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Critical Analysis #2
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Empty Words
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Empty Words |
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Astro Member
since 2003-01-08
Posts 69Ca. |
Empty Words I have bottled air on display To symbolize the void of decay, Oft’ called humanity. It is trapped in a transparent Mason jar, so haste not to warrant Fear of this cavity. To my critics: pundits be damned! I mean no offense but, understand, I must defend my art. To those enclosed in scholastic Communities: move your bombastic Sights towards my rampart. Without attempting to be rude, My enigmatic meaning eludes What is passed as reason. This quickens no call of alarm In me, as even winter can form A glorious season. And, though many curse the winter -- Its bitter frost and icy splinters, Who can escape its charm, Unless blinded by convenience -- Lulled to sleep in a languid lenience With only warmth in arm? The harsh cold, to those who hazard, Is an invigorating blizzard That’s otherwise betrayed -- Pushed to the abandoned annals Of memory or the slate panels Of a copied Kinkade. So welcome this air on display, Though you may misunderstand. Someday, When opening cupboards Bare, but with empty mason jars, You will hear a call, as from afar, The hope of empty words. Sight is an always awful beginning |
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| © Copyright 2003 Luke Austin Donatello - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
First of all, you're addressing a certain audience with the assumption that they will disagree with you, or even scorn your "art." The line: 'Though you may misunderstand.' actually seems to imply that even after your explanation, your audience still won't get it. It's not really effective to basically call your readers dense... kind of alienating, actually. As for the rest of this, your idea about air in a jar is... sort of okay, I guess.... misguided though. In fact, I think you're a bit full of it (if humanity is a 'void of decay' -first of all, how can there be decay in a void?- aren't I to assume that the author thinks the same of himself? Why should i read something issued from such a worthless source?). But anyway, you're making this claim that I don't buy, and you've done nothing to convince me. Work on that. |
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Tim Senior Member
since 1999-06-08
Posts 1794 |
I kind of enjoyed the poem and in my simple mind's view, Hush's reply pretty much invalidates the criticism she attempts to make and supports the poem. I suppose one can argue semantics on "void of decay", but it works for me. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
I can’t help feeling there’s a sort of image disconnect beginning in the last two lines of S3, where the subject is suddenly shifted to winter. You fail to show a logical reason for this in the next two stanzas as well. In fact, these lines could have been completely left out of this poem without upsetting the flow in the least. It’s essentially an unrelated poem within a poem. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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Brigid WillowKeeper Member
since 2003-08-24
Posts 88OHIO IN USA |
You bring up many points (if they can be called that) and it is kind of distracting. First, you are on the topic of your title, you air on display. And next, you are criticising the reader (wich I don't mind, but maybe link it to the first part.) Then we are in winter, stuff like that. Lastly, you come back to your main point. Though the beginning is linked to the end, the ends are not linked to the middle. I agree, it is like a poem within a poem. |
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Astro Member
since 2003-01-08
Posts 69Ca. |
"I mean no offense but, understand, I must defend my art." I'm just kidding. Art doesn't need to be defended; it's inanimate. I'm sorry if no one gets it. I'm trying to find a balance between accessability to my audience and loyalty to my voice. I will always attempt to give clues and to improve my ruse, but one of the signatures of my art is its difficulty. To Hush, please read my disclaimer that if you want to criticize ME, send it in an e-mail. Your remarks were personal in nature and had no place in a serious forum for critique. First of all, a "void of decay" is also called an abscess. It's a perfectly viable medical condition and I encourage you to study it out. You may profit from the experience. Second, you make the worst mistake in reading poetry; you assume that I am the speaker of this poem. This got your emotions all in a huff and that may be why you attacked me. Being "full of it", is exactly what I wanted the speaker of this poem to be. Why else would the title be "Empty Words"? I'm glad that it was able to elicit a response, just please be careful where you aim it, okay? Everybody picked up on how silly and incongruous this piece is. Bravo. It's supposed to be. An "invigorating blizzard" is absurd. It should be a "deadly blizzard" or a "brutal blizzard". The speaker of this poem is making arguements that are hollow, to support his hollow art. He is making the claim that art can be fashioned from anything, if only the audience will use their imagination. This is preposterous, as art is -- yes, it's subjective, but art is a work of imagination from the ARTIST, not the audience! There needs to be a communication between artist and audience, not a lah-zy faire (I know it's spelled wrong), anything goes, "take whatever you want from it", interaction. Think about it, this guy's art is an EMPTY BOTTLE!!! You have plenty of them on your shelf at home. When you look at them, do you think, "Wow, this reminds me of the winter, the way snow falls on the meadow"? NO! You think, "Okay, there's that empty jar I was looking for." It's simple, really. I wrote this piece in response to a friend who believes that art is anything -- CAN be anything, if you only perceive it. I'm glad that all of you have strong opinions on art, otherwise your responses would have been "Great job!" and "Keep up the good work!", without even understanding what I'm saying. So, for your support of my claim that art IS, in fact, SOMETHING, although it's precise definition is elusive -- that art is more than just subjectivity, I thank you. I am sorry if this offended anyone. I'm open to more criticism, if you'd like. Sight is an always awful beginning |
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Brigid WillowKeeper Member
since 2003-08-24
Posts 88OHIO IN USA |
Now that you have explained it a bit more in detail, it has a great point! Now, see if you can apply that explaination to your poem, and it would be grand! |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
