help me out.  Thanks for replying man!!

Lakewalker,  thanks for your reply.  Actually in my book this poem has no stanzas.  I split it up in here to make it a little easier to read.  I got to the very end and realized that I was short a line...oops!  Oh well I'm glad you liked it.

Ender, thank you very much.  I shall take my bow.  thanx.

Buffy,  I'm glad you liked it, you know I only aim to please.

Jeremy, I know that you like me.  thats cool.  Anyway, yah shindig at Thads, I just wonder when he's going to ask me to go do the shopping for it.  Cause you know Tim aint.

Thank you everyone!!!!!!

Jason

Just as soon as I belong, then it's time I disapear...
-Metallica-

Kandi
Member

since 2000-06-14

Posts 354
North of Hell

9 posted 2000-09-14 10:23 PM

WOW! I love it! Omg this poem is so good! You are extrememly talented! I really like the style and the idea behind this poem...new day, new opportunitues, seeing the beauty in life...right on!

GREAT job!
Much Love
~K~

~*Things you see the way you see them will never be seen again*~

~*When does something that you thought was so right slap you in the face and becom

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