The Room of Yesterday’s Love

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Critical Analysis #2

The Room of Yesterday’s Love

eulalie
New Member

since 2003-11-16

Posts 8

0 posted 2003-11-20 08:08 PM

I try every way to lay:
sideway, right way, left way. Wrong.
on pillows, on you on me.
Counting sheep on 7 feet by 7feet

‘Til day spews on the room,
her you, 6 feet, 7 feet by 7 feet,
sparking dark ecstasy,
borrowed beds loaned out dreams,
wet sheets dry screams;
Happy Meal love,
and I leave.

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

1 posted 2003-11-20 11:42 PM

Hey,
I'm new here, so I'm not familiar with any of your poems.  This one is unique, but I like it.

I'm not sure about some of the puncuation though.  'on you on me', 'we sheets dry screams', 'her you', 'borrowed beds loaned out dreams.'
Did you want a comma in there, or were you doing it for effect?  (I loved these by the way).

I didn't understand the '6 feet'.  What is that?

Not sure about the word "spews".  I dont know if I like that.  It works, just not sure what kind of image you want to create.

"Happy meal love."  Awesome line.  Great job.

I really like the end too.

This is a nice poem.  I found myself wanting more even.  Consider expanding it?

Good job.

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

2 posted 2003-11-21 10:51 PM

I’m guessing there’s a missing comma in L 6 after “her”, and L 8 after “beds”.
The only problem I have is “sparking dark ecstasy,”
That may just be me, but I can’t help feeling I’ve seen this line a few dozen other times—in just the past week.
(Exaggerating, of course, but not by much.)

L’s 8, 9 & 10 are the strongest part of this. In fact, they are downright captivating.
The incidental rhyme here, adds even more interest to the overall piece.
I personally wouldn’t wish to see it expanded upon.

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com
www.primerhymeetc.com

Ramjam
Junior Member

since 2003-11-23

Posts 21

3 posted 2003-11-23 02:14 PM

borrowed beds loaned out dreams,
wet sheets dry screams;
Happy Meal love

vry gud job man

best rj

eulalie
New Member

since 2003-11-16

Posts 8

4 posted 2003-11-24 02:46 AM

Thank you for the comments. The punctuation is for effect. Thanks for pointing out the weakest points:"6 feet," I wasn't sure if that would be understood, I liked the way it sounded though so I wanted to see if it was clear, "sparked dark ecstasy" now that I see it again I would agree it is quite cliché.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.