Forgotten Observation of a Run-a-way Angel

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Effigy
Member

since 2000-04-11

Posts 486
disbelief

0 posted 2000-09-21 01:33 PM

Tonight it’s raining in Atlanta,
yet she is out on the town.
With her sexy clothes on,
she is out on the prowl.

She made a few mistakes,
she had some hard times.
She forgot them all
as she crossed the lines.

Standing in the shadows
in the corner of the streets
She smokes the remains of innocence
and greets all that she meets.

You may have seen her
as you were passing her by
Clearly you never saw
that one mysterious guy.

He was standing in the ally
watching her as you went down the line.
He was standing in the ally,
waiting for his time to shine.

She never saw him coming
as he walked up from behind
She cried a little bit that night
as that man celebrated his find.

Surely you would have helped
if you had heard the scream.
Surely you would have awoken,
from your suburban dream.

[This message has been edited by Effigy (edited 09-21-2000).]

Effigy
Member

since 2000-04-11

Posts 486
disbelief

1 posted 2000-09-22 11:38 AM

This one kind of fell between the cracks so I'm sending it back around.

Butterflies_dont_cry
Member Elite

since 2000-03-06

Posts 3733
Michigan

2 posted 2000-09-22 11:42 AM

WOW!!!....heart pounding...this was
intense!!! You write with such power in
this...I wanted to scream for her!!!
The closing message within the weave was so
haunting....Excellent work!!

X Angel
Senior Member

since 1999-11-07

Posts 1521
Oregon

3 posted 2000-09-22 11:46 AM

wowsers!
poor girlie

Mark Bohannan
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-21

Posts 7269
In the winds of Cherokee song

4 posted 2000-09-22 11:50 AM

Damn....this one cries out in pain for her loudly and also serves as a wake-up all to
all of us to pay more attention. Excellent read as your pen lays down some mighty powerful ink. I am glad you brought it back up as I would hated to have missed it.

Effigy
Member

since 2000-04-11

Posts 486
disbelief

5 posted 2000-09-22 11:57 AM

B.D.C.- thanks, I hope you didn't scream too loud.

x angel- sad isn't it, but this kind of things happens more often then we like to admit.

Mark - Thanks for your comments. I am thrilled that you have enjoyed this.

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

6 posted 2000-09-23 03:15 PM

Effigy~
Oh, such a poignant tale.
It screams quietly ... not loud enough to be heard by those
who need to read this before they become a statistic.

Thoughtfully done.
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
[email protected]

forne_marin
Member

since 2004-04-13

Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina

7 posted 2004-05-04 10:14 AM

Wow. This one is strangely powerful. The message is very tight, but it could use some trimming.

In the second line, you need to drop the "is". I loved the fact that you used Atlanta. I was expecting a totally different message, though.

In verse one, line four I'd change the "she is" to "she's".

The next verse I'd modify slightly...
Line 1 I'd change "She" to "She's"
Line 2 I'd change to "And fell on some hard times"
And line four I'd change to "...crossed all the lines"

Line 4 of verse three I'd change to
"while greeting all she meets."

Line 1 of verse 5 needs more syllables. Try "You perhaps may have seen her"
Line 2 you should drop "her"
In Line 3 the emphasis on "Clearly" doesn't work right. You have a trochee at the beginning of an iambic line. I think some kind of exclaimation would work really well there instead. If the poem wasn't so modern, I'd suggest, "But soft! You never saw". BUT--Like I said, your piece is too modern. Maybe "But why?" or "But look!". Your call.

Verse 6, line 2, I'd suggest changing to "Watching you go down the line".

Verse 7 line 3 I'd change to "She cried out as he took her"
Line 4 is too long. Try "Taking pleasure in his find"

Verse 8 is your punch. It's good right now, but it needs to be perfect. You can have a few rhythmical flakes in the rest of the piece, but you really need to clean the last verse up because it's youre punch.
I'd suggest the following:

Surely you would have helped her
if you had only heard her screams.
Surely you would have woken,
from your quaint suburban dream.

-----------------------

All and all, this is a very powerful and moving piece. It's not a subject I would have broached, but you did it with a great amount of class.

I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry.

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