»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Praying for Bastards (revised)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Praying for Bastards (revised) |
|
|
merc Junior Member
since 2003-10-15
Posts 35 |
Here is a revision based on the comments I recieved. I want to make a few quick notes, Hush gave me some feedback regarding the possesives, names "atheist's son". The reason why it hasn't been changed is because I don't mean son of an atheist I mean a son who is an atheist. An atheist son as opposed to an atheist's son. The same follows for the other two lines, not an atheist's feeling or his fun, but feeling and fun of atheist quality among one or even many people. Another comment was made about generalities within the first two stanza's, I opted to keep these because it conveyed the point I wanted to make (and I'm not going to spell it out because if it isn't inherit in the poem then the poem isn't done yet) Finally the formatting within the messageboard is a continual challenge, this is somewhat close to how it is supposed to be formatted. Thanks in advance for your feedback! Praying for Bastards born and bred an atheist son with atheist feelings and atheist fun Reared and read of godly schemes by godly kings with godly dreams what of the Father where has he gone how much has he seen what have we done has he discovered a litter of sinners pushing each other Cursing and bitter have You discovered the bibles and guns have You discovered the bastard sons |
||
| © Copyright 2003 merc - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
'Another comment was made about generalities within the first two stanza's, I opted to keep these because it conveyed the point I wanted to make (and I'm not going to spell it out because if it isn't inherit in the poem then the poem isn't done yet)' The poem isn't done yet. What is an atheist to you? To me? I want to make this really clear to you: some poeple equate an atheist with a devil worshipper. Some people think atheism is the only logically sound choice. Some poeple are unconcerned. It is your duty, as the writer, to convey what you mean in no uncertain terms. I think your shift from atheist to godly in the second stanza is interesting, especially 'with godly dreams'. I assume that within the context of the stanza, you're referring to theologians? Why not pick one out... a pointed reference is almost always more effective than generalities... now, of course, you always run the risk that a particular allusion will go over someone's head (it probably would mine, since I'm not very well-read in theology at all, but I do know some basics about some of the important guys like Augustine and Aquinas (sp?)). I understand that it might disrupt the rhythm and rhyme you have going on here, but I think orienting this toward detail might be worth that, especially considering to notably looser form you use in the second part. 'what of the Father where has he gone how much has he seen what have we done' I find this interesting, because isn't it commonly believed that God knows everything? Sees everything? And... I also think the shift here is very interesting. In your first version, the atheists/sinners left God. In this version, God is leaving them. This needs to be fleshed out some... are we to assume this is only in the narrator's mind? Or was there some particular disaster where this person/group of people felt betrayed by God, and therefore felt that he left them? 'has he discovered a litter of sinners pushing each other Cursing and bitter' A marked improvement over that 'thicker and thinner' line in the first version, though I must admit I don't understand the seemingly random capitalization of cursing (nor that of rearing earlier on, either...) Once again, I think this leaves open the question of perception... 'has he discovered' kind of implies that what he (by he do you mean He? All throughout, it seems that he should be capitalized, to remain consistent with cultural tradition, as well as the capital 'You' later in the poem) discovers maight be as much his own perception as it is reality. Which, to me, poses a very interesting question. Can God mispercieve something? 'have You discovered the bibles and guns have You discovered the bastard sons' Firstly, I realize what this reminds me of, an old Marylin Manson song called Cake and Sodomy, and particularly the line 'Bible belt 'round Anglo waste.' Now, secondly, on a more critical note, I don't understand the sudden shift from third to second person here? And thirdly, on a more interpretive note, I wonder if the reference to bibles and guns implies that the followers are actually the bastard sons? This thread has been very interesting so far, I hope you continue to work with this. Hope I've helped. |
||
|
Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Hi Merc, I think you have made a fairly potential amendment. + Now the first eight lines are two stances that seem to be opposites in upbringing and lore, one as atheist and one as "godly"; + And the last few lines are put as questions ( which perhaps should have question marks  ) instead of telling us what we shall see. + I think the way you propose those- "has he discovered" and then "have you discovered"- is very curious which pricks mine interest. + "The daughters of winter" is gone. - Unfortunately "golden touches" is gone too! - Why not rhyme "litter" with "bitter?" Perhaps it may go: "sinners a-litter (...) cursing and bitter!*" or "sinners of a litter (...) acursing and bitter!" With an exclamation mark to add a little accent. + I think it has much more sense and clarity to it now. Essorant [This message has been edited by Essorant (10-24-2003 03:29 AM).] |
||
|
merc Junior Member
since 2003-10-15
Posts 35 |
Wow, You two are my heroes. Hush, Thank you so much for your feedback on this poem, it is really helping me shape the lines into the meanings I want. I'll be looking at this tomorrow and, time permitting, I'll be able to revise it further. Oh ya, I don't know how Cursing became capitalized, must have been the word processor I copied it from. Reared and You are both supposed to be capitalized, but that's it. I'll take a look at capitalizing He for clarity sake. Ess, Your comments have been just as helpful. I had no idea "golden touches" had such an impact. I'll take a look at reworking it (with the context I've turned it to I'm not sure It will be possible). As far as the loss of rhyme in the middle, it's intentional. I'll take a look at punctuating too. I'll either punctuate the entire poem properly or use line breaks and no punctuation. Thanks alot again guys, tomorrow I've set aside about an hour to go through and critique some poetry to make up for all the incredible feedback I've gotten in the last few days. |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
But litter and bitter do rhyme... just because litter isn't on the end of a line doesn mean it's not a good rhyme. Besides, if you look at the format, you'll notice that bitter is right below litter, thus creating a sense of repetition. |
||
|
merc Junior Member
since 2003-10-15
Posts 35 |
:| grrr |
||
|
Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Bump |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, Hush and Essorant have given you a lot to work with but I'll at least offer my impression for what it's worth (little usually). I thought it seemed to ramble a bit but I think the previous critiques have essentially covered that well enough. My first impression though was, why the odd format? I don't really see any reason for that and, unless the visual really contributes something of value, I find it more distracting than anything else. Of course, that may be just me. Pete |
||
|
LiL-Jew Junior Member
since 2003-10-28
Posts 30 |
WHOA!! the title kinda makes me shudder. im dont know if i would put something like that in. |
||
|
b.costen Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 107ontario, CAN |
what if adam and eve ate the forbidden fruit on purpose? |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
