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MoonLight Dance
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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MoonLight Dance |
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RedStoneEB Senior Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 772uk 
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Laid upon sweet crushed roses Beneath moonlit skies Drenched red skin smeared Love attack attached to heart Feelings exposed to surfaces Midnight dance performed Two lovers’ togetherness formed |
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| © Copyright 2003 Lee Hepworth - All Rights Reserved | |||
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merc Junior Member
since 2003-10-15
Posts 35 |
Heya RedStone, Ok a few general notes first. I want to say congratulations, you've written one of the hardest (if not the hardest) types of poems. It is incredibly hard to write a love poem without coming off cheesy, cliche, or just simply mediocre. So, again congrats for throwing down the gauntlet. Unfortunately, I must say, Have at you! I get the destinct impression that this is a personal event. If you are remembering something that happened and this poem was written for yourself then there is no need for you to embellish on the lines I am about to cite. If you wrote this with the intention of having it displayed/published/or otherwise read as your work, then I suggest you take a look at these lines: "moonlit skies" "midnight dance" "two lovers' togetherness formed" Moonlit skies tells me nothing, you might as well say "It's night". Midnight dance: this again, tells me nothing. Ambiguity, while it does have it's times and places, on the whole does not get you far in the context of this poem(in my opinion). Two lovers' togetherness formed: I hate to call anything cliche because I don't think there is anything more cliche than the word itself. But for want of a better term, this is a cliche line, and on top of that it's your finishing line. This leaves a bad taste to the end of the poem. And let me make it clear right now that I do not envy your position, I could not write something original and captivating that would capture what your trying to say. What I'm getting at (slowly) is that if you want your reader to be grabbed by this poem, you need to either put your reader in this place and let them be swept away by it. Or you need to say something of complete genius that sums all this up in a way that no one before you has done. In the interests of achievability, I would suggest the former: What did the moonlit sky look like, how did the moonlight affect your surroundings, what did this midnight dance feel like, look like, smell like, taste like. You have some amazing stuff here, "sweet crushed roses" I think this is a great line, but I want to smell them, I want to know how they were crushed, I could read an entire poem based specifically on that line. Drenched red skin smeared - anther good line Love attack attached to heart - this line is very interesting when spoken aloud. I think it's great. Too make a long story short (too late) I think this could be a good poem but, were you to continue to write poetry until the day you die, this poem would be a perpetual work in progress simply because love poems are almost futile they are so hard to write. Keep writing, merc [This message has been edited by merc (10-20-2003 02:59 AM).] |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I think it is pleasant little lovepoemlet. Enjoyed your words. [This message has been edited by Essorant (10-20-2003 04:44 AM).] |
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gringakiwi Member
since 2003-08-05
Posts 189 |
I agree with Merc about the last line. BUT what a love poem... if you fixed the last bit. It really got my heart racing. WOW!  Connie |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
The problem with love poems, which merc hinted at above, is that they have been done so many times that it is probably impossible to do something new. Therefore, you start of with what many would consider a cliche. That does make it defficult to produce something that those same many would find at all interesting. To me, that is not the main problem with this one. My first impression is, just one extended adjective. Every line, except the last, really serves only that purpose. You might get by with that if they are interesting enough in themselves but these are not. The first line is interesting and I too would like to know more about it. I don't have a problem, though, with the second. I found it a much more poetic way to say, it was night. Nothing at all wrong with that. But what is with L3? Alone it is incomplete and it doesn't tie to anything else. In short, it is a distracting fragment. I like the way L4 starts. "Love attack" is a nice description - good imagery. But I don't like the rest. Attached to heart is just incongruous, sounds too medical. "Feelings exposed to surfaces?" That line also just doesn't make sense as a whole. Then L6 again seems interesting although some may think it too cliche. