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Open Poetry #9
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Member Elite
since 2000-09-16
Posts 2061

0 posted 2000-09-17 05:29 PM

I'm so glad
To see these raindrops;
I've never been
So at home.
I've been rather misplaced lately,
But in this downpour,
I can pull the covers
Over my head
And indulge in
The sound of the rain
On the roof.
It seems the focus
Is taken from my downfalls
When the floods demand
All of the attention.
The pressure is relieved
When all hands
Must tend to the deluge.
I made a straight shot;
However, at the wrong target.
There's nothing like
The opportunity to run
When the eyes stray,
If just for a moment.
This square box
With the bent corners
Contains the jewels
After which I aspire.
In that dingy old suitcase
Are the few essentials
That get me through
When luxury just won't do.
Is that a rain cloud?

© Copyright 2000 snowpants - All Rights Reserved
doreen peri
Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812
1 posted 2000-09-17 05:37 PM

"When all hands
Must tend to the deluge.
I made a straight shot;
However, at the wrong target."

great lines here... thanks for posting!  

~ all you can really ever expect out of life is a sincere apology and some decent poetry ~

Sage Elizabeth
New Member
since 2000-09-16
Posts 9

2 posted 2000-09-17 06:24 PM

I like the style of this poem and the flow of your words. I agree, great lines that pull you in. Thanks for letting me read this.

Member Elite
since 2000-09-16
Posts 2061
3 posted 2000-09-17 06:30 PM

Thank you for the encouraging comments, doreen peri and Sage Elizabeth!!  It's an honor to have positive feedback from fellow poets!!  


Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855

4 posted 2000-09-17 07:53 PM

I really enjoyed your poem -- your words definitely pulled me in. One thing you might want to consider, though, is changing the length of the lines -- make them a little longer. This poem is meant to flow, and right now, in such small nuggets per line, it kinda skips. Not that a staccato beat isn't bad, but this one deserves legato.

I see great things in this.


Member Elite
since 2000-09-16
Posts 2061
5 posted 2000-09-17 10:17 PM

Thanks, Mike, for the suggestion.  I will definitely take that into consideration!  I'm glad you liked it, though.


since 2000-09-16
Posts 106
6 posted 2000-09-17 11:43 PM

Hey Sweets,
That was great. I love the rhythm of it.

"So don't judge me by my failures, only by my dreams" SR71

Member Elite
since 2000-09-16
Posts 2061
7 posted 2000-09-17 11:46 PM

Thanks, BirdeeB!  I'm glad you liked it!


Lone Wolf
Member Ascendant
since 2000-03-16
Posts 5842
Lansing, MI USA
8 posted 2000-09-18 10:32 PM


Wonderful writing!!  I really like your style.  Just had to read this!!!

Lone Wolf

Poetry should surprise by fine should strike the reader as a wording of his own highest thoughts and appear almost a remembrance. -J.Keats

Paula Finn
Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546
9 posted 2000-09-18 10:40 PM

MMMMMM I love the rain...and I can feel it in your words...great write
Member Elite
since 2000-09-16
Posts 2061
10 posted 2000-09-18 10:53 PM

Lone Wolf: thanks for the compliment!

Paula Finn: yes, the rain is the best, isn't it??  Glad you enjoyed!


Mark Bohannan
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269
In the winds of Cherokee song
11 posted 2000-09-19 06:29 AM

Give me the cleansing downpour of rain anyday....while some people find it gloomy....I cherish those days.  Wonderfully write you bring to us.
Member Elite
since 2000-03-06
Posts 3733
12 posted 2000-09-19 06:52 AM

Such power in the captured so many feelings with this piece.  The flow was excellent as well.  Great writing SP!
Member Elite
since 2000-09-16
Posts 2061
13 posted 2000-09-19 11:18 PM

Mark:  I think the rain is definitely more inspiring than the sunshine.  Thanks!

Butterflies:  thanks for the great compliments!  Glad you enjoyed!


Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
14 posted 2000-09-20 06:52 AM

I liked your downpour.

Short spurts of showers
falling in soft surround
Yet pounding-pounding-pounding
as they hit the ground

Felt like the real thing to me !
Well written.

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~

Member Elite
since 2000-08-19
Posts 2330
Queensland, Australia
15 posted 2000-09-20 06:57 AM

Snow Pants, I loved the sound of this. Great poem.

Senior Member
since 2000-07-23
Posts 1125
North Carolina
16 posted 2000-09-20 07:11 AM

As one who simply adores a good rain I have to say this is great sp. I loved everything about it.

Kit McCallum
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada
17 posted 2000-09-20 01:44 PM

Very picturesque Snowpants! There's nothing like the rain to wash the cares away ... I've always loved it, very nicely penned!  

Best wishes,

Member Elite
since 2000-09-16
Posts 2061
18 posted 2000-09-20 11:15 PM

Marge:  thank you so much for your always-so-colorful response, and for the little bonus verse you squeezed in there, too!

Dee:  thanks for reading! glad you liked it!

juliet:  isn't the rain the best???  my co-workers think I'm nuts because I get excited when it rains so hard that you hear it on the roof!  Thanks!

Kit:  yes, a good rain is definitely a great antedote for all sorts of troubles!  thanks!!


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