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Promised Presence
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Promised Presence |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
I have been approached by a Lit professor at a local college about this poem for possible publication and use in her classroom. I am looking for opinions and advice before I do any rewrites or edits. I feel like one of my weak points is line breaks, and I wanted to know what in this works and doesnt work for the reader. It's written as tribute and based on a real incident and meant to be "over the top or dramatic" in its presentation and emotionally and imagery wise...she wants to keep that in tact in print...but I wanted to know does the story it tells make sense to those not knowing the incident behind the words? Thank you for the view through your eyes. jm ~~~~~~~~~~~ Promised Presence ... and on the seventh day ... there were butterflies on the beach ... The fading stars wept sanguine tears, staining the moon mauve as it lingered late on a warm September morn, for it too, wanted to witness the waves with us as dawn saturated the sky in salmon splendor. { Did you know } There is a promised pause just before morning is born ... when the sky sleeps nude and the tides coincide with the coast in an alluring interlude. A moment chaste in rebirth when the horizon holds it's breath in awed anticipation and all that can be heard in this blue hued hesitation is the contenting cadence of the wave's constance. Twilight pales as the horizon exhales and the naked sky unveils dawn's deliverance. Sunrise seduces the satin shore turning the surf to stained glass, reflecting champagne clouds as the waves stretch across sultry suede sand. We wandered the beach barefoot and carefree, wading in the bay's blue waved reverie. Waiting for dolphins, watching the gulls in swoon, wondering the secret they cry as they swoop and fly ... leaving their cryptic calligraphy where ever they land upon the topaz tanned sand and taupe dusted dunes. Rose colored clouds concealed the Monet moon as crimson tinged tides curl towards the pastel shore. It was then the warm wind whispered the words I had heard so many times before ... "You are there, yet still here with me" "Butterflies are meant to be free "... And in that fragmented moment ... promised on pages of chapter, verse, and rhyme, we found them falling in fragile flutter. "memories pressed between precious moments in time" A stir of echoes on an endless flight enticed upon autumn's auburn invite, Monarch messiahs held to migration's rite. Instinct's insist of the season in summons, a sequestered few sacrificed themselves on surf soaked sand, and it was there upon a destined beach of unconditional understand, I held the miracle of your traces left behind in my trembling hand. {and wasn't it was just the day before, that I had traced you in the grains of time and gave you back to the tides.} An epilogue born of ritual became an epiphany of rare. Velvet winged empyreans penned a poetic epitaph across a promised sky ... serving proof you were still there. Finally at peace in the knowing all things promised had now come to be ... there was only parting's sweet sorrow as I left you and my heart on a crystal blue bay christened by a sacred sea. "You are there, yet still here with me" "Butterflies are meant to be free" ... |
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| © Copyright 2003 Janet Marie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I'll leave the experts to critique this... I just wanted to say...I'm very proud of you! |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
I am saving this... "if you won't let me fall for you |
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Toad Member
since 2002-06-16
Posts 161 |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Ok, you winged me to death. I altered your line breaks a little, slipped out some of the "the's" and "ands" and did a little reconfiguring with some of your words...but I don't think I altered it so much that your feelings aren't as intensely felt as you mean them to be. With that said...here you go. Chew on it a bit. ~*~ Promised Presence ... and on the seventh day ... there were butterflies on the beach ... The fading stars wept sanguine tears, staining the moon mauve as it lingered, late on a warm September morn, for it too, wanted to witness the waves with us as dawn saturated the sky in salmon splendor. { Did you know } There is a promised pause just before morning is born ... when the sky sleeps nude and tides coincide with the coast in an alluring interlude. A moment, chaste in rebirth, when the horizon holds it's breath in awed anticipation, and all that can be heard in this blue hued hesitation is the contenting cadence of the wave's consistency. Twilight pales, the horizon exhales, the naked sky unveils dawn's deliverance. Sunrise seduces a satin shore turning the surf to stained glass, reflecting champagne clouds as waves stretch across sultry suede sand. We wandered the beach barefoot and carefree, wading in the bay's blue waved reverie. Waiting for dolphins, watching the gulls in swoon, wondering of secrets they cry as they swoop and fly ... leaving cryptic calligraphy wherever they land upon topaz tanned sand and taupe dusted dunes. Rose-colored clouds concealed a Monet moon as crimson tinged tides curl towards pastel shores. It was then the warm wind whispered words I had heard so many times before ... "You are there, yet still here with me" "Butterflies are meant to be free "... And in that fragmented moment ... promised on pages of chapter, verse, and rhyme, we found them falling in fragile flutter. "Memories pressed between precious moments in time" Stirring echoes on an endless flight enticed upon autumn's auburn invite, Monarch messiahs held to migration's rite. Instincts insist of the season in summons, a sequestered few sacrificed themselves on surf soaked sand, and it was there upon a destined beach of unconditional understand, I held the miracle of your traces left behind in my trembling hand. {Wasn't it was just the day before, that I had traced you in the grains of time and gave you back to the tides.