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Idealism
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Idealism |
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Astro Member
since 2003-01-08
Posts 69Ca. |
Idealism The innocence of my youth Is impaled on wooden posts Resembling a picket fence. Disappointment, Which was once a facet of self-betrayal, Is to me, now, a missed Appointment with the Dentist, Or some other such sterile Practitioner, Not getting what I want for Christmas, Or, perhaps, all of this. Media delusions on the morning news Are a luxury -- burying sorrow In a quicksand of smiles. And I hunger for reality. I yearn for escape. My devouring days Are loud with familiar sounds -- All of them in Dolby Surround Until the swooning parade Lulls me in a fitful sleep -- A sweat bead of heat and horror. But I’m adrift and the nightmares Are murmurs And only a vague desire for dreams Still burrows in my skin. Sight is an always awful beginning |
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| © Copyright 2003 Luke Austin Donatello - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
You have some good descriptive terms in this but it lacks trimming of some unnecessary words, especially in the first stanza. For example: Saying “The innocence of youth impaled on wooden posts” (S1-L1&2) We learn soon enough that this is a first-person account. Also: “once a facet of self-betrayal, now, a missed appointment”(S1-L5&6) And: “perhaps, all of this.” (S1-L11) Technically this should read “both of these” since you only gave two examples. For what it's worth. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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Astro Member
since 2003-01-08
Posts 69Ca. |
It's worth at lot; thank you. I agree with taking out the personal pronouns in some places. The "all of this" line was just a general reference to life. Hence, life is a dissapointment. Thanks for the thoughts. Sight is an always awful beginning |
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