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Christopher's poem - discussion
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Christopher's poem - discussion |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704
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The next woman I love will be just like you Challenging my mind kind to my heart. Like you, she will smile through eyes of azure hue every time we meet. Like you, she will caress my turmoil with the wispy kiss of her sighs. Like you, she will know there is no need to speak in the comforting sanity of silence. Like you, she will hold me close in dreams and starry nights dancing shadows on the walls. Like you, she will share my aches knowing they pass in fits of inspiration. Like you, she will share in the sanctity of togetherness as one we thrive alive. Like you, she will touch me daily, without the need... to ever really touch. Unlike you, she will stay. Unlike you, she will stay and love me ... forever. [This message has been edited by Christopher (edited 08-21-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Christopher: This is a side of you I haven't seen before. I thought the repetition was very effective. Just one crit (hard to kick the habit, you understand). I think the contrast "Like" and "Unlike" would be much stronger if there was only one "Unlike". Something like: quote: Otherwise, a strong sampling of effective repetition. Jim |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Foul!! I have seen this before..lol A good use of repetition to reinforce the like you theme in setting up the inevitable unlike you ending. Overall a really good poem full of colorful phrases and images. Perhaps the intent was to present paradox; but, "there is no need to speak in the comforting sanity of silence" just seems wrong here. Maybe "and break the comforting" instead. Also I think a single "unlike" would have made for a better conclusion. A really good poem that has a good flow and story. Jamie |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Chris, absolutely love this one from you as much as I had the first time around... Like Mr. P, I would suggest you to use Unlike only once, but my ending would be Unlike you, she will stay to love ...forever Why? Don't ask me, I am different... Why? Well, The first line ends with love also... silly reason, huh???  regards, sudhir |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
hi chris i have read a little of your work over the past 6 months and i have to say that i felt this poem was very far from your best .... its as if the whole poem was written around the idea of the contrasting final 5 lines and you were so intent on creating the effect caused by the sudden reversal from positive to negative that you forgot about writing a good poem ...!! kamla's original challenge for this repetition workshop was: can a "good" poem be written incorporating repetition? ... i feel that what you have done here is to focus narrowly on making "good" use of repetition to create a particular effect .... in that i suppose you have succeeded, but for me, what i perceived as defects in the rest of the piece more than outweighed the momentary pleasure from the twist in the tail, although i admit that that twist does impart a rather clever retrospective irony to the earlier verse which perhaps has the effect of enhancing the whole. I have some detailed notes as to why i think what i think about the poem. I'm not sure whether here is the place to elaborate because most of my points do not relate directly to the matter in hand, ie repetition. If you want me to shut up......i will ...lol on the other hand if you want me to carry on critiquing right here i will with pleasure just let me know please....  later philip PS don't be fooled by the smiley faces btw ... heh |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Oh Come Now Philip Dear... we all know you are just a bigh softie... LK |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Hello! And sorry I haven't been here! Busy, excuse, excuse, excuse. Jim - You've been much too nice lately.. and you're worrying me!  I like the way you suggested to end it much better than the way I did. I agree with you (and Jamie and Sudhir) that one "unlike" would be much more effective! Thank you sir!Jamie - You have.. BUt I asked ms "wannabe boss" if it was ok and she said yeah. So neener-neener. Comforting sanity of silence... Hmm.. I don't see the paradox...? I've found that when you're with someone whom you're comfortable with, you can exist in silence. There is no need to speak, rather, it's comfortable to just "be." And that's what I'm trying to say with that... sometimes people aren't comfortable with the "silence" and will break it by speaking. Hope that explains it... or maybe I just read what you were saying wrong... LOL Sudhir - Thank you for your op sir. I like the idea, but don't think it would necessarily fit, as the rest of the poem is focused on "me" and "you." I thin kthe way Jim presented it maintains the focus! (But I do appreciate the suggestion!) Poertree - I'm hurt, *sniff* Crushed, wah! Just kidding. Agreed, this isn't one of the best. And you caught me... I did focus the poem around the idea of the reversal, though a little more thought than just that went into it. I would love to hear what your thoughts on it are! Consider this CA pro-tem and fire away! K - You're just encouraging him...  |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Welll....geeeeeeeeeeeee...is it that obvious? ~snort~ heh heh... K |
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