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I Am Tired
| Dark Poetry #2 |
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I Am Tired |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA 
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*In a sense, writing this free verse poem has allowed me to slowly heal. Yes, it is somewhat long, but once you read it, you'll understand why it had to be this length. After writing this piece, I now feel liberated*  ~*I AM TIRED*~ I am tired... tired of going out of my way to make someone else's life easier while mine gets harder; tired of smiling to poeple when all I get back is a half-smile; tired of giving everything that I can give to help others and having nothing left for myself, and I'm tired of being turned away, ashamed and laughed at by those same people when I ask for a little help in return. I'm tired of my dreams slipping just beyond my reach and getting lost along the way. I'm tired of trying to forget my past and heal, only to find that it still haunts me today. I'm tired of feeling left out when I see daughters and fathers who have a loving relationship, which only serves to remind me that my father never really wanted me because if he did love me, he would never have hurt me time and time again. I am tired of being uncomfortable and not believing a compliment that I receive from a man just because my father used to always belittle me and make me feel bad about myself. I'm tired of feeling guilty for my sadness and my pain. I am tired of having to wear a smile to hide my frown on the days that I hurt; tired of hiding my frustration and my anger, just because some people can't understand the way that I feel, Am I not entitled to feel and express my emotions? For, they are as real as anyone else's. I am tired of trusting people and being loyal to them, only to find that they gossip about me and betray me so easily, without a conscience. I am tired of wasting my time on people and things that prove unworthy of my caring nature; tired of losing pieces of myself and for crying wasted tears over every lie and deceit that has been handed to me. I am tired of accepting all the wrongs that have been done to me. I'm tired of having to turn the other cheek when a customer is rude to me although I have been completely professional and friendly to them; tired of having to bite my tongue and smile because I have to follow the unwritten rule that "the customer is always right," when I really want to say "hello, my name is not hey you, it is Melissa, and I am a person and I deserve respect." I'm tired of sacrificng my opinions and my beliefs to spare the feelings of another, or to spare myself ridicule; tired of allowing my voice to remain unheard. I am tired of people who hardly know me, assume that I have the wit, but not the brains just because I have a sense of humour. I am very tired of people who automatically think that I am somehow stupid or uneducated just because I am shy at times. Since when does shyness equal stupidity? I'm tired of being afraid to open up to people that I meet and not showing them who I really am; tired of thinking that what I have to offer is not good enough just because it wasn't for the ones who came before. I am so tired of building walls around me when a man truly likes me, pushing him away, so that I can protect myself from pain, but, I am so tired of being alone. I am tired of not trusting men, thinking that they are my father in disguise, waiting to hurt me. I'm tired of feeling that because of my past, that a man could never love me. I'm tired of not loving myself, and hating the reflection that stares back at me, taunting me from the looking glass., reminding me that my father always called me ugly and fat I'm tired of wading in insecurity, swimming in doubt and drowning in emptiness. I am tirely of just merely existing instead of really living. I am just so tired. I want to know the value of true friendship, I want to acheive my dreams, I want to feel real love and get married someday and have children of my own, I just want to be happy... and I am so tired of wondering whether or not I deserve it. *By Melissa Honeybee* |
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| © Copyright 2000 Melissa P. Long-Monette - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Isis Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296Sunny Queensland |
Melissa this was like looking into myself, all except the father bit. I too felt that way when serving customers and they treat you like dirt. etc. etc. If writing all this has helped heal or vent a little write away hon, we all must vent/be angry etc. and move on. Wonderful work truly.. I'm sure we all can see a little of ourselves in this  I'll tell you this...... No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn..... ~Isis~ (Goddess - Sovereign of the Spirit) |
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lotharingia Senior Member
since 2000-06-04
Posts 897saarbruecken, Germany |
Wow! I'd didn't know there was someone who felt exactly the same as me on so many things! I feel the same things about my father, and it really destroys you; I also have the same experiences of getting used and abused by "friends"; and of being considered to be stupid because I don't go round shouting: "Here, I'm great, adore me". AND the customer lines ring a bell too. Fortunately I have no pupils like that now, but I have had some really offensive ones before, almost made me have a nervous breakdown (I teach "grown-ups" English). Thanks for putting all this into words! BTW, I did manage to get married and hopefully the kids will come soon. So don't give up hope!! There are some lovely people out there! But I do feel really sorry for my husband, because the scars left from my dad haven't gone, and I still find myself expecting him to be like my dad, even when I "know" he isn't. Lotharingia "For God's sake, he's a poet. Poets are meant to feel miserable. Otherwise, what the hell are they here for? What are they going to write about?" Tom Holland |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
