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Open Poetry #9
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Traffic Jam.....(needs something)
| Open Poetry #9 |
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Traffic Jam.....(needs something) |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL 
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Traffic Jam Spread thin on Whole wheat asphalt toasted- from catalytic converters to water dripping tail pipes.. vehicles sweat on the pavement while commuters inch past twisted metal and death to speed another day as a mother wipes her baby’s brow a comfort she has forgotten the touch from someone who cares. Robert if you can dream; you can fly...if you are flying; you are dreaming. |
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| © Copyright 2000 RobertB - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
You've just explained why I take the train to work! This is excellent, Robert, I don't think it needs a thing. I like the contrast between the twisted metal and the human touch. Very good! Denise |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL |
Oh Thanks Denise!!!! Just when I was ready to sit down and spend the rest of the week fixing this poem, you tell me it doesn't need fixing!! Thanks a whole bunch!!!!  }hehehehe Robert if you can dream; you can fly...if you are flying; you are dreaming. |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Sorry about that, Robert....hehehe Denise |
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
Well, let's make it a majority, because I agree 100% with Denise! jwesley |
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Paula Finn Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546missouri |
For what its worth I agree...love the mothers touch. |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
RobertB~ Reschedule your week ! ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ noles1@totcon.com |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL |
Ok...so far, majority rules. It stays as written! Though I do have an idea or two...hmmmmm }< !signature-->if you can dream; you can fly...if you are flying; you are dreaming. [This message has been edited by RobertB (edited 08-22-2000).] |
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Meadowmuse Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263 |
Robert, I really like the coupling of ideas you have here, the human touch against the backdrop of cold, mechanical, apathetic images. If you were to "add" anything at all to this piece, perhaps just another subtle reference to the "jelly" side of the double entendre toward the end of the verse. As it is, however, this is a wonderful piece of writing. Love the title. ~ Claire Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?......Henry David Thoreau |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL |
Claire, you are on the same track I am...I want to add the word "preserves" to it on the end someplace. Thanks!! if you can dream; you can fly...if you are flying; you are dreaming. |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
'Preserves'!! Yes! Now why didn't I think of that? Can't wait to see it!! Denise |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
Well, Robert, I like it as it is, but would love to see both, so, perhaps you could post your revised version too? Thanks, Corinne |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL |
Denise...Corinne....I will think on it today and see what happens. I really think that working in "preserves" would make it neat. I just don't want it to get too syrupy. RB if you can dream; you can fly...if you are flying; you are dreaming. |
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