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Critical Analysis #2
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Finish Line (free verse)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Finish Line (free verse) |
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Marty Baird Member
since 2003-09-20
Posts 90Georgia, U.S. |
Dawn broke on a warm summer’s day. A group, small at first then growing in size gathered. People stretching and sprinting meeting new friends and old. A shot sound’s out, a race begins. Front off like rabbits the rest like snails wait there time to fly. With every heal strike the starting lines memory fades. Heat and time delete the ranks. Muscles filling with toxin and pain. Pride gives way, taking us to another world. From out of a dream the finish line appears. If only we can make it? Life evolves now around that point. Others around us can be felt Surging forward with energy unrealized. The line may have first been crossed and hour before. However in this one moment you’re the first one. Time ends for that event bringing different emotions to those who participated. Tomorrow will bring another race. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Marty Baird - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Marty, I'll leave any real critique to those who actually know something about free verse. I can say that it looks like and interesting start to me but I wonder about you line breaks, particularly the few long lines. What I can comment on though is the typos. It really bothers me to see something posted with so many errors that the author should have corrected. For example, in L4: sound's s/b sounds L6: heal s/b heel and lines s/b line's L12: and s/b an Besides those, you have some serious punctuation errors, some unbalanced commas at parenthetical phrases and some sentence fragments. It seems acceptable to avoid punctuation in free verse but, if you do use it, I think it should be used properly. JMHO, Pete |
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Marty Baird Member
since 2003-09-20
Posts 90Georgia, U.S. |
Dawn broke on a warm summer’s day. A group, small at first then growing in size gathered. People stretching and sprinting meeting friends old & new. A shot rang out, a race begins. The front off like rabbits the rest like snails waiting for time to fly. With every heel strike the starting line fades. Heat and time delete the ranks, muscles fill with toxin and pain. But pride gives way, taking us to another world. From out of a dream the finish line appears. If we can make it? Surging forward with energy unrealized we near that point. Others may have crossed an hour before. However in this one moment you’re the first. Now the event is over,and thoses who gathered feel tomorrow will bring another race. |
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