} An epilogue born of ritual became an epiphany of rare. Velvet winged empyreans penned a poetic epitaph across a promised sky ... serving proof You were still there. Now at peace in knowing all things promised Had now come to be ... there was only parting's sweet sorrow as I left you and my heart on a crystal blue bay christened by a sacred sea. "You are there, yet still here with me" "Butterflies are meant to be free" ... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
quote: ing here. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Oh Pete.  I wouldn't be in here if she hadn't winged me to death!!! |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
Kari...at least she winged you, she didn't even tell me. Fine, I'll be on the porch...  |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Janet Marie....I'm proud too!! |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Hi Janet Marie! I can well understand why the professor wants to publish this poem. I wish that I had your gift for description. This is marvelous word painting. I printed out your poem and submit the following suggestions for your consideration in your revision process. I was unable to reproduce your italics and I would encourage you to leave them as you wrote them. I worked these changes separately from the recommendations made by Sunshine. When I looked back at her post, I saw that some of our suggestions were the same. See what you think, and disregard anything that doesn’t serve you. Shenachie Promised Presence by Janet Marie ... and on the seventh day ... there were butterflies on the beach ... The fading stars wept sanguine tears, staining the moon mauve as it lingered late on a warm September morn, for it too, wanted to witness the waves with us as dawn saturated the sky in salmon splendor. {Did you know?} There is a promised pause just before morning is born ... when the sky sleeps nude and the tides coincide with the coast in an alluring interlude, a moment chaste in rebirth, when the horizon holds its breath in awed anticipation. All that can be heard in this blue hued hesitation is the contenting cadence of the constant waves. Twilight pales as the horizon exhales. The naked sky unveils dawn's deliverance. Sunrise seduces the satin shore turning the surf to stained glass, reflecting champagne clouds as the waves stretch across sultry suede sand. We wandered the beach barefoot and carefree, wading in the bay's blue waved reverie. Waiting for dolphins, watching the gulls in swoon, wondering the secret they cry as they swoop and fly ... leaving their cryptic calligraphy wherever they land upon the topaz tanned sand and taupe dusted dunes. Rose-colored clouds concealed the Monet moon as crimson tinged tides curl towards the pastel shore. It was then the warm wind whispered the words I had heard so many times before ... "You are there, yet still here with me" "Butterflies are meant to be free "... And in that fragmented moment ... promised on pages of chapter, verse, and rhyme, we found them falling in fragile flutter. "memories pressed between precious moments in time" A stir of echoes on an endless flight enticed upon autumn's auburn invite, Monarch messiahs held to migration's rite. Instinct answers the summons of the season. A sequestered few sacrificed themselves on surf soaked sand. It was there upon a destined beach of unconditional understand, I held the miracle of your traces left behind in my trembling hand. {… it was just the day before, that I had traced you in the grains of time and gave you back to the tides.} An epilogue born of ritual became an epiphany of rare. Velvet winged empyreans penned a poetic epitaph across a promised sky, serving proof you were still there. Finally at peace in the knowing all things promised had now come to be ... there was only parting's sweet sorrow as I left you and my heart on a crystal blue bay christened by a sacred sea. "You are there, yet still here with me" "Butterflies are meant to be free" ... [This message has been edited by Bridget Shenachie (11-04-2003 11:03 PM).] |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Kari ... I have read your poetry...you are more than qualified. *S* Thank you for the support and encouragement. ( I'll see you again in a min) LOL Susan... thank you so much...I'm honored to be kept. *L* ... (its was the litterbations, wasnt it.) LOL  Toad... thank you my "honest injun" Kari ... honeychild...I've only just begun to wing. ( i'll see you again) again.