Sharon's Poem - discussion

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Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

0 posted 2000-08-15 08:11 PM

I am
no longer
The woman you first met

You are
No longer
A loss that I regret

We are
No longer
Joined in romantic sigh

We are
No longer
We are now just you and I

Poertree
Senior Member

since 1999-11-05

Posts 1359
UK

1 posted 2000-08-16 11:45 AM

sharon

thank gawd ....a short poem !!

lets see now .... simple rhyme scheme and nice flow, and as a result  pleasing on the ear to read... you have an interesting meter and stress pattern going here as well:

I am
no LONG er
the WO man you FIRST met
the WO man YOU first MET

YOU are
no LONG er
a LOSS that I re GRET

WE are
no LONG er
joined IN ro MAN tic SIGH

WE are
no LONG er
WE are NOW just YOU and I

I like reading the opening repetitions of each stanza as dactylic (LONG short short), it just adds a kinda of lilting dreamy like quality which i feel is quite in keeping with the effect you are trying to achieve - that of looking back rather wistfully on the past ....

its kinda difficult to determine in the first three stanzas whether the dactyls then convert to iambs in the last lines especially in the first two stanzas, in the third stanza its hard to read it as anything other than iambic.  So far everything "fits" the repetition i think adds to the senses of time having passed and looking back and the metrical effect is "soft" in line with the reflective, dare i say it "feminine" (lol), mood ....

I could i suppose even forgive "romantic sigh" .... in such a dreamy setting ... next time i wont let you off so lightly though ..lol.... (be kind to me and just don't introduce roses ..eh?!)
where it gets more interesting is in the final stanza where the reader is just drowsing along towards a nice uneventful ending when suddenly two things happen:

First you have the shift in status of the phrase "We are no longer".  Specifically "longer" ceases to be an adverb and simply a modifier and becomes effectively a noun ... On a first reading this is actually very nice because it engenders, what Robert Bly called in his preface to Best American Poetry 1999, a small explosion ... something unexpected to wake up the reader ..lol ... the fact that it is the repeated word which is involved in this effect makes it doubly effective IMHO.

Second, something happens to the stress patterns in the final line of the poem.... they become i think trochaic.

WE are NOW just YOU and I    (ie LONG short)

furthermore to compound the difference you add an extra syllable ("NOW").  Are these desirable variations I ask myself?....lol

I think the answer for me maybe be yes, in that on subsequent readings the effect of the stressed "WE" at the beginning of the first line is definitely to emphasise the pause after "longer".  This is just great because this gives time for the full stark significance of the phrase to penetrate thought ..  it makes "We are no longer" stand alone without the need for punctuation or overt artifice (other than the line break of course).  Additionally and quite delightfully the dream like quality somewhat dissipates with the "harder" trochaic sound which is just what needs to happen because we are now of course in the present ..this is NOW.  Finally and even more delightfully the stressed words are:

WE   NOW   YOU   I

how better to sum up the central message!

i wonder how much of all that was consciously done? ......lol

philip

Jamie
Member Elite

since 2000-06-26

Posts 3168
Blue Heaven

2 posted 2000-08-16 03:21 PM

I will let Philips dissection of the poem's technique stand, seeing as how I can't get my own poems meter right, much less analyze it in another's work. I think the "no longer" phrases work well with each other to support the basic theme; which to me is one of growth, and of acceptance of things that cannot be changed. Softly spoken as I have come to expect in most of your work Sharon.

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant

since 2000-04-26

Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium

3 posted 2000-08-17 01:17 PM

Well, Sharon (PdV)...

liked the shortness and the depth to the poem... the theme is so dreamlike... nice...

and about meter, that's not my glass of beer... oops not my cup of tea...

but I did count and find that the number of words in the first half of the poem is one less than the second half (the I factor is the odd one out)... now is that critique