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Critical Analysis #2
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tecoyah
Member
since 2003-11-16
Posts 83
NY

0 posted 2003-11-27 10:32 AM



if only once, I feel
this chill from heated life
melting all I thought I was
no touch can compare, to the image
burned in the retina of my soul

I knew this once, I think
in dreams half forgotten
the tip of my minds tongue
tasting imagined futures of love
sweetening the bile that is life

the fabric of love is felt

© Copyright 2003 Tecoyah - All Rights Reserved
cynicsRus
Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!
1 posted 2003-11-27 10:19 PM


I must say, I mostly liked this.
Statements as paradoxical as, “chill from heated life,” are the sorts of things I find compelling.
However, if the eyes are metaphorically, “the windows of the soul,” I’m not sure how the soul would have a retina. Besides, it should be “into,” rather than “in.”

“no touch can compare,” is a bit hackneyed.

“bile” seems too strong for this particular premise—or it may be that this line’s just a bit too paradoxical for me.

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com
www.primerhymeetc.com

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