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Wanna know what makes me mad?
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Wanna know what makes me mad? |
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Lady Lost Member
since 2000-07-13
Posts 470
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Why is it that when people don't get want they want they get all worked up. Especially when it comes to relationships... They act all sweet and caring, when they realize that they can't have the person they have sought after , because that person doesn't feel the same...they begin to act cold and mean towards that person and talk bad about them...even after claiming to be their friend and care sooo much about them. Its almost like people put on a facade..to make the other person like them, which means they never really cared to begin with. If I can't have a person I like a lot and care for (which ususally doesn't happen....lol j/k) I am happy having them in my life as my friend...I don't stop caring because I can't have what I want. I can't stand selfish people. < !signature--> "I mean that loving you is strange and adored by me throughout..oh no it's you again, blessing you with every kiss..." [This message has been edited by Lady Lost (edited 12-04-2000).] |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
quote: I can't stand selfish people...but sometimes we have to be selfish in a good way. It's selfish to take time for yourself when you should be doing housework or homework. It's selfish to read a book instead of going to a dull office party. The rest of your statement is a generalization. And as such, I find that it doesn't apply. Take me for instance - and here I'm going to share something (and this is rare because I'm a VERY private person). When I care about someone, or think I could, and it turns out that I can't have him, I retreat..withdraw...tell myself I wasn't worthy. I remain friends with both parties. And it hurts....really hurts. But I hide it quite well behind humor and a genuine desire to make everyone happy. So what you just posted doesn't sound like me. So please, don't generalize. It's like saying all blondes are dumb (I am one too btw!) or you can't teach an old dog new tricks or it's always darkest before the dawn (where did THAT come from?). Anyway. I know that you've had an experience lately that caused you to post this. But it's not the way EVERYONE deals with this kind of thing. And when you come to think of it, you need to know both sides of any story to be able to make a point. (If you'd like to talk more about this, please email me!) Thanks Beth. [This message has been edited by Poet deVine (edited 12-04-2000).] |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
Personally, I think people who put up false fronts aren't worth having around as friends to begin with. I especially despise the ones who, in realizing no hope for a relationship past friendship exists, decide the offending party (that would be us) is therefore the seed of ALL evil in the world. I won't elaborate any further as I am only allowed to inflict so much evil on a daily basis here. Michael |
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raleighbttrfly Member
since 2000-11-21
Posts 160Raleigh NC |
Come on people haven't we all give or gotten that "i jest want to be friends speach". It hurts bad!! Some times we say we are happy to jest be friends and at the time we said it we ment it. But the hart is fragile thing and even when we know that we care about some one and don't realy mean what we might say, hurt turns to anger be for you know it. You can not alway predict how yoou will feel after you get let down. I'm sorry to hear that you ae going threw a bad thing with this guy but some people only know how to resopnd to hurt with anger. Hope it gets better for you. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Well. Gee, Beth - that's a very noble attitude isn't it? I admire you. I have to say I agree with Sharon that most of this seems to be really generalised, especially if you bother to consider that each circumstance is made up of individual, private factors. I find this statement: 'its almost like people put on a facade..to make the other person like them, which means they never really cared to begin with.' a wee bit trite. That's a very easy answer to supply don't you think? For myself, personally, I feel that if you love someone and can't have them, there is the potential you just might be hurt. Shocking I know...but there it is. Unfortunately deep hurt can cause a person to react in ways that may contradict their previous 'sweet and caring' attitudes. I'm glad you don't stop caring if you can't have what you want. That's just awesome. I am sure that the rest of us will try to aspire in your noble footsteps. K [This message has been edited by Severn (edited 12-05-2000).] |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
Just a note for Kamla: I feel that if you truly love a person, there is no hurt in "not" having them. Part of loving a person is accepting them fully and respecting them as they are. I hate to use the word "unconditional" but that is truly what love is all about, isn't it? Only in realizing you can love someone without having to have their love in return can the joy of being loved in return truly be appreciated. I think the deep hurt you speak of comes from the longing for love, itself, and the expectations we all seem to set ourselves up for when that love is not present in our lives - the negative reactions you speak of almost a defense mechanism a wounded heart and/or ego may use to protect itself, i.e. hide behind. Let's face it, rejection just plain sucks. Indeed, the "caring attitudes" may seem to have been abandoned, but I would be willing to bet remain intact beneath the surface in most cases. Michael |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I have been silently reading, not knowing what to say....there's a lot of pain here. On all sides. And oddly, I can relate to everybody on one level or another. I think we all need to keep in mind the humanity and fallability of one another. Let's keep in mind that the first reaction to pain is to cry out. Let's keep in mind also that the heart will do what it will--and it's not a force that will be directed by the intellect, or even by the most subtle moral reasoning. (I think that's why it feels so wonderful when it happens, because it is like hitting a spiritual lottery.) And now, if I can (smile) I will close now, with the one thing I have learned in this lifetime thus far, and that is "Be careful of what you do not understand, for that is your demon and lesson in life, and you will walk in the shoes of your own misunderstanding, and continue to do so, until you know." Words, I will eat, I'm sure, but tonight I will risk it. Love and healing hugs to all, and now I am off to be invisable serenity again. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey Michael... Yes - I agree to a certain extent. More fool us that care remains under the hurt sometimes. Love does not listen, it does not obey. It just is. I suppose what bugs me is when you are told you have someone's love repeatedly, you make plans together with that person, and then poof. Gone. And even though plans and dreams are never guarantees it's still a slap in the face. You know, I was thinking of a particular situation when I wrote about deep hurt. It isn't the rejection that gets me so much - not in its purest sense. That's far too simple. I was thinking of the physical cost to my life. Things I have sacrificed - things that this person implied I may have sacrificed to add to an idealised romantic element. Things that this person does not give one toss about - that I have lost them. It is rather difficult to remain unconditionally loving in that circumstance. It is not at all about an altruistic feeling of acceptance - quite frankly I think that's a load of crap right now.  