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| Open Poetry #6 |
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shorts |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855
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-shorts- i. upstairs Do you feel lonely? Sex, suicide sometimes soothes, But need breaks us first. ii. living room Hold onto that note, Crying in penmanship form. She told you last night. iii. kitchen Dishes are piling. You don't remember eating. What does what taste like? iv. den Important papers. Yes, such important papers. Goodbye now, papers. v. bathroom Mirror fingerprints. What phantom child played here? It's all wiped away. vi. basement No rope; only twine. Only clothespins, dryer sheets. Your final failure. vii. outside What did the moon say? Did he bless your house with light? Did he laugh at you? |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
WOW... damn...this one is EXCELLENT! unique presentation, and such vivid emotion stated... "i. upstairs Do you feel lonely? Sex, suicide sometimes soothes, But need breaks us first. ii. living room Hold onto that note, Crying in penmanship form. She told you last night." these lines got me! great work take care, janet marie I love you Is all that you can't say- Years gone by and still... Words don't come easily Like I love you, I love you... But you can say baby... Baby can I hold you tonight Maybe if I told you the right words At the right time you'd be mine... Tracy Chapman |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
On second thought, make the last line: Was he laughing, too? Mike |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Thanks, Janet. No fair! You read it before I could fix the ending!  M. |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Mike~ WOW! is right ! Vivid imagery. And yep, the last line is fixed just right. ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ [email protected] |
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Meadowmuse Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263 |
You always give me something new, Mike. This piece is disturbing, of course, but even more, it takes the reader on a tour of that "edge of the edge" state that is so hard to describe in words alone. Good writing, and I agree with you on the ending...the "too" pulls it all together. |
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January Flowers Member
since 2000-02-01
Posts 209South Carolina |
Interesting, Mike. Point blank emotion from a view that many would fail to see. Enjoyed. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Marge, Glad you enjoyed, or were at least impressed. Meadowmuse, Your "edge of the edge" response inspired me to write a new poem (nothing has no edge). Believe me, that state is something I'm an expert at. Luckily, the self-destruction, at least on a physical level, isn't real. January Flowers, (damn I love that name) Glad you enjoyed. And yeah, it's definitely not a common viewpoint. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I agree with Meadowmuse, this piece IS disturbing--but that's okay by me, I was already disturbed...You excel at this format, "b", and as usual struck chords I didn't know existed. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Hi Serenity. Striking hidden chords is my job, it seems. Whatever that meant.Mike |
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