MARINA OF MAY (pantoum style)

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Englishpoet
Member

since 2001-12-18

Posts 54
Birmingham, England

0 posted 2002-05-13 08:16 AM

MARINA OF MAY

Sparrows sang your birthday tune,
As we gathered in the Living Room.
Surprises sparkled like stars in June,
Bliss bubbled as rose perfume.

As we gathered in the Living Room,
Summer of smiles began to bloom,
Bliss bubbled as rose perfume,
Calling trombone play to resume.

Summer of smiles began to bloom,
Seeing the fragile figurine of clay.
Calling trombone play to resume.
True testimony to the tender day.

Seeing the fragile figurine of clay,
Floating on air during the dance,
True testimony to the tender day,
As the world watches in trance,

Floating on air during the dance,
Spinning silk-webs of silver glow,
As the world watches in trance,
A rising river of joy in full-flow.

Spinning silk-webs of silver glow,
Beyond the birthday's jubilee,
A rising river of joy in full-flow
Soul of summer is sailing free.

Beyond the birthday's jubilee,
Beyond life's suns and snows
Soul of summer is sailing free
Moulding magical rainbows

Beyond life's suns and snows
Surprises sparkles as stars in June,
Greek goddess' gentleness glows.
Sparrows sing your birthday tune.

©2002, Asif Ahmed.

I would appreciate with help to get the meter and beat right. Asif

The heights by great men reached and kept
Were not attained by sudden flight,
But they while their companions slept
Were toiling upward in the nigh

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

1 posted 2002-05-18 05:54 PM

The sparrows sang your birthday tune
As we sat in the Living Room
Surprises shone like stars in June
Bliss bubbling as rose perfume.

As we sat in the Living Room
Summer of smiles began to bloom
Bliss bubbling as rose perfume
With trombone play called to resume.

Summer of smiles began to bloom
See fragile figurine of clay
With trombone play called to resume
True testament to tender day.

See fragile figurine of clay
Float on air throughout the dance
True testament to tender day
World watching silently in trance.

Float on air throughout the dance
Silk-webs spun of silver glow
World watching silently in trance
A joyous river in full-flow.

Silk-webs spun of silver glow
Beyond the birthday's jubilee
A joyous river in full-flow
With soul of summer sailing free.

Beyond the birthday's jubilee
Beyond life's gentle suns and snows
With soul of summer sailing free
Magical rainbow forms and glows.

Beyond life's gentle suns and snows
Surprises shine like stars in June
Greek goddess' gentle nature glows.
The sparrows sing your birthday tune.

There are still a few flaws in my verson which could not be corrected without changing your entire line but I would say around 95% of your errors have been eliminated. The only line I had to change the rhyming word was...

moulding magical rainbows. It's a no-no to rhyme snows and rainbows, as it would be to try to rhyme show and black widow. If you are going to rhyme a one-syllable word with a multiple-syllable word, the accent must be on the last syllable, such as sure and endure, not sure and stature.

If you concentrate a little more on the amount of syllables per line you will go a long way toward creating a smoother poem. You've got the words...tackle the style

Englishpoet
Member

since 2001-12-18

Posts 54
Birmingham, England

2 posted 2002-05-18 06:51 PM

Dear Balladeer

Thank you for taking the time to go through my poem and edit it. I am learning the syllable approach and will go through my poems again.

Forever greatful

Asif

The heights by great men reached and kept
Were not attained by sudden flight,
But they while their companions slept
Were toiling upward in the nigh

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