'To Hush, please read my disclaimer that if you want to criticize ME, send it in an e-mail. Your remarks were personal in nature and had no place in a serious forum for critique.' No they weren't, and yes, they do. First of all, I was cut off in the middle of my reply, and I realize it may sound short and curt. For that, I apologize. Second of all, I'm a nursing student, and I've never hear and abscess called a 'void of decay.' I do, however, know a bit about the condition. Thanks for the suggestion anyway though. Thirdly: 'Second, you make the worst mistake in reading poetry; you assume that I am the speaker of this poem.' Does it really matter who the speaker of the poem is? It's still an asinine person, and the speakers irritable qualities can still rub off on the reader. Please don't lecture me like I'm eight years old. I fully realize that many writers write voices from a point of view differnt than their own... I do it all the time. I'm usually mindful of specifying 'the narrator' rather than 'you'- but I was in a hurry. I see how you might have come to the conclusion that I was speaking as if you are the narrator- I apologize for the lack of clarity. But, no, you didn't get my emotions in a huff, I was simply annoyed at the apparent carelessness of your development of this character. 'Everybody picked up on how silly and incongruous this piece is. Bravo. It's supposed to be.' But I still don't think that makes it work. You should at least hint to us that you, the author, are trying to make the point that your speaker is wrong. Wihtout that, we can only assume that the speaker's silly message is also your silly message. Hope I've helped. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Astro, The critique offered was nothing approaching personal criticism, and if you had taken time to dissect it as judiciously as you seem to enjoy dissecting your own writing, you would have seen that. The opinion clearly offered was that the poem didn’t work. I would submit in Hush’s defense that if it truly worked in the first place, you would have no need to write an even longer post interpreting it. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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Tim Senior Member
since 1999-06-08
Posts 1794 |
wow, interesting comments. I thought it was a tongue in cheek poem poking a bit of fun. Didn't realize it was so serious. I didn't see it as accusing people of being dense, but rather that folks no matter what their intellectual background see and hear what they want and not what is being put forth and apparently have a need to personalize. |
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Estel Junior Member
since 2003-12-10
Posts 22 |
I enjoy the precepts of this poem, but it could use editing in either the form of trimming down the words, using one where three were before and the like, or showing more than telling. This poem is very show and telly, and I feel a bad side effect of that is its length--which distracts from the pace of the poem. Try cutting off everything you can. Also, don't use "Oft"-- it sounds too silly. Modern poets who believe in interpreting poems in every ol' which way do not use "Oft" and certainly use a different set of language than that shown in this poem. This poem feels as if someone wrote it without truly understanding the language and dynamics of the poets and critics it itself critiques. Those are just my general critiques. Adieu. |
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Astro Member
since 2003-01-08
Posts 69Ca. |
Yeah, thanx for all the critiques, everyone. I see the point about using "oft", Estel, a point well taken. I slipped that word in later, when fixing the meter, and I didn't think of finding a better one until now. Sorry about being so antagonistic, Hush. I will try to make my poems more clear and precise. I think that point is a very good and applicable critique. If I may, I believe we could've skipped all of this nonsense if we had been careful with our choice of words. Even now I'm being delicate to make my point objectively. Using the phrase, "all in a huff" was condescending and I am sorry. I ask that you also use delicacy in choosing your words. I will not go into great detail, but there certainly are some personal attacks in your critique and response. I believe that the identity of the speaker in the poem is crucial to understanding the theme, especially when you have such strong feelings towards that persona. I tried to hint at the unreliabilty of the speaker with the silliness of his art, the contradictions in his logic and the phrase "empty words", repeated in the title and poem. I am open to any more constructive criticisms you may have. CynicsRus, I am sorry if you feel I have attacked someone you care for. I reacted out of my own defensiveness and I'm sorry. Your words make it evident that you care and Hush should feel lucky. Tim! Thanx, man. I didn't want it to be serious, so feel free to take it lightly. I was just poking fun at ideas on art and such. Sight is an always awful beginning |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: Ah, decided to go with the sarcasm, eh? I’d say that makes for a rather hollow reply. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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Tim Senior Member
since 1999-06-08
Posts 1794 |
Hey Astro, I have to admit you have me bamboozled. First I think you are writing a tongue in cheek poem and find out you are full of it, and then I mistakenly interpret and think you are trying to be conciliatory and find out you are a sarcastic little devil. Little too much for me to grasp, although I have to admit on further reflection your poem has taken on added meaning. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I think Sid knows that Amy does not need protection  Instead, he was making a valid observation, that was not a personal attack.For those who may not have been around long enough to grasp the "feel" of CA, this is a critique forum. Quite often, a critique will be more negative than positive. In fact, probably most often that is the case. After all, if we just wanted "atta boys" and other pats-on-the-back, we probably would not post here at all. A critic does not help a poet, wanting to improve, by pointing out all the good stuff. It is fairly safe to assume that a critic shows what he believes is wrong and everything else is maybe all right, at least until the revision comes along Pete |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Actually, I really don't think I was personally attacking you- I was making the point of why should I trust a speaker who obviously has no faith in humanity? Why should I value anything that speaker has to say? I will admit to being short and curt in my initial reply- sorry about that. After that, well, you know, it was just tit for tat... no harm done? Gee, Sid, I didn't know you cared so much... heh... honestly Astro, I remember not too long ago being at odds with him over some huge discussion dealing with the proper way to critique... he's just holding up the stance he's always taken, whereas I may have strayed slightly from mine. I don't think it stem's from any deep-seated personal loyalty, but I may be wrong... eh? *bats eyelashes* |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Geez, I always was a sucker for "batting eyelashes." |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: Sid does indeed know—she’s a Black Belt Critic/Debater. Don’t be taken in by those batting eyelashes. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (12-17-2003 08:54 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks Sid, she almost got me there Like I said, I'm a sucker for...Oops, there I go again. |
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