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Open Poetry #6
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She Missed him Most when he was There....(Repost for a friend)
| Open Poetry #6 |
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She Missed him Most when he was There....(Repost for a friend) |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California 
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She Missed Him Most When he was There Oh, it’s hard, a season without him to tease to please, to squeeze, she said to herself, smiling in spite of his note on the table next to the basket of bananas. He was gone, gone to the place where handsome dark-haired men go, gone where reaching doesn’t find, gone where new beginnings start. He was already gone before the words. His eyes were the story, yes and the song he sang mornings as the shower ran hot and a certain sweet serenity was in his voice, the kind that comes from decisions. He, with his blue eyes that took her with him in a room then forgot she followed him to the roving curves and sleek shoulders, pausing meaningfully, he with his blue eyes. You ogle, she said as he turned and had the Gaul to look dismayed. He squeezed her hand and said, you are so lovely tonight. What was there to leave, after all. She had been missing him for so long that a note was almost a good thing. She had missed him most when he was there. She had missed him most when two of them before a fire sat and talked of nothing and ate crackers and cheese and drank beer and watched the children squabble on the floor. She missed him most, at tuck in time when ghosts were vanquished from closets and all was safe and right. She missed him most on the Sahara of their bed, on white sheets like hot sand and he a mirage just out of reach. Oh, it’s hard, a season without him to tease, to please, to squeeze, she said to herself, smiling in spite of his note on the table next to the basket of bananas. But, she missed him most when he was there. [This message has been edited by Martie (edited 03-24-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Martie Odell Ingebretsen - All Rights Reserved | |||
Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Martie~ Loved it the first time ... love it still. Thanks to the friend who asked you to repost.  ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ [email protected] |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Yep! I enjoyed it again too, Martie! Thanks for reposting this wonderful piece! Denise |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Martie~ I liked this poem. It has a tender yearning and gentle wistfulness to it that I really like. Having said this, my suggestion concerns the first two stanzas. Because the title says she misses him when he is there, it seems kind of strange to start out with him already gone. I think you need to start out by having him there. (It's implied that he's there because he's left a note) but I think the piece would be stronger if it started at the scene in the restaurant where he is ogling other women, and then backtracks to the speaker finding a note at the breakfast table. Because then the lines, "he was gone, gone to the place where darkhaired men go" seems more natural. We know he's been gawking at other women at the restaurant, and now we can feel the pain of why she misses him most when he is there. Does this make sense? By the way, is that a chair you're picking up, readying to throw at me ala Jerry Springer? I think this is a good poem that could be even better with a little cut and pasting. You're the author, however. best regards, bboog |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Martie...I can relate to this one girl   |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Martie, I had not seen this one before so i am most please you reposted......it is EXCELLENT... touched my heart for all the reasons in it i have lived...have you been peeking  thanks so much i LOVED this. take care, jm and you can say baby... baby can I hold you tonight maybe if told you the right words... at the right time, you'd be mine... baby can I hold you tonight... tracy chapman |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
bboog, dear You have poetic talent, in fact, you posted a beauty in Critical Analysis, which I am going to respond to. However, this is not CA. But that's not the point I want to make. I have read this poem and almost everything Martie has posted, and take my word, you can't improve on it. Martie's free verse is high caliber writing and some of the very finest in all of Passions. She knows what she's doing. If she wanted a critique, she would have posted in the CA Forum; but in open, let the priest do the praying. Please don't take this personally, my friend, this is just an observation. Se you later Liz Martie, I remember this one well. Good stuff Liz |
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David2 Member
since 2000-03-22
Posts 407 |
Oh, it’s hard, a season without him to tease, to please, to squeeze, she said to herself, smiling in spite of his note on the table next to the basket of banana. But, she missed him most when he was there. Martie, This is the best thing of yours I have read, I just loved it! Your words were so descriptive yet so simple. It was sad but uplifting in a wat to know such love could exist. I have no criticism to offer, I just enjoyed it. Thanks David2 |
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TerryW Senior Member
since 2000-03-23
Posts 779Louisville, Mississippi, USA |
The sentiment in this one rings true! I know what you mean. Sometimes you can be more alone with someone than by yourself. Terry A. Woodson, Jr. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Marge and Denise--thanks for enjoying it the second time around. Bboog--I had a reason for writing it the way that I did...it's sort of like a picture frame, with the first and last parts the same...framing the story in the middle...and I wouldn't think of throwing a chair at you...that might break my computer screen.  Thanks for the read.Ruth--I'm sorry, unfortunately, I can too. JM--I guess a lot of people can relate to this situation because they have lived it, I'm sorry you are one of them. I'm glad I touched your heart. Liz--You are the best--I'm so glad you like what I do, and believe me...the feeling is mutual!!! David--You are a talented poet--and I am so glad that you loved this poem--it's one of my favorites too. Terry--That's exactly what I meant--thanks for understanding and the comment. |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
M~ Glad to know your computer screen is still intact. Best regards, bboog |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Martie~ You already know my feelings on your writing talent. It is UNIQUELY YOU. I would no sooner tell YOU what YOU were THINKING than I would presume that I knew how to do it better ! Cause, kiddo ... NOBODY DOES IT BETTER ! It is through YOUR heart and YOUR eyes that I want to see the scenes you write about come to life. And that's my HURRAH for your talent and so be it ! Elizabeth, our friend .. thank you for your comments. You addressed it much more 'lady-like' than I penned and erased TWICE !  THERE'S LOVE ALIVE IN THE FORUM TONIGHT ! ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ [email protected] |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
bboog, Thanks for your nice e-mails. And again, I enjoyed your web site and seeing your pictures and poetry. Very nice. See you over in CA, where nobody's going to bug you. Thanks for your kind response to my feisty comments. Ate logo Liz Marge, Margie, my dear poet friend You're going to break your poet pen Now just calm down and sleep the night And everything will be alright Everything's cool, sweetie bboogs a honey. He thought he was in CA, that's all No biggie Love ya, Liz |
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Pepper Member Elite
since 1999-08-19
Posts 3079Southern Florida |
Martie, I do remember this ... and it's one of my favorites too ... but then, I have so many favorites written by you .. 'S' I know I've said this to you before; I love seeing through your eyes ....  You , my dear , are a poetess extraordinaire ... |
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