*L* Pete...shes just playing hard to get..eventually the sun always come out to play. Dunc ... stop that fibbing...or we're gonna put ya in the kennel. Thank you for the time you spent on this too, even if ya dont want to post it and blow that dumb blonde act. lmao heh Martie... thank you for the "proud" sweets Im excited to be getting the feed back from the professor and anyone here who offers another view...its the only way we can see the poetry outside our own emotional bias. We have to learn to be comfortable with constructive crit( both giving it to others and taking from others,) to be able to grow as writers. [This message has been edited by Janet Marie (11-05-2003 12:12 AM).] |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Ok..now...Kari and Bridget ... first of all thank you so much for the time you both gave me to look this over and rework it. I just got home and want to study your suggestions more in depth..but for now I was wondering this..... How did you come by the place you chose your line break? Do you break it by where you pause when reading it? When writing free verse does anyone do the line breaks based on even looking lines and well defined verse structure? I tend to be on the "anal" side about the lines all being somewhat close in length... Also to any one reading...I know this is loaded with alliterations...that was deliberate for several reasons...but did they make it hard for you to read? Seem forced? And in the case of several allits in a row...if they are broke up from the allit before it by a line break...do you think the allit looses its impact? Thank you again to all for your time and suggestions. I appreciate and value the feedback and advice so much.  Words break into splinters on the pages I write |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
Janet, I like the way you wrote this, coming from an emotional point of view, is how it should be read, because that is how the poem makes you feel, emotional....I think if you change it at all, go with the way Kari says, but personally, you shine in this one. |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Janet-- I use line breaks to clarify and emphasize meaning in free verse. So in suggesting line breaks for the work of another, there is always the risk of an emphasis not intended by the writer. As far as line length in free verse--I like to play free and easy with whatever I write. Blank verse requires iambic pentameter. I love your alliteration and didn't check to see if the line breaks that I suggested interfered with effective alliteration. Hope that you have some time to mull over the suggestions. It usually takes me about two weeks. And some days, I just take a break from the revision process. That keeps me from making changes in my original poem that I regret later. This poem is outstanding, and it would be a shame to make any changes that would detract from its brilliance. Shenachie |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Sea-girlie...youre so good to me Thank you...I know that you know the reasons this one is special and needed to be written more than it needed to be "poetically correct" Still I know me moody muse has to learn some new ways to say whats screaming to get out. LOL Thank you always for your understanding of my work.Bridget ... I humbly thank you for such generous praise of this piece...Like you, the professor wanted me to keep the allits in tact, even if I felt they were "over the top" This is one that I am too close to personally to be able to look at it unbiasedly so I need to see what does and doesnt work for the reader. I know the allits and all the adjectives will be too much for some readers tastes...and that lends to the thoughts that I could write another version with the "less is more muse" trying her hand. ( What do ya think my groovy Toad-dude?) Thank you again for all your suggestions and help...I can see why Kari values your editing skills so much. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Heck, I'll take another "less is more" from your muse on this piece, just to see where s/he takes it... |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
I'm so very proud of you...and this...? I can't see my monitor for the tears.. You always do this to me JM! Love ya lady. |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
Well... you know I'm allergic to critique... giving or getting. LOL But I did want to congratulate you. *S* And as I read the excellent suggestions, I realized I could contribute just a bit... even if it's only opinion... and mind you... that's all it is... I live and die by "feel." *S* I don't think alliterations have to be all on the same line to be effective... in fact, they can seem contrived sometimes when all jammed together. Think of how we "hear" subtle internal rhymes... those are often MORE effective than the "it's the end of the line, I'm gonna make this rhyme if it kills me" ones. *S* |
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scorpio Member Ascendant
since 2002-10-02
Posts 5178right...there |
My thoughts, for whatever they may be worth, are change nothing. Janet Marie, you can't change perfection. believe in what your heart feels... |
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Toad Member
since 2002-06-16
Posts 161 |
Asking me what I think could be classed as a little unfair due to the fact that you already know I don’t like it as it stands. I think there’s a good poem in there, I just think it needs some whittling to find it. Of course one contrary opinion amongst so many positive replies probably only goes to prove how wrong I can be so if I were you I’d disregard everything I write. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
