Smile of the Heart - Songwriting - Alt Rock

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PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

0 posted 2002-11-01 04:52 PM

Hello

Noah and I were talking, and we decided here would be a good place to venture for crituque/opinion of this alt rock/Pete Yorn style song. I'm just looking to see what you think, and improve.

Thank you.

"Smile of the Heart"

Verse One:
Before you go baby,
before you go I wanted to tell you
I may not understand this love for you
but no, I do not regret.
It was inevitable I'd fall.
The thought you love in return
causes a smile of the heart

Chorus:
I've got a smile of the heart,
over you.
I may be losing you,
but I've got a smile of the heart
even without you.

Verse Two:
I can't comprehend the return, love,
the affections you send my way
as you walk through that door.
My wish is to wake up with
a bliss bliss bliss whiff of your hair.
It won't happen love, for our pairing
seems destines to always fall free

(Chorus)
I'll hide it away love, the passion for you.
That little, should I say large, corner
of this battered heart with your imprint,
dear ... dear, only you and I know about.
When the tears demand fuel, when
passion needs a leak, I'll have
and endless ... and endless supply.

(chorus)

Verse Four:
When I need a smile, love,
I need just think of you and it's
it's just unavoidable. The best to me
be only you, the owner of my love.
Every next day we exist and ever after
I'll look forward to you, even...
even if I'll never be able to touch
to touch
you
be able to tough, touch you.
My love.

(chorus)

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

1 posted 2002-11-02 01:34 AM

Hi, Titus
You already know I like this.
I have no clue how to critique a song,
but I do have a clue about what I like..lol.
I think this has the potential to be a beautiful song.
I love the 'feel' of it and the 'idea' of it.
I can't wait till I can hear it put to music.
Keep up the great writing, my friend.
Hugs,
~Vicky

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

2 posted 2002-11-03 12:04 PM

I agree, Vicky, when it's put to music, my vision for the song will be much more apperant. Thank you, by the way.

Sincerely,
Titus

"A life unexamined is not worth living."
-Socrates

Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

3 posted 2002-11-03 09:20 PM

Actually, any of the poetry forums would be appropriate for this, since you can easily ask for critiques on the lyric quality, as I have for some songs, or rather psalms, that I've posted in Spiritual.

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

4 posted 2002-11-04 12:09 PM

Would a moderator mind moving it there for me?

~Titus

"A life unexamined is not worth living."
-Socrates

Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

5 posted 2002-11-04 09:22 AM

Ok Titus. It's been move to the Pub. The new url is /pip/Forum39/HTML/001215.html

Alicat

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