It sounds nice...but sorry - I'm human. It's not even about being loved in return - because honestly, I wouldn't want this person's love anymore anyway. I'm not seeking it.I didn't write my opinion from a victim's stance - I actually made the choices that resulted in my sacrifices. However, I felt somewhat forced to make those choices. Messages don't always require words, and in part I had to act on my gut instinct. I am glad now that I did. But correct choices and whatnot don't stem the tide of hurt. I believe it is entirely possible to love and to be angry. More - I consider it normal. (Icky word, but it suffices.) So this: 'I feel that if you truly love a person, there is no hurt in "not" having them' to me is idealistic and Michael, can you really think of anyone who has reached this point without hurt? Really? Oh, and btw, love is awesomely present in my life right now... Yay bounce.Thankyou Michael - your words meant a lot, and I hope I haven't sounded brusque at any point - it's just me being me in a blunt mood lol. Hugs K [This message has been edited by Severn (edited 12-05-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
the inevitable problem with threads like this is that we will all discuss different facets of what is an extremely complex issue or issues, and thereby get at cross-purposes and achieve nothing (other than maybe more hurt). IMHO the wisest things said so far in this thread were from sharon: "The rest of your statement is a generalization" and a quite excellent comment quoted by karen: ""Be careful of what you do not understand, for that is your demon and lesson in life, and you will walk in the shoes of your own misunderstanding, and continue to do so, until you know."" peace P |
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Lady Lost Member
since 2000-07-13
Posts 470 |
I have not been rejected at all recently, quite the opposite, actually.... but thank you for your concern. I have a friend who recently went through this and it hurts me because he really is a sweet guy. Everyone seems to have an opinion on him, especially girls he has hurt. People think they know who he is deep inside. A few people do. I had an opportunity to really get to know him and see a side no one else ever has. However, after reading your opinions on this matter I realized that there is always two sides to a story, and perhaps I have not been fully informed on the details of his situation. So I cannot judge, and I am glad I posted this because it made me realize just that. Oh and BTW...as much as I hate selfish people, I have to tell you what I LOVE.. Sarcastic people. They are so amusing! < !signature--> "I mean that loving you is strange and adored by me throughout..oh no it's you again, blessing you with every kiss..." [This message has been edited by Lady Lost (edited 12-05-2000).] |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
Kamla - no need to apologize for sounding brusque or for anything you've said at all. We all have a right to feel hurt at times. Especially when we've laid our feelings on the line to someone who has been purely deceptive in their admonishment of feeling. I suppose what bugs me is when you are told you have someone's love repeatedly, you make plans together with that person, and then poof. I don't think I have to tell you I know how that feels. You probably can remember me making some pretty serious plans not so long ago, selling my house, etc. and having everything in my world turned upside down on a whim... I'm not saying love doesn't hurt sometimes, all I was saying is love accepts. Love is not scornful in nature, even when lied to, misled, what have you. True love is given freely and expects nothing in return, therefore when something is given in return can appreciate it to a much fuller extent, (just my opinion based on my own personal dealings I am sure). If you ever loved someone who wasn't in love with you and never professed a love for you, you might better know where I am coming from. You could readily accept their position without the disdain or the anger that seems to stem from a rejection coming from someone who has professed their love for you, then for whatever reason changed their mind/heart, what have you. Anyhow, I won't babble on as I am very tired already and probably not making any sense anyway. I will say that I am glad to hear that love is present in you life. For the first time in my life I am feeling like I really know what love is supposed to be like. ((HUGS)) to you, too. Michael [This message has been edited by Michael (edited 12-05-2000).] |
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Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-05-19
Posts 8669Michigan, US |
quote: I agree it is entirely possible (and normal) to love and be angry. The real question, though, is whether the anger substantially changes the love for the worse. I agree with Michael - a selfless love may be subject to hurt and anger, but does NOT lash out in retaliation. A selfless love, no matter the pain, no matter the rejection, still wants nothing but the best for the object of their love. And if you but tweak your mind-set just a bit, you'll realize this isn't even as rare as it might at first sound. Very often the epitome of selfless love is called Parenting. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Well i'm not sure about the situation. I would regard at as bitterness rather than being selfishness. I don't know........I would be pissed off too if i couldn't get what I wanted!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I hate your socks. I'd like to burn them! |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Well i'm not sure about the situation. I would regard at as bitterness rather than being selfishness. I don't know........I would be pissed off too if i couldn't get what I wanted! I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I hate your socks. I'd like to burn them! |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
It is human nature to be disappointed when we are thwarted in our endeavours. This is especially true in the pursuit of interpersonal relationships, as we have generally devoted some part of our emotional state to our success. The harder you try, the harder you fall ... We all deal with our disappointments in different ways. There are a plethora of defense mechanisms and coping techniques that have been documented by psychologists ... most of which, coincidentally, are utilized in the face of some real or perceived loss (or the potential thereof). What you have pointed out in this post is that you deal with your disappointment differently than others you have observed (or at least one would hope you did, lest you be labeled a hypocrite LOL). This does not mean that either technique (yours, or theirs) is "better," per se -- only that yours works better for you. While I'm sure that your new 'friends' (the ones you still want despite the fact they didn't want more than your friendship) appreciate your approach better than the other you described, sometimes circumstances and/or personalities make it impossible for a 'friends' relationship to be maintained with the offending party (because let's face it, it IS an offense to be turned down!). Emotions are unsteady ground, Beth. You would do well to tread lightly. Respectfully, --Linda Remember: maintaining a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will certainly annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Locked as per Beth's request. Alicat |
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