Once Thought - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

buckysimone
Junior Member

since 2003-10-19

Posts 27

0 posted 2003-10-19 09:39 PM

...I once thought that I could control the things in life others couldn't, I once thought that the things people said could be brushed off and buried, all their selfish thoughts and their pride, I tried to forget, I tried to discover, I tried to hide, no one was helping me, I'm running away, Jogging away from where I'm not deserved, not wanted, not discovered, Shovels and work boots, digging up peoples words.......

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

1 posted 2003-10-19 11:36 PM

OK…I couldn’t resist this!

I couldn’t help noticing, you really have something interesting going on here.
To illustrate, I took the liberty of adding the line breaks in order to see how it scans.
Next, I put in parenthesis what I feel are unnecessary words to help smooth out the cadence somewhat. If you drop those words, the poem’s lost nothing. The meaning’s still there. Words between asterisks*, I added.
I would also drop the ellipses at the beginning and end. They also add nothing to this.

(…)I once thought (that) I could control
(the) things in life *that* others couldn't,
I once thought (that) (the) things people said
could be brushed off and buried,
(all) their selfish thoughts and (their) pride,
I tried to forget, I tried to discover,
I tried to hide, no one was helping me, (Period after “hide”. Caps at “No”)
I'm running away, Jogging away (Consider changing to: “I ran away, jogged away”)
from where I'm not deserved,
not wanted, not discovered, (Delete comma; add period here)
Shovels and work boots,
digging up peoples words(.......)

The last two lines are actually the most interesting part, to me, of an otherwise mundane beginning. That’s the one part of the whole poem that grabs me and makes me reconsider all your previous lines. I’d look for a similar metaphor to weave into the other part as well.

It’s still an interesting study and a good first attempt.

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com

[This message has been edited by cynicsRus (10-19-2003 11:37 PM).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2003-10-20 12:07 PM

Hi Bucky and welcome to the forum. I agree with Sid pretty much. His line breaks do help a great deal. In fact, they really are essential. And you do have some unnecessary words. Doing away with them does strenghten the poem.

I wonder if you posted this by cut and paste directly from a word processor. If so and the original had line breaks, the word processor probably ate them. Even if I write using Word, I cut and paste to Notepad to be sure of what the ultimate formatting will be. Then cut from there and paste into the forum window.

Pete

merc
Junior Member

since 2003-10-15

Posts 35

3 posted 2003-10-20 02:37 AM

I definately agree, this strikes me as simply unrefined. I think once you have had a chance to learn some of the mechanics and finer points (of which there are MANY!) you are going to be a fine poet.

I don't have anything to add that won't convolute what has already been said, I just wanted to let you konw that I am definately interested to see more of your work, and if you have any specific questions please don't hesitate to ask.

I'll help where I can.

merc

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

4 posted 2003-10-20 04:04 AM

Hey there,
I agree with the points made above, mostwhat. The sense is strong and worth a reforming to the structure to bring that out a bit more cleanly. I think perhaps you may replace "I" sometimes as well with "and" or semicolons between the thoughts you are expressing, just to eliminate the repitition of it a bit.
I hope you may work with it a bit more. Keep sharing

Essorant

[This message has been edited by Essorant (10-20-2003 10:30 AM).]

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.