JM... I'm glad you posted this... and glad you have taken some steps to get recognition for the words you write.. as for a critique.. LOL... I'm going to have to get back to you... I'm just in from the road and need to play catch up before I get in depth with reading or commenting. I'll say ( not to your liking) that I have a bias for concise which makes me tend to want to rewrite.... LOL |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Kari ... consider it a project in the works.... I'll say more farther along on this thread. Nancy ... youre so sweet.. thank you girlie...dont cry tho...we love that beautiful smile of yours. Ruth ... are you saying I make you itch? LOL Thank you for both the congrats and the advice...SEE..it wasnt so hard to offer your expertise now was it. I'll expect to see more of you in here. TY girlie.scorpio ... thank you very much for such kind words... my muse and I both appreciate it |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Toad ... Hey you-- ya know what they say...alls fair in poetry and crit. *L* I called you out as I happen to love the edits you sent and plan to use them. So disregard you? I couldnt if I tried. Wrong? nope..I read your poetry, I know better. Ron ... welcome back groovy guy..the moth missed ya. And yes... I am WELL aware of your editing skills ( Psssst-- Susan, quick hide my allits) heh -- Which is why I wanted you on this... As you and Dunc protest and I persist... I'll share a little secret with you...I deliberatley went for all the allits and adjectives in this as I planned to lay the litterbations to rest after this one..they have been a big part of my poetry for awhile now and I know its time to move on and try new things. So... show the long winded muse another view. Thank you everyone for the generosity you share with me in both critique and encouragement of my work. |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
OMG!!!!!!!!!  No more litterbating?????? Are ya gonna get rid of that silly tiger too???? I am in shock!!!!! Cool...now we're gonna write another duet. JM does distill.  |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Get back on that porch Dunc and behave... we're in CA now. And I KNEW you were gonna ask that... Lets be very clear... litterations come and go...Tigerboyyeee poetry is here to stay. ( insert dancing tiger here) LOL Duet? Distill? wouldnt that require a muse?  yayaya |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Dunc? why ya wanna dare a moth  |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
And you tell me to behave... |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
JM.... you already know what I'd do with this..LOL.. cut it down to about 1/4 the size it is..lose the flowery adjectives and use a few strong selected ones to drive the images, and rethink the idea I had to say so much in one piece... ya know.. we've written together and ya know how I am...lol.... thanks for the welcome home Moth... good to be back. |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
"and rethink the idea I had to say so much in one piece..." ================= but ... but... but... when me moody muse only comes round once in a blue moon...I dont want her to shut up. yeppers, I know you...and you know me... you edit out the allits and I put em back in LOL guess we are both just stubborn missouri mules SEE?? alliterations just happen.  When I get some quiet time to whittle...Im going to try writing another version of this, a talented toad showed me another view...and it inspires me to want to see if I can keep the imagery and emotional intend of this poem in tact but with much less verbiage.... but first? me thinks I need rehab for allits and ellips Thanks again to all who came by and shared the view of you ... with me.  |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
After reading this - check your email - I sent you something I came into the wrong place by accident, what a gift a detour can be. |
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Seth Member
since 2003-04-13
Posts 74Arizona |
I'll be turning this in as my own work next semester. Sorry. Seth |
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Craw Member
since 2003-09-11
Posts 73Scotland |
You must have got a bulk order of adjectives. This is way too rich for my stomach. Some of it is almost incomprehensible: contenting cadence of the wave's constance the epilogue born of ritual became an epiphany of rare You could swop all the nouns round in these lines and they wouldn't make more or less sense. You've got an ear, though, if you could cut through the lush verbiage. [This message has been edited by Craw (09-27-2004 07:50 AM).] |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Seth....lol...thats one of the most original and honest replies Ive had. Im not sure how to respond....but Im darn sure grateful for Rons copywriting protection Let me know what grade WE get ROFL Craw, thank you for your suggestions and comments...I know this style of writing and all the alliterations is not going to be everyones "cup of poetic tea" thank you both for your replies. |
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croyles Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 102 |
well, i guess cause everyon loved it i might be wrong to say it wasnt good, but i can say i didnt really enjoy it. I always get this when reading a lot of poetry, i just cant feel for the poet, the theme or whatever is going on, i guess im just not sentimental enough, or not anymore lol. Used to love these things, now they ache lol. ok i realize that wasnt exactly constructive crit, just saying my thoughts though. |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Holy Moly! Those last two lines Jan, did your realize that one time Karilea posed a challenge, and I wrote about Willow using those SAME lines? Maybe you had told me them and they stuck or something but honest, it is my favorite poem of her, and I have it framed in my room. Here, look! /main/forumdisplay.cgi?action=displayarchive&number=74&topic=003299 Well you get the idea, it's a Gemini thing I guess? Merry Christmas Angel that you are! |
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