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Open Poetry #9
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instants {haiku}
| Open Poetry #9 |
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instants {haiku} |
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grandiloquent Member
since 1999-07-08
Posts 104Midwest America |
instants your serious eyes small, still, lackadaisical blue and crystalline Ladybugs Ladybugs dot my light fixture in the center, on the edge, spinning. darrell his brown eyes, coins of kindness I trace the latent questionable lines. weather the buzz of silence when the wind drones on about her days in love; this candid affair with summer and the way the winter broke her - echoes screams of beatings [This message has been edited by grandiloquent (edited 09-20-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Megan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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grandiloquent Member
since 1999-07-08
Posts 104Midwest America |
Uhm… critiques, criticism, comments,... please? |
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Mark Bohannan Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269In the winds of Cherokee song |
okay....no problem....one by one okay? instants-Beautiful throughout and love it much but since it is not to do with nature it is considered a Senyru...Haikus are nature only...they both are of 5-7-5 ...perfect execution in that just wrong label  Ladybugs-now this would be a Haiku...lovely as well ....who doesnt like them little beauties.LOL darrell-another senyru...bet you are getting it now right. weather-this one follows a 7-5-7 scheme and to be honest with you ....I dont know if that is correct. I only learned of these recently but love them all the same. Your best one is definitely "instants" ***work on each line being a seperate sentence not flowing from one line to the next and you will find that they read better. I hope you accept what I have to say and just for the record....no matter what style they are in .... I found the REAL beauty in each one of them. Thank you for sharing these with us. [This message has been edited by Mark Bohannan (edited 09-20-2000).] |
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Cerenity Member Elite
since 2000-02-16
Posts 2637Escondido-California |
Hi grandiloquent, Im no expert but I loved them just the same, thank you. Love, Cerenity "God doesn't have to be reminded that we exist. We have to be reminded that He exist!" (Writer Unknown) |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
Lovely sentiments in ALL Grandiloquent! Mark's been my teacher of sorts on these, so I'll bow to the wisdom of his remarks. Very nicely done ... I hope to read more! Best wishes, /Kit |
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grandiloquent Member
since 1999-07-08
Posts 104Midwest America |
Mark, THANK YOU! On my little home page I always put in a disclaimer stating that most of my haiku are NOT about nature. I'm so glad to find the correct label for those little buggers. Also, I'm aware of the flow aspect -- one of the reasons I posted these was to see if it was an annoyance to people outside of myself. All of the above posted are from a few years ago, and I've strayed from the 'jumping line' syndrome for the same reasons you mentioned. A tangent: hiked up Green Mt. last weekend (which is five minutes from my backyard) to spot the ladybugs preparing for hibernation. AMAZING! The trees along the summit were carpeted with the dandy little things. I think you would have liked it. *side not: I ALWAYS accept criticisms, even without the added compliments  Cerenity, Boy, you and me both (as Mark so cruelly pointed out :P. At least we learned something new today! (Glad you liked 'em )Kit, My ears are open to all advice, but it's nice to know my critic has a following *grins*. Passions is a fabulous place for young, unrefined oddities like myself... I've been picking up quite a few mentors in this place! Hopefully the next few bits you read will be up to par... thanks for reading! ~ megan |
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