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Open Poetry #9
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Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

0 posted 2000-08-21 10:09 PM

The gray clouds billow thick above the sea
Once placid rolling swells ferociously
Crash hard upon the shore and pulverize
The rock producing sand before my eyes.

Soft gentle breezes but a memory
As gale force wind shears through the heart of me
As driving sheets of rain obscure my sight
I blindly grope for hope in darkest night.

But storms all end, again I will be free
To sail upon the ocean peacefully
To soar again above in cloudless skies
A little weatherworn – a bit more wise.

Safe harbor I can take midst fury’s height
Then from the sand craft castles that delight.


© Copyright 2000 Denise - All Rights Reserved
passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
1 posted 2000-08-21 10:24 PM

oh how this one flowed across my tongue so gracefully...I love it! Poems about nature always touch me.
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563
Spring, Texas
2 posted 2000-08-21 10:28 PM

I loved this! Especially "As driving sheets of rain obscure my sight, I blindly grope for hope in darkest night."  Hope lives eternal in there.  Wonderful piece.


Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
3 posted 2000-08-21 10:29 PM

I think you've posted this in the wrong place ... you meant to go one category down, right?    

You do some nice things with sounds here.  I especially liked: "As gale force wind shears through the heart of me" which I scanned:

"as GALE / FORCE WIND / SHEARS through / the HEART / of ME"

The effect on me of your substitutions in the second and third feet gave the impression of a prolonged and forceful gust ... great use of meter, Denise.  I found similar delight in "CRASH HARD" and "the GRAY / CLOUDS BIL- / -low ...".

Okay ... I'll stop now but I couldn't resist pointing out some of the strengths of this poem.  Nice work.  I'm glad I ventured out of my lair for a minute.  


Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

4 posted 2000-08-21 11:07 PM

Thank you, Passing Shadows, JWesley and Jim for reading and for such wonderful replies! I'm glad you all liked it!  

Jim, venture out of your lair whenever you wish! It's always nice to see you in Open! I wish I could say that the effect of the meter was intentional, then I could feel like I knew what I was doing...hehehe...but it wasn' was just how I was feeling at the moment and that's how it turned out. But I will certainly keep your comments in mind for future reference, as I always do.  


Paula Finn
Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546
5 posted 2000-08-21 11:28 PM

This is a powerful poem....and what better way to write than with how you feel at the moment
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
6 posted 2000-08-21 11:33 PM

A music professor one time dissected one of the Beatles' songs, explaining it's popularity by the way certain chords were strung together producing a certain effect on areas of the inner ear and a lot of other scientific data concerning pitches, octave management and which McCartney replied, "Really? We just wrote it the way we felt." Denise, you're just a natural. Enjoy the ability.....and you have it  
Member Elite
since 1999-06-19
Posts 2462

7 posted 2000-08-21 11:42 PM

wonderful poetry Denise...
your poems always flow so beautifully...

Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
8 posted 2000-08-22 12:04 PM

The waves and wind built to a crescendo
and then the ebbing brought a thoughtful serenity.

Yep .... it's feeling that counts !
You made us feel it too !
Thank you for this moving piece of poetry.
Love ya'

*If Mike reads this .... please drop me
an e-mail as I have something to share on
your 'The River' poem and keep getting kicked
out when I try to reply.
It's real important !


~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~

Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
9 posted 2000-08-22 12:18 PM

Denise--this is beautifully done, the storm and calm, both internal and external!
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374

10 posted 2000-08-22 12:32 PM

Such a wonderful line... "The rock producing sand before my eyes."  This is simply beautiful!!



Senior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 1816
11 posted 2000-08-22 04:10 AM

  I have read this no less than three times as it spoke to me. Wonderful writing and great expressions. I'm sure I will read this one often.  Love, Marcy

Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
12 posted 2000-08-22 08:31 AM

Denise, Queen of the sonnet, you have written a memorable piece, beautiful and powerful.You have used the storm theme in a unique way

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium
13 posted 2000-08-22 12:31 PM

This is incredibly flowing... beautifully penned...

lovely imagery and then a most wonderful last couplet
"Safe harbor I can take midst fury’s height
Then from the sand craft castles that delight."


[This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 08-22-2000).]

Member Ascendant
since 2000-07-06
Posts 5334
Staffordshire, England
14 posted 2000-08-22 12:51 PM

Hello Denise...

             Your writing here is as beautiful and vivid as any you have done. Such a joy to read your words!!

Today is a gift....
That is why they call it
'the Present'!

Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
15 posted 2000-08-22 08:00 PM


Balladeer is absolutely right.  You have the talent to know what sounds right and I was merely trying to illustrate why I thought it worked so well.  Don't undersell your talent, Denise.  Your poem is very well written.


Tennessee Angel
Senior Member
since 2000-06-03
Posts 661
16 posted 2000-08-22 08:07 PM

Ah, Denise, this is so inspirational and can apply to so many different situations in life.  It's beautiful and it makes me feel good just to read it.  One of so many lovely works I've read of yours.  

--You can either take me as I am...or you can watch me as I go.--

Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263

17 posted 2000-08-22 08:12 PM

I must concur with, my friend, are a natural.

Safe harbor...   this is beautiful...

~ Claire

Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?......Henry David Thoreau

Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104
Champaign, IL
18 posted 2000-08-22 08:50 PM

Hey Denise,

I think I rode to shore on a few of the waves you describe.

Good one Girl

if you can dream; you can fly...if you are flying; you are dreaming.

Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

19 posted 2000-08-22 09:38 PM

Thank you so much, Paula, Balladeer, Mike, Marge, Martie, Ladysixstring, Marcy, Elizabeth, Sudhir, Sunny, Jim, Tennesse Angel, Claire and Robert for reading and for your wonderful replies! You all make the effort of writing worth the while! If it weren't for the encouragement that I find here, I would have stopped writing long ago.

Balladeer - Thanks for passing on that little story, I'd never heard it before. It sounds like something they would say! I knew that they couldn't read music...but damn...they were good, weren't they?McCartney was my favorite Beatle, who was yours?

Jim - I know what you were doing and I sincerely appreciate it. I didn't mean to sound as though I were selling myself short, I just wish I had the capacity to disect poetry like you do. Knowing how to make a poem 'work' can lead to some mighty good writing! I've learned quite a bit in my year here in the forums and hope to continue!


Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Patricius
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463
20 posted 2000-09-28 12:16 PM

I liked it a lot!!!!!!
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

21 posted 2000-10-01 07:10 PM

Thank you, Vandana! I'm so glad that you did!  


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