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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Open Poetry #6 |
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Adieu(I need some help on this one) |
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
This is a poem that on the last day of school I am planning on giving to the girl at my school who has stolen my heart, but will not go out with me. I need to get the meter fixed in a major way on this, and am open to all criticisms, in fact I am encouraging it  Help me get this perfect, as it is likely the last time I will ever see her.So now it comes time to part And it weighs heavy on my heart For you have been my ray of light Who ended my eternal night Just the mere sight of you was enough To see through my angry bluff Just the act of wanting you made me a better man Now I love and help others as much as I can My quest to win your heart was doomed to fail But still I persisted, to no avail I hurt us both in the process I wasn't thinking clearly, I confess And if we are to never meet again Then you shall forever live on in my pen As that pot of gold unattainable For which it is worth any trouble I have never had to say goodbye To someone for whom I would gladly die It is far harder than you think To imagine you gone in a blink If ever you need someone to talk to When feeling angry or feeling blue Don't hesitate to give me a call I'll be there as a friend, that's all It is time for me to go my way Leaving behind this painful day Now all I have to say is adieu I will always remember you… [This message has been edited by Mistikman (edited 03-10-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Travis Welton - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Meadowmuse Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263 |
Mistikman, I just saw this...will get back with you in just a bit, okay? ~ Claire |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
You have spoken from your heart well in this Travis. I will see what I can do for you hun. I'll keep an eye on this as well. Others might beat me to the punch with my time constraints. |
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Meadowmuse Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263 |
I'm sorry...I didn't mean to overstep. [This message has been edited by Meadowmuse (edited 03-10-2000).] |
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Meadowmuse Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263 |
[This message has been edited by Meadowmuse (edited 03-10-2000).] |
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
Meadowmuse- Thank you so much, I love what you have done with my poem I will use yours if none better come along, I am really impressed Marilyn- Thank you, and even if someone beats you to the punch, post your version, I want as much choice as possible here |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I am going to be completely honest here... I actually think it might be a great idea to give it to her as it is, not rewrite it or use someone elses - just because it is from YOU...you the person who loves this girl - what more can you give than who you are...just as you are. I like this very much and think it is a beautiful thing to have written, Mistikman. I really do. Just my honest opinion. 'Writing sharpens life; life enriches writing' Sylvia Plath |
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
Severn- I see where you come from and I agree to a point. My version has many errors in meter, and one spot where the rhyming isnt quite right, and I am asking for the people here to help me fix it. Meadowmuse went far beyond my original request by reworking most of my poem. My sense of meter is pretty horrible, and I want this poem to flow by the time I show it to her. |
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PoeticKnight Senior Member
since 2000-01-20
Posts 1144New Orleans, LA |
I agree with Severn about just showing her what you wrote. But i do understand what you are saying about meter and flow. I am the worst at that stuff. But if this girl doesn't like the sentiment expressed in your poem, then maybe she don't deserve you. There will be some girl who will appreciate your words. You've got to just lay yourself on the line and see what happens...that is just my opinion, 1 cent worth. Good luck. |
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angel girl Member
since 1999-07-23
Posts 322within a whisper... |
This is really good. I wish a guy would write a poem like this for me! One touch of nature makes the whole world kin. -William Shakespeare |
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
JML- Well, its no longer a question of will I win her heart. That quest was failed awhile ago. Now I am just looking for a way to say goodbye. It is not she that doesnt deserve me, it is I who does not deserve her. She is the most wonderful, sweet, intelligent person I have ever met, and beautiful too. I am an overweight slacker who lacks the traits she is looking for. I want her to remember me, as I shall remember her. angel girl- I dunno, maybe you are reading this letter wrong, but this is saying goodbye, I will likely never see you again. What you want is a love letter, which this is not Meadowmuse- Dont apologize, you didnt overstep anything. I found your version of my poem wonderful. It was slightly different than what I was looking for, but it was wonderful nonetheless. |
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