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Open Poetry #5
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Is this whats called a "villanelle"? Please read and give your comments...
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Open Poetry #5
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Is this whats called a "villanelle"? Please read and give your comments...
| Open Poetry #5 |
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Is this whats called a "villanelle"? Please read and give your comments... |
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Travis Junior Member
since 1999-06-14
Posts 17 |
You wonder why my heart hurts me so, And why all that I am…has died. And you wonder why I can’t let go. There are so many things you just don’t know, So many times I’ve been cast aside. You wonder why my heart hurts me so. My life has been at an all time low. It seems as if every love has lied. And you wonder why I can’t let go. The story of love I can easily forgo. Love hurts, as I have often implied You wonder why my heart hurts me so. As love runs from me, my heart in tow, My body weeps, my soul broken inside. And you wonder why I can’t let go. If you ask me to love, the answer is “no” Too many nights I have sat and cried. You wonder why my heart hurts me so And you wonder why I can’t let go. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Travis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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First__Knight Senior Member
since 1999-11-08
Posts 678 |
I myself do not know much of correct poetry and styles....I do not even consider myself a poet by name..... But as for content I can feel the release and the harbor of feelings in this and understand every word as having shared in such matters of the heart at sometime of the past. I like it...Well done I don't buy temporary insanity as they murder defense. Because people kill people. That's and animal instinct. I think breaking into someone's home and ironing all their clothes is temporary insanity. |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Well, Travis - I'd say this certainly looks pretty much like a villanelle to me... It's wonderful to see someone joining us with an affinity to this kind of poetry... Watch out for Skyfyre, though... She's recruiting people to do double sestina's...  |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
HEY!!! No fair giving me away to the newbies, Nan ...  LOLWelcome, Travis, and yes, this IS a villanelle ... if you like this type of poetry (structured, that is), might I suggest you visit the "Poetry Workshop" forum now and then, where we explore this form and many other goodies as well?  (PS: Don't listen to Nan -- she's just sore cause I wrote two doubles to her NONE! LMAO) --Kess, AKA Le Joyeux Aliene (the Merry Lunatic)  Full fathom five thy father lies, Of his bones are coral made, Those are pearls that were his eyes; Nothing of him that doth fade But doth suffer a sea-change Into something rich and strange... --William Shakespeare, from The Tempest |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Wonderful poem, Travis! The pain in this is so well expressed! Denise |
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One Who Understands Member
since 2000-01-20
Posts 251Cedar Rapids, Iowa |
God can I relate! I'd like to share my version of the pain with you... I Understand I understand what it is to feel pain, I understand when you're treated like dirt. I understand when you're out in the rain, I understand what it's like to be hurt. When you ache inside, and don't know why, I understand. When you lower you're head, and start to cry, I understand. When you know you will fail, but you still try, I understand. When you shed a tear, and hug good-bye, I understand. I know what it feels like, To be pushed away. I know how it hurts, No matter what they say. I know what it's like, To fight all the way. And I know how pain, Just won't go away. I understand why you feel helpless, I understand why you want to hide. I understand why you feel lonely, I understand when you don't have pride. I understand what it's like to be you, I understand when you feel like crying. I understand your frustration inside, I understand when you feel like dying. But precious, please don't cry. Hold you're chin up, and dry your eyes. Everything will be okay. There will be no more good-byes. Please send me other pieces similer to this. I enjoy reading about others who understand |
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Beki Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1569Newport Beach, CA, USA |
Yes I concur, the rhyme scheme and stanza pattern of this follows the form of the villanelle. HOWEVER, your meter needs some work, a villanelle has consistent meter as well as rhyme. For instance, the pattern you set in the beginning stanza is -'-'-'--' (9 counts) -'-'-'-' (8 counts) --'-'-'-' (9 counts) your irregular beat is at the end of the first line but at the beginning of the last, and the middle line is one count short...even so, if the other stanzas followed this pattern it would be somewhat ok. But they don't . take a look at the second stanza... --'--'-'-' (10 counts) -'-'-'--' (9 counts) -'-'-'--' (9 counts) Here your 2nd and third lines are consistent with each other and with the first line of the poem....perhaps this is the meter you should try to bring the rest of the poem into line with. Each of the other stanzas is just as inconsistent. On the up side, establishing the rhyme pattern is one of the toughest parts of writing a villanelle and you have done that very well, so you have a great beginning here. Try working with the meter alittle and it will be great. Am reposting my own Winterwarm for you to see as an example.It is the first villanelle I ever published and has been published several times since. It will help you see what I mean by consistent meter. |
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PhaerieChild Senior Member
since 1999-08-30
Posts 1787Aloha, Oregon |
To be quite honest I wouldn't know a villian from a villanelle but I do know that I like this very much. It's very sad and poignant. Poetry~ Words falling on paper, painting a dream. Shawna R. Holder Boise, Idaho |
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Travis Junior Member
since 1999-06-14
Posts 17 |
Thank you so much for your replies to this poem.......I read a villanelle here at this site, and it inspired me to try. Your comments are much appreciated! Thank you Beki for your help, I was able to follow the rhyme pattern, but never even thought about the meter. I'm going to try to touch it up a bit. Again, thank you for reading. Travis |
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Is this whats called a "villanelle"? Please read and give your comments...
