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fresh snow pours moonlight
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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fresh snow pours moonlight |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
fresh snow pours moonlight thru still blackout darkened rooms blankets low lain limbs |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
My mind is a bit conflicted by the image of: “moonlight [pouring] through still blackout darkened rooms” Probably only due to the word "still." My mind seems to pick up a different meaning than what you probably intended. Maybe a comma would help. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (12-07-2003 12:50 PM).] |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Being too close to the poem, it is difficult to guess what conflict it is you allude to. I meant for the word "still" to serve two purposes - still, as in continuing, and also still, as in quiet. Which is to imply that the blackout had been going on for a while, and also that the room itself had no activity going on in it. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
In my mind, it makes no sense as the former. For, if moonlight “pours through,” how then can they still be “blackout darkened”? This is the essence of the first two lines, unless you insert a comma after “still”; in which case these lines would make more sense. I realize you’ve chosen not to punctuate and normally I see nothing wrong with that. In this case however, it detracts, since these lines can’t have two meanings for the reason I’ve tried explaining. And the meaning, as I see it, can only be clarified through punctuation. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (12-08-2003 09:20 PM).] |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Thank you for clarifying. I can see somewhat your point. I am a bit attached to having the dual meaning going on. Although the phrasing is a bit awkward perhaps, I may stick withit. I wanted to convey a sense that the blackout was of longer duration. Normally, in a well lit room, we don't see moonlight, but if the room is darkened by a blackput, we can. Especially when the snow is reflecting so much in off the ceiling. I guess I was trying for the "still blackout darkened" in the sense of the a ladle poured water into a still accidentally emptied bucket, like the bucket was dumped and not refilled until the ladle was used. Perhaps it doesn't work. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I think much of the conflict is, as Sid suggests, due to a certain missing comma. However, you don't want a comma, nor should you necessarily have one... So...what else could you do to retain the double meaning and remain punc-free...um um lol.. Do you need three lines? If 'still' were to end a line, a natural pause would result...natural pauses are great things. Even if a room has moonlight in it, it can still be dark, or darkened. So, if you replaced 'pour' with something a little less forceful, the impression of a moderately lit room would allow the sense of a darkened yet moonlit space, without (so much) conflict. Btw - I used to hate word-contractions, or mispellings like 'yr' and 'thru' etc. Now, they're growing on me. However, in this piece, I don't think the tone is right for it and 'through' might be a better choice.  K[This message has been edited by Severn (12-10-2003 05:34 AM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
But Kamla, this is one of those Japanese forms, a haiku or senryu or something. It depends on the three lines and the specific syllable counts.  Pete |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Pete...yup, I know...but: So? That's my point - does it have to? Lol... Hey, this is me you're talking to... K |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Yes, haiku 5-7-5 Does it have to? No, but then it isn't a haiku :-) How much can you hike length of a haiku up to before it isn't too or more ironically How much can you hike length of a haiku up to before it isn't haiku |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
But seriously... Perhaps a way to imply a comma without inserting it which IMHO dims the secondary meaning too much would be to insert space. fresh snow pours moonlight thru still blackout darkened rooms blankets low lain limbs I don't know if traditional haiku allows inclusion of space. I opted for thru instead of through because the longer version makes the middle line stick out too much. And I did pour over the options before using the word "pour" for the redirected moonlight. Addicted as I am to structure, a one syllable verb is mandated. I tried several others but pour seemed to best describe my feeling. Haiku is more than simply a set amount of syllables, it also is the specific attempt to describe a moment of clairty, a snapshot of time where the intensity of the moment is greater than most moments. At least, that is what I believe at this moment. [This message has been edited by gourdmad (12-10-2003 03:22 PM).] |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
I am still trying to deal with cynicrus's points. Trying to see a meaning different than I intended. So far, I have even thought of one Moonlight as variation of moonshine pour then less a poetic feeling of reflected moonlight and more literal as refering to a liquid, still being a distillery, and blackout refering to alcohol overdose. Snow being the coverup for an illegal still. Not at all what I had in mind but trying to see the haiku from perspective of a reader to see how to make it clearer. Just see where you have sent me with your critique, cynicsRus, stressed me so bad I am hitting the bottle :-) If I end up changing this it will be after some time elapses so I can see it more objectively, tx all for stimulating comments. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I thought for a minute that the "snow" represented FirstEnergy's attempt to blame August 14's blackout on low-lying tree limbs - you being in Ohio reinforced my initial interpretation. lol Actually, I kinda like that interpretation, even though it probably wasn't your original intent.  Jim |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
This one could go either way, since interpretations are rife and will be. By either way, I refer to haiku/senryu, as by one slant there is a naturistic feel, as well as seasonal wording. Snow can be seen as winter, limbs contributing to elemental wood coupled with loss of modernity through electric resources. Although it could be meant to describe stillery production of high potency alcohol and the result of inebriation, or the massive power grid failure, it can mean these and others besides, having a timeless quality. For instance, after reading, I couldn't help but think of the Northeast and heavy snows, which have that annoying habit of freezing and snapping power lines, poles, limbs, trees, and water lines, among other things. I'll go with Severn about the usage of 'through' versus 'thru', though I do see your point about line length. Haikus aren't about line length, but syllable count when you get right down to the form. Granted, a message is contained in elegant simplicity which may call for line brevity, though traditionally great care it taken towards the use of language. Alicat |
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Seth Member
since 2003-04-13
Posts 74Arizona |
Hey just dropped by to see some of your work as you were kind enough to view one of mine. I have never tried the hykew(hehe) but I enjoy them very much as they seem to be more about emotions yet fit in such a confined space.....I am reminded of the jin on aladin....sorry I digress. I enjoyed tis one very much being a native of Ohio myself....kiss the grand state for me will ya?! ~Seth |
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martin29 New Member
since 2003-12-25
Posts 1 |
still blackout darkened rooms- 3 nouns, 1 verb, the first 3 words stand out seperate (on their own) to enhance the last word. This combination could be viewed as 3 adjectives preceeding a noun. In the absence of a comma, these words become an intriguing 4 word phrase, with several contrasts....but uniquely inclusive. I like the style. I can also relate, being from Vermont. |
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