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Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

0 posted 2000-03-13 02:34 AM

~Monochromatic~

Pale(d) mem'ries
   o' jaded past
                (passed)
adorned
    in o'ershadowed
           greys
   replete in fringed
               anticipation
   weathering-
   a wondered "will?"
   fraught nervous(ness)
     at forseen
plenitude
   o' desired
                   commiseration
         carelessly
careening
      ‘neath one anxious heart;
                        a-fluttered
on fate-tugged
    wings
             o' plated steel
                           (steal)
       whisp'ring
    silence
   slicing
     storm-stained
            skies
        searching
    destinations
              port.

Michael

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-13

Posts 7666
California

1 posted 2000-03-13 04:14 AM

Uh, me thinks Destination Port is somewhere just passed that Road to Nowhere Gen was taking... Let me know if you find it before I do. btw, this was ver colorful for being so darn "monochromatic". Great poem.

Michael

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

2 posted 2000-03-13 04:47 AM

WOW!

OK - so obviously I'm not the only one getting into a bit more experimentation here...

All in all - the techniques you use here work very well - I love this:

on fate-tugged
    wings
             o' plated steel
                           (steal)

and I find your use of the apostrophe (such as in whisp'ring) very interesting - a little disconcerting definitely, yet it provides a challenge to the reader.

Yep - I's approves!

K

'Writing sharpens life;
life enriches writing'
Sylvia Plath

Skyfyre
Senior Member

since 1999-08-15

Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap

3 posted 2000-03-13 09:09 AM

Well then, isn't this the interesting little ditty...?

First off, I have to say that the way you played with words (past/passed, steel/steal) was very clever, especially since the play on words actually PERTAINED to the theme of the poem -- I have seen SO many that don't!

Next, I am not a big fan of alliteration as it often appears obvious, but "weathering a wondered 'will'" and "silence slicing storm-stained skies" flowed nicely and were, in my not-so-humble opinion, as close to brilliant as I'll ever admit you've come. hehehe

The last part of my comment will be, appropriately, about the ending; "searching destination's port" wrapped this up nicely in that it didn't REALLY wrap it up ... sort of like a fading note into the distance. Leaves you wondering, as I believe was your intent (and you know I'm never wrong)...

-Me

Full fathom five thy father lies,
Of his bones are coral made,
Those are pearls that were his eyes;
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange...

--William Shakespeare, from The Tempest

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

4 posted 2000-03-13 09:32 AM

I love the way you are playing with your reader in this piece. Definately makes one think. Very well done my friend.

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

5 posted 2000-03-13 09:38 AM

Extreamly clever...this one begs for publication

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

6 posted 2000-03-13 09:59 AM

Chris,
Good technique, good words, good thoughts, good poem. Enjoyed the read.

Corinne
Member Ascendant

since 1999-10-28

Posts 5167
state of confusion

7 posted 2000-03-13 10:16 AM

With each poem, I see growth.
You aren't afraid to experiment,
nor are you afraid to play with words.

You will probably always push the bounderies,
something most of us will never even conceive.

And that is meant as a high compliment, Christopher.

Corinne

Butterflies_dont_cry
Member Elite

since 2000-03-06

Posts 3733
Michigan

8 posted 2000-03-13 10:19 AM

****Applause*****
Colorful and elusive, so much like the poet himself, the true color is felt through the heart. To perceive visually gives only one dimension of what we seek, easily deceived but you captured the rest of the dimensions.
I'm once again the recipient of your natural inclination to capture the essence of beauty. Thank you!!
Now need I say....
****ENCORE*****

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

9 posted 2000-03-13 10:56 PM

Christopher~
My God (gawd) this is brilliant !
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

10 posted 2000-03-14 04:10 PM

Michael - The point was in the irony my friend!

Kamla - I'm SO glad you approve! LOL, Thank you, you know your opinion is valued! Yes, I'm experimenting... another such as this is in the dark forum - Fain An' I Should See - Check it out!

Kess - I don't know what to say... uhh... I really don't know how to respond to actual "niceness!"

Marilyn - I love doing just that, as you know... thank you!

Ruth - You think so? Perhaps...

Seymor - Thank you for the read and comment!

Corinne - Wow! Now that's a compliment! But remember, the only reason we can't do something, is because we've convinced ourselves that we can't!

Butterflies - Wow! Now you've made me *blush*!!! Thank you for the high compliments, I'm so glad you appreciate my efforts!!! Through you, they've been made successful!

Marge - My god (gawd) you're making my ego bulge!!!

[This message has been edited by Christopher (edited 03-14-2000).]

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