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Open Poetry #5
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i want it back
| Open Poetry #5 |
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i want it back |
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stephen j Junior Member
since 2000-01-15
Posts 21 |
i want it back i screwed up,and now i regret it, i want it back, i want back what i had, and now its gone , my real friendship its gone, and i want it back. by stephen j |
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| © Copyright 2000 stephen j - All Rights Reserved | |||
bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Hi Stephen. I definitely liked the rhythm and flow of this, but it's very vague. It seems like it would be the chorus sung again and again in a song. But, without the supporting verses around the chorus, it's very open-ended and hard to relate to. I mean, I understand you want your friendship back, but a million questions are asked in the process> What was this friendship? Who was it with? What made it "real?" How was it lost? Granted, poems are about brevity, but this seems more like a promising start, not a full-on poem. Mike |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
stephen: i have to agree with mike on this one; i feel that the poem is too vague... the sentiment is understood well enough, but to make it really hit home i need to be fed some kind of a story... at least some allusions to whom or what you are speaking of specifically... sincerely, **jerome the boy whose brain got left out in the rain and nobody bothered to dry it off when they put it back in |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Hi, Stephen. Whoops, didn't realize it was only your first post! I don't want to scare you away. What I said before stands, but look at the positive side: you seem to have an innate grasp of word rhythm and flow. It's the start of something big. Keep writing! Mike |
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whiskey
since 1999-12-28
Posts 1278Australia |
I think you should add to the poem , You could rewrite it adding some more to it , its great what you have written Dont take me the wrong way it just needs some more , Welcome to passions  |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
We truly often forget to appreciate what we have until it's no longer there for us. Welcome to Passions, Stephen. Check your email... |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Welcome to Passions, Stephen! Sometimes we don't appreciate what we have until it's gone, that's for sure! Denise And slight is the sting of his trouble Whose winnings are less than his worth; For he who is honest is noble, Whatever his fortunes or birth.~~~Alice Cary, ~Nobility~ |
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Rus Bowden Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 139 |
hi stephen, this has such an echo as i read, tough to screw up. rus |
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