my father always called me ugly and fat I'm tired of wading in insecurity, swimming in doubt and drowning in emptiness. I am tirely of just merely existing instead of really living. I am just so tired. I want to know the value of true friendship, I want to acheive my dreams, I want to feel real love and get married someday and have children of my own, I just want to be happy... and I am so tired of wondering whether or not I deserve it. WOW Melissa, it is good to exorcise those demons onto the page. There are many parts to this that I can relate to. The father thing with me it was a teacher. These things can cause a lot of insecurities and destroy your self worth, words can hurt. I'm tired of feeling guilty for my sadness and my pain. I am tired of having to wear a smile to hide my frown on the days that I hurt; tired of hiding my frustration and my anger, just because some people can't understand the way that I feel, This is a very powerful poem, but when you are tired you have to sleep, being serious here, by sleep I mean let go. Take some time to yourself, somewhere scenic, countryside is always good and just loss yourself for a few hours but these things can pile up, snowball. Have a good rest and you will wake up refreshed and ready to face the world. thanks for sharing. love brian. ------------------------ "Take nothing but pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time". Baltimore Grotto "To be nobody-but-yourself-in a world which is doing its best night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." E.E Cummings. manic street preachers "Culture Alienation Borebom and Despair" "I know I believe in nothing but it is my nothing" -faster MSP "And you see, I kind of shiver to conformity Did you see, the way I cower to authority, you see And my life, it's a series of compromises anyway It's a sham, and I'm conditioned to accept it all, you see" six by Paul Draper. ----- |
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amazon_lover Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 491Dublin,Ireland |
Hi Melissa, When going gets tough the tough gets going..nothing is hard as it seems..you just have to see through the difficult times to get into good times....you express things so beautifully and nothing will get harder..just wait and see..don't try too hard for something..and I'm saying it from experience.. Sincerely A_L |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Excellent writing this really touched my heart and most imporantly it is full of wonderful words of healing for you. Take care, James |
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monet9 New Member
since 2000-06-09
Posts 5 |
melissa. oprah had a special on people feeling tired, not pleasing themselves etc. log on to oprah.com. there is good advice on how to feel better about yourself and what part of your life to get rid of to bring your spirits up. |
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kynder Senior Member
since 2000-04-11
Posts 537Tallahassee, Florida |
oh how i know these fatigue filled words. isn't amazing that you feel so alone and everyone says hey i feel like this too!! it helps but i feel like well then where the hell are you?? will you be my friend, my man or even say i love you??? girl hang in there that is all i can say. love ya. kynder The years teach much which the days never know. Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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Justbleu Member Elite
since 1999-08-31
Posts 3329Oregon, Originally From Alaska :) |
Wow Melissa, I love the way you let it all out!! Thank You for showing me I'm not alone and that there are others going through similar things as me!! Thank You for inspiring me to want to write a piece such as this of my own!! HUGS and SMILES!!! I am glad you are here at Passions with all of us!! Hang in there!! There are always rainbows around the corner!! This was a good and I bet very healthy piece for you!! Bridgette  "Somewhere, somehow, it should be possible to touch someone and never let go again. To hold someone, not for a moment but forever." Unknown |
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catalinamoon
since 2000-06-03
Posts 9543The Shores of Alone |
You know what, Melissa? I am tired of all of that too. See how many comrades you have after all? I think your words wre familiar to many, and though you have been through some bad times, remember that the future can be different. I know just meeting all the people here has made my life much happier. Just knowing that other people think like you do, when you had been wondering if you were the only one..Its comforting, to me anyway, and I hope also to you. Keep on keepin on, as long as you keep the dream alive, there is hope. Sandra |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
A big THANK YOU to everyone for the kind replies and for the support Take care, Melissa Honeybee |
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Hardrock Senior Member
since 2000-02-14
Posts 948New Hampshire, USA |
Melissa....this hits close to home for me. First, because my own father was an abusive drunk. I finally learned to cope by creating in my mind TWO fathers: One, was the one I always wanted. Loving, supportive and always there for me. It was this father that got all my respect and love. The other father was the abusive drunk. He got nothing from me, no respect, nothing. I fondly remember the good dad. He never died when the other one did. Second, I'm the father of two girls. I have praised them, supported them, told them all thier lives how beautiful they were, how talented, how smart and how proud I am of them. The chain is broken..... Find the peace for your life.....and if you can't find the dad you need, I'll always be there for you. Hardrock |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
Hardrock, thank you so much for your reply, it means a lot, you are very sweet and thanks for the advice. I am glad to see that you have broken the cycle of violence, you're a great man, and your daughters are lucky to have you, every father should be like you Take care, Melissa Honeybee [This message has been edited by Melissa Honeybee (edited 06-25-2000).] |
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