»
Main Forums
»
English Workshop
»
Meteor
| English Workshop |
|
Meteor |
|
|
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
We sat side by side on the sand, watching the waves roll in and out. Sunset had come and gone and now the darkness of the sky met the darkness of the sea in an unseen horizon. Glancing up, I saw it. A bright light shimmering in the darkened sky. I stared at the glowing object; it’s tail dancing like tamed lightening behind it. As it neared, the orange-yellow fire of the meteor could be seen clearly. Now it was clear that this was a meteor. A ball of fire tossed from the atmosphere by some unknown force. It traveled quickly towards the seam between sky and sea and then suddenly disappeared. Staring for a moment, I could see a faint gray tuft of smoke as the sea swallowed the meteor. I turned to my husband and said, “Wasn’t that spectacular?” “Huh?” he asked. He hadn’t seen it! |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Poet deVine - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
First off, you had me laughing at the end. Such a grand scene... missed! (Do I sense a moral story behind this???)  Second... now the imagery in this was nigh unto perfect. You implied the feeling while not taking it so far as to be a compete descriptive narrative. You painted, but left enough of the canvas empty to where the reader could fill in. Bravo!!! As a piece itself, I only have two issues - both of which are just personal foibles. One: You use the word "meteor" twice in quick succession. I know it happens, nothing wrong with it... I'm just not too fond of repetition unless it is specifically designed to be so. Two: "Towards." Oof! As I said, a foible. I prefer "toward." No "s." Just me!  Kudos chick! |
||
|
Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Hmm.. I agree with Points one and two that Chris made (I feel so dirty!) Also, I don't know about you but in this line "I stared at the glowing object; it’s tail dancing like tamed lightening behind it." I don't think "behind it" is necessary.. I don't know about you but I think tails naturally come at the end. And well.. In this one "A ball of fire tossed from the atmosphere by some unknown force", isn't a meteor tossed into the atmosphere? Not from it? Well.. There's my nitpicking, LOL Enjoyed your ending, t'was good use of imagery! Abrahm Simons "Keep on dreamin' boy 'cause when you stop dreaming it's time to die" - Blind Melon |
||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
HAHAHAHAHA...I could say typical men...but Chris would swoop in and give me a tidy lecture on the dangers of stereotypes, so I better not...WRONG! Typical men...tch. 'It traveled quickly towards the seam between sky and sea' I love this - the seam...wow. Abe has a definite point on the tautology...(and lightning doesn't need the 'e')  'We sat side by side on the sand, watching the waves roll in and out.' Excellent opening - it sets the scene and as Chris says - provides but the frame... well done! K~Sleeping Beauty never knew how lucky she really was~ (Me) |
||
|
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Ok..I've fixed it...and it didn't even hurt!!! (will we be in trouble with the CA crew?) We sat side by side on the sand, watching the waves roll in and out. Sunset had come and gone and now the darkness of the sky met the darkness of the sea in an unseen horizon. Glancing up, I saw it. A bright light shimmering in the darkened sky. I stared at the glowing object; it’s tail dancing like tamed lightning. As it neared, the orange-yellow fire of the meteor could be seen clearly. A ball of fire tossed from the atmosphere by some unknown force. It traveled quickly toward the seam between sky and sea and then suddenly disappeared. Staring for a moment, I could see a faint gray tuft of smoke as the sea swallowed the meteor. I turned to my husband and said, “Wasn’t that spectacular?” “Huh?” he asked. He hadn’t seen it! [This message has been edited by Poet deVine (edited 06-22-2000).] |
||
|
Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Excellent, it was before you changed and more beautiful, it has become afterwards. Let me read this again, a few more times... a very enjoyable scene here...very engrossing and humorous too... why do men always get the shortest straw? If I may, let me re-picturise this and add my 'two cents'... This is how I would write this, if I indeed had the initial idea (which is most difficult for this moronic mind )'We sat side by side on the sand, watching the waves roll in and out. Sunset had come and gone and now the darkness of the sky met the darkness of the sea in an unseen horizon.' We sat side by side on the sand, watching (an adjective, preferably no usage of the, something like 'smooth') waves roll in and out. Sunset had come and gone . Unlit sky met the darkness of the sea in an unseen horizon. basically removed repeated 'darkness', though it may seem unnecesary to do so...yet... ...A bright light shimmering in the darkened sky... I would like to see this as 'A bright light shimmering against the darkened sky' this adds to me a background of darkness and a foreground of shimmering light... "it’s tail dancing like tamed lightning." This is brilliant, very nice... "It traveled quickly toward the seam between sky and sea and then suddenly disappeared. Staring for a moment, I could see a faint gray tuft of smoke as the sea swallowed the meteor." Again brilliant, very much so... I would have put "traveled" as "travelled" (British way, the way I have been taught in India), or maybe 'flew' - that gives extra speed to the movement... Well, these are as I would have put the words together... but I am no person with any 'sound' knowledge (??).. so do what you feel is right... regards, sudhir.... [This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 06-22-2000).] |
||
|
patricianne Member
since 2000-05-04
Posts 66 |
Hello Poet. and I say that with all humility!! This was just great, both versions. I do like the revised one better. You are very good at setting the scene without overdoing it.Esp. liked-darkness of sky meeting darkness of sea in unseen horizon. Loved the ending, could have been the opposite however!! Pat |
||
bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Every thing I read by you, I just want to read more! |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
So... I have a question- 'toward' and 'towards'- is it an arbitrary decision between the two, or are the specific times for the use of each? Sorry, I know it's off-topic, but that's been bugging me for months, I never know which I'm supposed to use. Who is John Galt? |
||
|
Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-05-19
Posts 8669Michigan, US |
http://www.wsu.edu:8080/~brians/errors/toward.html |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Thanks Ron. Who is John Galt? |
||
|
defenestrate Junior Member
since 2003-01-10
Posts 46nc, us |
just thought that i should butt in, even though this is a little dated-in the line, "I stared at the glowing object; it’s tail dancing like tamed lightning." i can only presume that you are referring to a possessive pronoun, rather than a contraction of "it is". if indeed i am correct, you need to change this to "I stared at the glowing object; its tail dancing like tamed lightning". feel free, btw, to critique my outrageous use of commas here-i'm sure i have a couple of mistakes-i tend to overcomma rather than undercomma-and i also like run-on sentences. i always discern the difference between "its" and "it's", however  |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
