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Covet to Kill
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Covet to Kill |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133
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Covet to Kill Two sheets in hurricane She'd cry about the oddest things Like how her grapes were green Or how her life had tangled strings She looked for nail and screw She gave her love to any Jack She spread herself like dirt She counted cash on tired back She raked on weed then quit And bore a baby girl in spring Then pulled a stitch at work Agreed to blow, instead she'd sing To barren lot of Saints A teacher John and coach of ten He traded tenth for sixth By stabbing out the sins of men She's dead and grapes are gone Her sins...her baby's tangled on Always Lisa, Copyright Feb 2003 |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I have mixed feelings about this. 'Two sheets in hurricane She'd cry about the oddest things Like how her grapes were green Or how her life had tangled strings' I really like this, except for the last line. Really subtle (Two sheets in hurricane actually meaning two sheets to the wind, her grapes being green could be seen as how frivolous her troubles are, or if you think of grapes as a reproductive metaphor, her immaturity and/or sterility?) 'She looked for nail and screw She gave her love to any Jack She spread herself like dirt She counted cash on tired back' At first, I thought maybe you meant nail and screw to be literal and interpreted as a metaphor... you could extend the metpahor with images such as getting 'hammered' or just concealing the sex a little more... I think it works better as a metaphor. 'She raked on weed then quit And bore a baby girl in spring Then pulled a stitch at work Agreed to blow, instead she'd sing' I like the first two lines here, but after that I think you start to go into obscurity... you're losing me as the reader... 'To barren lot of Saints A teacher John and coach of ten He traded tenth for sixth By stabbing out the sins of men' Whatever allusion you're making here, I don't get it. Not your fault, of course... mind filling me in? 'She's dead and grapes are gone Her sins...her baby's tangled on' I like this, but... not so sure about 'on'... I think 'in' works just as well... not only do you have the internal rhyme with 'sin,' but a slanted rhyme with 'gone'. Hope I've helped. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
As usual, Hush has given a lot of good advice. I have to differ a little though. Otherwise, there is no point in commenting at all. I rather liked the 4th line. I think it might sound or feel a little better if you use was instead of had, Or how her life was tangled strings Just a thought. Then in L8, I would prefer a really two-syllable word in place of tired, maybe weary. She counted cash on weary back You may want some other word but the solid syllable does help the meter. Finally, I like that last line and the on/gone rhyme. True, it may be pretty common but I don't see that as necessarily a fault. I suppose one should not end a poem on too easy a rhyme but I would still like to see a full rhyme instead of a slant. As Hush said, some wording may be a little obscure but, overall, I like your theme and development. JMHO, Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (11-28-2003 06:35 PM).] |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
"Covet to Kill" This doesn't agree with the past tense of your poem. But a verb seems awkard to start the title with. Perhaps it could be "(A) Coveting" Or did you mean "(A) Covenant"? Just some suggestions below. Two sheets in hurricane ; She cried about the oddest things Like how her grapes were green Or how her life had tangled strings . She looked for nail and screw , She gave her love to any Jack : Now spread herself like dirt , Now counted cash on sweaty back . She raked on weed then quit , And bore a baby girl in spring. Then pulled a stitch for work, Agreed to blow (bow?)instead and sing To barren lot of Saints ; A teacher John and coach of ten who traded tenth for sixth By stabbing out the sins of men . She is dead and grapes are gone - Her sins : her baby's tangled on . "Baby's" --baby was? baby is? baby has? [This message has been edited by Essorant (11-28-2003 10:07 PM).] |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
This is one of those writes where I'll never have a true answer as to how much it failed the reader or how much the reader failed it. Perhaps it rest some where in the middle and that's not all bad. Grins* I've posted this before on another forum and some readers had a better understand of my modifiers than was found here. Still... If an author needs to explain, more often than not, it's the fault of the author. Maybe this will help to fill in some questioned spots, yet some will have to be left for the reader to wonder as I intended... This was about a young woman (prostitute) that went back to the streets not long after giving birth. (3 day after giving birth I think it was). Unable to have intercourse, she agreed to give oral sex for pay.... (Agreed to blow, instead she'd sing...) She was murdered in an empty Catholic church parking lot by a John... (To barren lot of Saints) And it meant just that but I also left room for the reader to find a meaning that they could understand, Instead of giving a blow, she'd sing to the Saints... Barren lot of Saints... Saint's that might not be found. I gave 2 messages here keeping one for myself as intended. This John was a high school coach for a Catholic school in another town close by. I knew this girl in passing at a couple/few gatherings (parties) when I was in my very early 20s. She was always very drunk and very high strung and very much a complainer when I knew her. And all I really knew about her was her first name, Carrie and Carrie swore worse than a truck driver with a flat tire. One day about 5 years later, I saw her photo on the news and head the words... Prostitute stabbed 30 some times and defenses wounds to arms and hands. I was dumbfound in finding out the course of her life and its end but then again, it kinda fit my thought when meeting her... she was well on her way to finding trouble or trouble finding her. After her murder, a custody battle was to follow...(She's dead and grapes are gone Her sins...her baby's tangled on) I didn't expect the reader to know this from the ending. I only wanted the reader to imagine the future of a child living on after something like this and that is why I used the word "on" instead of "in." (tangled on) lives on with this... tangled on. It makes those green grapes/trivial things seem so much more small, hmmm? When I first wrote this, I too had trouble using the word "on" because I knew it would come to question, still, I suck with my will, right or wrong. Most of the advice for word changes, I don't care for or think they better my work but there were 2 points made by Pete that I really like...his advice with L8...Weary instead of tired. and his advice with L4, change "had" to "was" This isn't to say that the rest of the advice given wasn't good but I don't think that is was better than what I had. Last but not least, thank you for taking the time to read and go over my work and offering so much of your thoughts to it. It left me with a lot to consider and that's a very good thing. Regards, Always Lisa [This message has been edited by Always Lisa (12-02-2003 02:37 PM).] |
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