I held each day deciduous - pipTalk Forums

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hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

0 posted 2002-05-09 10:58 PM

And this was not how I’d imagined fine-
I thought something finite and delicious,
two qualities that life would intertwine.
Instead I held each day deciduous,
the straightjacket excitement giving way
to low-blow loneliness in stereo night,
four A.M., singing anyone’s dismay
as my own, adopting an off-key plight.
Yeah, but moving on, life’s just not the same-
I’ve hung my monosyllabic anger
on a Goodwill-donation-bin hanger;
I’ve got better motivations than blame.
And this is not how I imagined love,
a get-with-the-world reality shove.

With this, I'm not too concerned about the iambic pentameter (I'm terrible with iambs). I am concerned that the lines flow well, and that the rhymes don't sound forced, and in the general quality of the poem. Thanks.

"deeper is life than lose: higher than have
-but beauty is more each than living's all"
-E.E. Cummings

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2002-05-10 11:30 PM

Honestly this is so out of character that I didn't even notice the rhyme until I read your comment. So I guess that is a pretty strong testament that it didn't seem forced, at least not to me. And I can add that I think it usually does stand out readily to me.

You are right about the meter too. It doesn't approach IP. As far as flow, it seemed pretty smooth to me although the content was not some of your best, JMHO, of course.

Is this a class assignment?

Thanks,
Pete

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2002-05-11 05:11 PM

No, I was just bored and I wanted to write but didn't know what I wanted to write... so I went off on a limb. Thanks for the input.

"deeper is life than lose: higher than have
-but beauty is more each than living's all"
-E.E. Cummings

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2002-05-12 07:09 PM

Believe it or not, there's a word for this: heterometric rhyme. Generally, it's used for comic poetry but I liked how it works here. I think the beginning and the end work pretty well but feel the middle -- the anger,hanger lines in particular suffer from a surplus of adjectives. Maybe a little more variety in terms of syntax might help there.

punksmurf
Junior Member

since 2002-01-01

Posts 37
new hampshire, U.S.

4 posted 2002-05-16 06:23 PM

i did notice the rhyming, but it didn't seem forced, it was a nice poem, although i agree not your best, but going out on a limb is good, and i think you got something real out of it.

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

5 posted 2002-05-18 02:55 PM

Hush, I'm afraid that non-concern for iambic (or trochaic) and concern for flow is asking for the impossible, like not being concerned about learning angles but just wanting the ball to go in the pocket. Iambic, or its equivalents, IS flow. The way the accents fall in the sentence is what produces flow. If they do not follow a specific pattern, there is no flow, as far as rhyming poetry is concerned. So you have two choices....master iambic or forget flow. Ya can't have it both ways, unfortunately

No, this poem does not have flow. It does appear in brief periods but is not sustained. For example....

I thought something finite and delicious
Instead I held each day deciduous.

Read those two lines and see if you can feel a smooth flow.
These are two rhyming lines which should follow the same pattern. First of all, we look at the syllable counts...and there is more than one way to look at them, based on the ending words. DELICIOUS, I think we can concede is read and spoken as a three syllable word...DE-LISH-US. DECIDUOUS, in my book, is a four syllable word..DE-CID-U-OUS. However some may say that it's a three syllable word DE-CID-UOUS. OK, let's take it both ways. If it's three syllables, then the syllable count is off...10 syllables for the first line, 9 for the second. If it's four syllables, the syllable count is right but the accents are off. deLISHus deCIDuous. In either case, flow has gone out of the window. Add that to the fact that the first line begins DA-dum and the second line da-DUM and the sentence has no chance for flow.

I know it can be a pain but iambic is to flow as water is to ocean...ya gotta have it!

Hope this ramble hasn't confused you more

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

6 posted 2002-05-20 10:01 AM

Hey Mike, It's good to see you in here. Thanks for commin' 'round.

Pete

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

7 posted 2002-05-20 05:01 PM

Hush-
A few critiques...nothing serious. ^^

"And this was not how I’d imagined fine-"
What are you imagining? I got lost at the first line...

"I thought something finite and delicious,
two qualities that life would intertwine.
Instead I held each day deciduous," How does one hold each day deciduous? I'm curious to know. The first two lines, again, I did not understand. What exactly is this something?

"to low-blow loneliness in stereo night,"
Stereo night is nice.

"Yeah, but moving on, life’s just not the same-" Moving on from what? The same after what?

"I’ve hung my monosyllabic anger"- A good way to describe anger.

Other than what the others have said, there are some well, laid out lines and thoughts. However, some of the content lacks clarity and direction. You could fix this in the future by writing the ending first and working your way to the beginning.
Just a few small details to look out for, but other than what you already know, this piece has potential. Good luck! ^_^

-Leah

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