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a tragedy
| Dark Poetry #2 |
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a tragedy |
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baerlon Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 197Youngstown and East Liverpool, Ohio, USA |
I cannot change what it is I have seen it a thousand times before I shall see it a thousand fold more The twisted, tainted ... innocent ... Innocent, I can’t explain it No matter … *sigh* … yet every matter. I cannot deny what troubles my shore of dreams Wave after wave my hopes are taken away It has the power to consume one’s soul No one is immune You cannot hide from it nor could you face it For in truth you know . . . You know the fear of being alone There's a peace inside us all Let it be your friend It will help you carry on In the end There's a peace inside us all -Creed |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jason M. Mays - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Professor Gloom Member Elite
since 2000-07-23
Posts 3082of Depression |
You make a good effort at this, But lines like No matter … *sigh* … yet every matter. detract rather than aid the flow, I suggest line breaks instead of those dots, And sighs no matter how you think it adds to the poem, In non-rhyming forms is less effective than the line break. No matter; yet every matter. Just an example, and a critique of minor importance. Gloom |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
it is the fear of loneliness that holds us back sometimes rather then giving us a boost I could feel your words this morning *s ~Wynter "The worst prison would be a closed heart". ...Pope John Paul II |
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dragonpoe Senior Member
since 2000-11-12
Posts 608Palm Bay, Florida |
On the ...sigh... issue, I would also delete the ... and just word it straight out "I sigh"... This gives me the feel of a short poetic piece used to open a chapter in a book, a type of introduction, leading the reader into the troubled world of this subject.  With the word, I am mighty, with the pen I am free.. dragonpoe |
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baerlon Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 197Youngstown and East Liverpool, Ohio, USA |
Thanks for the suggestion but you misunderstand the reasoning behind the "sigh." It is ment to be expressed and not to read. Meaning instead of reading it, put your self in the place of the peom and take a breath of futility and release it slowly. Without italics i put the dots to make the pause during the breath more effective. |
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marcos New Member
since 2000-11-22
Posts 8 |
i can definitely relate to this poem, i thought it was really good...i especially like poetry that is working itself out within the poem, like a dialogue...really enjoyed it, as far as the sigh goes, i think i would agree with the others who posted, i understand what your reasoning was but the word sigh can sort of have cliched connotations i think, it can sometimes get in the way of really capturing a sigh....maybe trying something like a "hrmph"...or..sometimes even "......." can suggest frustration. In any case i really liked the poem, look forward to reading more. |
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Broken_Winged_Angel Senior Member
since 2000-04-06
Posts 994Small Town, Somewhere |
Baerlon, I really liked this, sigh and all...I have a habit of reading out loud, so I read it with the sigh in place, and I thought it was fitting...*shrugs* We hear the same drummer on this one  I look forward to seeing more.  |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Sweet poem! lol, I've always craved being alone. But there is sometimes that fear inside of me. We humans are strange creatures. |
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Dark_kisses_Within Senior Member
since 2000-03-21
Posts 680Kansas |
Very well done here. I felt as if you were standing here reading it to me personally. Nicely written, DkW No person is worth your tears, and the only one that is ...... will never make you cry |
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