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| Open Poetry #6 |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855
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-up- taste of mint. mirror glint. crumbled flint. ended stint. bottle of wine. some fun times. some bad times. untaken climbs. flowers and cards. truthful stars. deceitful words. worthless scars. making do. feeling okay. playing the game. feeling the same. reflect, regret, inspect, impress, undress, confess, regress, lost less. repress, redress, relieve distress, relive the mess; exit, guest. camera film can't tidy up the edges. old love letters can't fire it up. fireside music can't fill you to bursting. what's in yr cup can't make you go up, up, up, up. dismiss the flowers in her hair. there's no bliss in what can be found there. don't bother with trying to remain friends, man. just get up, walk out, leave her out of yr plans, man. don't falter and flatter yourself with her view of yr life. scatter her questions, answer none truthfully. leave the symphony of sympathy and the past behind. and beautifully, undutifully, make yourself; right. |
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devina Member Elite
since 1999-10-28
Posts 3539Cali |
I think your first stanza could be a poem all its own...but the more the better... camera film can't tidy up the edges...very much said with just that one line!!! Excellent thoughts!!! Open arms can be the most fragile in the world... |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
devina, Glad you enjoyed, and thanks for posting an honest critique. I agree -- the poem could easily stand only on its first stanza. But when I read it over, I realized I hadn't conveyed all the feelings I'd wanted to. I wanted to add a more human element to the detachment of the beginning, so that's why I forged on. Thanks for your time in reading this. Mike |
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Meadowmuse Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263 |
I missed another of yours last night?? {shaking head} I shall remember to watch more carefully! Your loose rhyme and casual phrasing here works well for this obviously retrospective piece. Often when we think back on our lives, we tend to think in flashes, very much as you've illustrated in the construction of this work. Nicely done, Mike...keep writing.  Claire [This message has been edited by Meadowmuse (edited 02-12-2000).] |
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Corazon Senior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 1209 |
I know my comments are inadequate to convey how I feel about your writing, but your poems just blow me away....great stuff |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
 Thank y' guys/gals/peeps s' much.She said burn ... together. |
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