My poems suck, and I need mine fixed!! English assignment due 5/20!

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Poetman47
New Member

since 2008-05-18

Posts 4

0 posted 2008-05-18 12:41 PM

The assignment in my English class was to pick a piece in out school arts festival, one that "stands out" to you. Then make a shape poem out of it. I chose a photo of pillars symmetrically aligned on a pathway, like in an ancient "ruins" place.

So far I wrote two poems. I have to have 2 similes one metaphor, alliteration, and NO rhyme.

IMO I think they are terrible, but some people have said their good. So if you can help me out thats great...

Poem#1:
The pathway like a prison
Only one place to escape.
The pillars gray and solemn,
Like prison bars, cold and hopeless
The pathway is freedom to escape your fears
Like frightening dreams children have.
No where to run, just straight.
The Trees are the sky, dark and gloomy.
At the end the dream is over, freedom surrounds you
In a serene setting.

Poem#2:
The cold solemn pillars
Like prison bars surround him.
He looks up at the great gray sky
Knowing he will not leave. Fear of hopelessness. But he sees an exit Calling his Name. The prison bars can not hold him any longer As the gabble bangs
And the Man in the black gown declares
"Innocent"
He breaks free flying like a bird.

These are both on the same photo I just thought the second poem would flow a little better but they might just both be rewrites. I was thinking since it has to be a shape poem to make it into a prison cell or something... I only wrote two so theres a backup.

THANKSSS!!!!

Sunshine

Administrator

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since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2008-05-18 09:30 AM

I would suggest that you work both of these up as you've outlined, then on the 19th, take them to the instructor for his/her input, and see what is suggested, and go from there. I have a feeling you're on the right track, but your instructor would know better than we do what is expected.

Welcome to Passions!

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

2 posted 2008-05-18 10:49 AM

yes, for sure run it by your teacher. I have my kids do that so they get the feedback from the person who is grading it. That is the only person's opinion you really need.

Welcome to Pip!

Poetman47
New Member

since 2008-05-18

Posts 4

3 posted 2008-05-18 04:30 PM

Ok thanks. I guess Ill just print them both out and bring it to my teacher tomorrow. I just feel embarrassed i guess.

SEA

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Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

4 posted 2008-05-18 06:33 PM

you shouldn't.

Poetman47
New Member

since 2008-05-18

Posts 4

5 posted 2008-05-19 03:33 PM

Well i talked to my teacher today and she said the second one was better, and I should use it. So now i just need to figure out how to make it into a shape. (i was thinking about prison bars?)

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

6 posted 2008-05-19 05:18 PM

is it long enough for prison bars?
I don't know how to do the shape poems but I sure hope you get a good grade!

Poetman47
New Member

since 2008-05-18

Posts 4

7 posted 2008-05-19 06:29 PM

Yea Im going to try it out.

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

8 posted 2008-05-19 08:14 PM

if you can do it, then for sure I think that would go really good with the poem.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

9 posted 2008-05-20 01:55 PM

I'm so glad your teacher was supportive and helped you make a choice. Let us know how it all turns out!

Bob K
Member Elite

since 2007-11-03

Posts 4208

10 posted 2008-05-21 09:25 PM

Dear Poetman47,

I've been watching the thread with great curiosity and I'd like to know how you feel now. Having to write a poem specifically for somebody else is a pretty funny experience, I've found. It's hard enough to write one because you want to and then figure out if you want to send it off someplace.

What was it like?

Curiously, BobK.

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