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Ah Girl
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Ah Girl |
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goo New Member
since 2003-12-15
Posts 1 |
This is a poem I wrote a few months ago after I broke up with my girl. It portrays the way I felt in those suspensive days.. It's my first poem.. What do you think? Her kiss, so undeniably sweet She loved me so, yes she loved me so What I gave was not enough Too much, too much - but not enough She closed the door, left me vanish Her eyes, so fresh and ah- forgiving, turned on me - just to see me crave Invoking, eversoaking what is left I find myself Oh, Forever shall I never see What I won was more than I could ever lose, that I know But now I lost what made me feel, what made me hers Memories, slowly drifting, forgetting my beautiful love Within my self I see the fire - which she set so warm a light upon Is it love? Yes, my friend. It was. |
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| © Copyright 2003 goo - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Estel Junior Member
since 2003-12-10
Posts 22 |
As a first poem, it's not bad. However, don't think that that will spare you the wrath of critics. This poem, as one would expect from a beginner, is full of cliche after cliche, and offers a theme that is also cliche. However, this can be fixed with the proper amount of critiquing, remodeling, and editing. If you are prepared to revamp this poem, then you can make it worthier. Her kiss, so undeniably sweet >> undeniably sweet is somewhat cliche, doesn't offer much up in the 'showing' business, it tells us rather She loved me so, yes she loved me so >>you don't need to repeat yourself What I gave was not enough Too much, too much - but not enough >>you repeated yourself some more She closed the door, left me vanish >> 'left me vanish' is bad grammer Her eyes, so fresh and ah- forgiving, turned on me - >> 'ah' is unnecessary, should be stricken, as should 'so fresh' just to see me crave >> i suggest deleting this segment Invoking, eversoaking what is left I find myself >> not a bad line Oh, Forever shall I never see >>'Oh' is melodramatic, and the grammar construction "Forever shall I never" is old and done with What I won was more than I could ever lose, that I know >> "What I won was more than I could lose" wouldn't be bad But now I lost what made me feel, what made me hers >>very clicheish, and proseish, doesn't sound poetic to me Memories, slowly drifting, forgetting my beautiful love >>'slowly drifting' is cliche here, as is 'beautiful love' Within my self I see the fire - which she set so warm a light upon >>pure cliche, consider striking. Don't know if you know this, but few poets can write of such things and get away with it. Is it love? Yes, my friend. It was. >>don't tell us, show us Well, I gave a somewhat harsh critique there. Take what you like. To help you on the direction of this poem, I suggest taking an extremely specific aspect of this relationship (or nonrelationship as it were) and expanding it in as much of a specific yet word-conservative manner that you can. You will see your poem improve tremendously, I hope.  |
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KoKo Senior Member
since 2003-02-15
Posts 995Inside the shadow's shadow |
I thought this was awesome for a first poem. There are a few cliches, but they weren't too distracting to me. "just to see me crave" I actually loved that line...but I could be biased, because I understand and can relate to this whole poem. |
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
some very nice lines in here....and the overall feel of the poem is very good. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
I noticed two decent phrases—partial lines really—in this otherwise cliché ridden piece: “Invoking, ever soaking(separate words by the way)” “what made me feel, what made me hers”, (has sort of a nice rhythm). The only other thing that can be said of this piece is that it is, for the most part, stale. Estel, has already covered it pretty accurately, apart from the conflicting tenses in the last line. Sid |
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