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Critical Analysis #2
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colifer
Junior Member
since 2003-09-20
Posts 37
Ohio

0 posted 2003-10-25 07:17 PM



eyes closed...everything still
without warn...without notice
out of the ground...into the skies
into the darkness where it lies.
eyes straining to focus or open
the black fades to red
all is covered in this substance
all is found, all is dead.
the quiet has been mistaken
for peace or other form
a misjudgement all have passed
for the cold seems very warm.
Where are the kings?
Where is the throne?
The men, we rule
when we are alone.
Somewhere, sleeping
somewhere dying
somewhere evil
continues lying.
"All this darkness
will go away."
So say my prayers
by break of day.

© Copyright 2003 Cole Simon - All Rights Reserved
hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
1 posted 2003-10-28 07:29 PM


I have to be honest... I can't really discern quite what you intend this to be about. Your style seems to be all over the place, and while you have a definite atmosphere, I think ultimately, that's about what it amounts to.

Exactly what were you trying to say with this? If you explain that to me, I can reread it with that in mind and maybe give some pointers on how to better focus your writing.

Welcome to the forum, and I hope I'll be able to help with this.

merlynh
Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411
deer park, wa
2 posted 2003-10-29 06:50 PM


At the break of dawn all day long,
Is the start of hope.

When else should one pray, I agree.  Everything comes with time in it's own season.  We all will know.  Keep it up.

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
3 posted 2003-10-29 10:13 PM


Just a personal observation here. The way CA works is everyone is expected to contribute to the criticism process. You are likely to get more response if you also contribute to that process. Rather than submit a whole gaggle of poetry for "the critics" to analyse, why nmot try contributing to others' efforts a little too?

Pete

colifer
Junior Member
since 2003-09-20
Posts 37
Ohio
4 posted 2003-10-31 04:37 AM


yeh that was already brought to my attention, pete. and i plan to rectify it as soon as i have a solid hour to sit down and look at some. which is soon. have patience with a man you don't know.
  i mean no disrespect,of course.

hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
5 posted 2003-10-31 02:52 PM


Well?
rich-pa
Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317
New Orleans, Louisiana
6 posted 2003-10-31 10:21 PM


yeah, i'm with hush on this one, i really have no idea what you're trying to tell me in this one...i mean it's full of some grand abstract ideas but all you're doing is telling me some stuff, you need to show it to me, make it concrete, it will help if you tell us what it is about but it would help even more if that was in the poem.

"freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..."  -janis joplin

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