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Open Poetry #9
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Thunder Laughs
| Open Poetry #9 |
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Thunder Laughs |
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ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374
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Image of you in a cloud rolls by The sky opens up, somewhere in my mind A vision of you in a pale blue dress Tears falling down, you took my breath Memories of you... Rain always hides these tears in my eyes Thunder laughs and my soul dies Will I hear your voice Will I touch your skin Will the ocean waves let me in Epitaph read like a warning sign Lightning strikes, I close my eyes A vision of you in a torn red dress Tears in your eyes, your hair a mess Memories of you... Rain always hides these tears in my eyes Thunder laughs and my soul dies Will I hear your voice Will I touch your skin Will the ocean waves let me in The time is near, the time is nigh To answer the call, to answer the cry My head still spins, my body aches Cold wind stings my eyes, my face Look around, no one there Will anybody notice, anyone care... Rain always hides these tears in my eyes Thunder laughs and my soul dies Will I hear your voice Will I touch your skin Will the ocean waves let me in Will I see you laugh Will I see you cry Will this world just end and let me die Author Notes: My husband and a couple of buddies made a quick recording of a song he was working on. The moment I heard it, the images came to mind and the words poured out. Before I let him read it, I asked... what does the music say to you? He discribe the scene I had already written. Astonished, we knew then that the words and music were as the man and women... lost without each other. P.S. The only rewording was to take out the ending... it's up to you to decide whether or not he jumped. < !signature--> -jaimie www.ladysixstring.com [This message has been edited by ladysixstring (edited 08-20-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jaimie D. Travis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Hey Ladysixstring I have seen this happen over the years and it just proves how connected we all are. I love it when Jazz musicians jam and they know automatically when to come in and fade out because they are talking a language to one another. This happens and it is very special and I'm glad the woman and the man make a team together you'll be happy you do. great song! the hook is epitaph because of the title but the hook does'nt appear as much as it should... maybe change the title or amplify the hook especially in the chorus?? This of course is my opinion only and I think the writing is just great! My you have so many poems posted I am having a hard time to keep up with them all. I will drop in on you whenever I can. |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
i like all of this... but this phrase "Thunder laughs" especially stood out for me... as far as your comments, it's funny how the muse can link people together with shared images... and again... enjoy your writing  |
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ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374 |
Thank you ethome, and you make a good point with the hook. As for how many poems, I try to wait until most of them reach page 3 or 4 before posting another... next thing I know, someone has brought them back from the dead. I appreciate all of you for taking the time to read my work and especially those of you who are following me all the way to page 4 or 5!! *S* -jaimie [This message has been edited by ladysixstring (edited 08-20-2000).] |
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ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374 |
Thanks doreen, "Thunder Laughs" stood out to me too... maybe I'll take ethome's advice and change the title. *S* -jaimie www.ladysixstring.com |
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Mark Bohannan Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269In the winds of Cherokee song |
We will follow them all the way to the archives if we have to. It is hard to keep up with all the posts sometimes as they seem to fly by so fast at times. So dont be surprised if one day one comes back after a couple of weeks. Now for this one. These are my favorite lines with no explanation....they just seem to jump out at me but the whole thing is to be cherished. Epitaph read like a warning sign Lightning strikes, I close my eyes A vision of you in a torn red dress Tears in your eyes, your hair a mess Memories of you... Rain always hides these tears in my eyes Thunder laughs and my soul dies Will I hear your voice Will I touch your skin Will the ocean waves let me in |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
I agree with Mark I was'nt complaining I was just merely getting a little bogged down with all the fine poetry that is going up and down the board right now. I will say again this is very good writing I enjoyed it very much...keep up the good work!! |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
This is great! I love the title. . . and it shows that musicians always know that it's not just the words. . . it's the music too. . . Excellent. . . ----------------------------------------------------- That which gives light must endure burning --Victor Frankl |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
No, he didn't jump... The melodies to all of your poems/songs just automatically spring into my head while reading. They may be nowhere similar to the actual melodies but they work for me and I thank you for them.") |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
WOW!You changed the title!!!! For ME??? LOL....very cool... yes! i think it works better with this title... and no, i agree, he didn't jump[This message has been edited by doreen peri (edited 08-20-2000).] |
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Dawn Eclipse Senior Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 637The Horsehead Nebula |
wonderful poem.. I liked the way you used the effects of the storms to help the mood... great job! "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other course, no other way... No day but today" ~Broadway Musical RENT~ *Cassandra Roseen* |
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Jeffrey Carter
since 2000-04-08
Posts 2367State of constant confusion! |
I agree with Mr. Mack......he didn't jump Very powerful writing as always |
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