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Critical Analysis #2
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Avidity
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Avidity |
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Joelprado New Member
since 2003-12-16
Posts 3 |
Avidity To ache and yearn an ardent kiss, A passion churns agonizing bliss Vividly enticing a fantasy conceived Illusions surmising a destiny believed Consuming desire a revel in lust, Committing, so dire a heart entrust Eyes behold the moment to seize A move so bold entailing appease Intently seducing with titillative taste Eagerly perusing a panting haste Alluringly incisive the subtle graze, Imminently incensive the insatiate embrace A rendered amour perpetually elated The sweet languor reminisced and unabated Joel Prado [This message has been edited by Joelprado (12-17-2003 06:27 AM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello Joel, And welcome to the forum. I don't usually say much on a first post but I can give a quick impression here. First, I don't think the short lines do much for it. This appears to be a serious intent and short lines just usually don't work well in that context. Second, rhyming poetry usually works best when accompanied by a fairly consistent meter. Yours just around much more than I would prefer. Finally, I rarely like the centered format. That's a pretty minor objection but, as long as it is not intended to be a visual poem, many prefer just the words without the fluff. Other than those, it looks like you have a good entry into CA. Let's see what others think. Pete |
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Tim Senior Member
since 1999-06-08
Posts 1794 |
disjointiveness of the short lines makes it a bit tough for me to follow the train of thought. The meter does not have to be perfect, but got a little far astray for me at times. 25 cent words are fine, but to me detracted from what you were trying to say in the poem. Passion and ardor are a bit more basic to us farm boys. In any event, enjoyed the poem but would suggest a little tweaking would make it more enjoyable. |
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Joelprado New Member
since 2003-12-16
Posts 3 |
Thank you very much for your replies, not only is this my first visit to the forum, but this is my first poem, literally. I have read some previous entries concerning critiquing in order to be critiqued. I wasnt expecting critiques so soon, again Thank you. I find that my poem, as most poems are, is best understood through retrospective reading. The short quatrain meters were meant to be as they are. Though this style, like any other style, is by writer and/or reader preference, it is meant to leave points inbetween. Each verse, line, and word were selected carefully for depth in meaning, either by itself or in correlation with the next. 25 cent words, in my humble opinion, are sometimes just the opposite, providing the right context. I appreciate your time in reading my poem and I'm glad you enjoyed it. I will definitely keep in mind your suggestions as I'm just starting out. By the way.. Great Site! |
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Craw Member
since 2003-09-11
Posts 73Scotland |
This is too precious for me. It undoubtably reveals ambition but the form is irritatingly constrictive and it reads like an exercise rather than a poem. All show no punch. All tinsel no tree. Also lines like 'with ravenous appease' and 'imminently incensive' simply aren't english. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I agree about the meter, it's just too distracting. I see this as more of a mood poem than anything else... which is fine, but in my experience, you can only do so much with creating a mood and tone. I don't really see how you can go more than a few stanzas with this.. it should either be cut shorter, or given more substance. I do think you have some good lines... 'To ache and yearn an ardent kiss, A passion churns agonizing bliss' This was cool until the last line... agonizing just completely throws the flow and seems a little out of place. That might have been your intent, but I don't think it really works. 'Eagerly perusing a panting haste' I kind of liked the way these lines read... good flow and neat wod choice. I also really thought your rhyme between desire and so dire was cool... a neat sound inversion. My biggest problem, though, is that you have some good phrases, but not much else. Like I said, sometimes shorter can be better. Hope I've helped. |
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Neeraja Senior Member
since 2002-06-22
Posts 812The Netherlands |
For a first poem I think it's promising! welcome on PIP Joel! Neeraja |
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Joelprado New Member
since 2003-12-16
Posts 3 |
Thank you very much for your critiques, I will definitely go back and add more substance to it, providing more "punch" and "tree" ;-) It was meant to be a mood poem, but it may be too long. I dont think I'll be cutting it though. I'll repost with a slightly different version. By the way, Imminently incensive? This makes sense to me. Is it the word incensive that throws people off? dictionary.com "Tending to excite or provoke; inflammatory". Should I do away with it? |
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Craw Member
since 2003-09-11
Posts 73Scotland |
It's not all you should do away with. How about appease as a noun? What's the definition of that? |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
What an interesting response, Craw. Another word to look up - sarcasm. Sarcasm happens to me one of my favourite veins of humour...when it's used appropriately. The above wasn't. Btw, did you know that I know someone who lives in Scotland very well...nice place. K |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: Joel, It may be time to ask Santa for an up to date dictionary Look closely on Dictionary.Com and you’ll see that this is an outdated word. Personally, I have to concur that this poem does indeed need some trimming. You’ve chosen words purely for their flourish. This is the essence of the “tinsel” remark. Overall, you’ve received some very substantive suggestions here. You lack only to apply them to your poem in the proper measure to make it substantive as well. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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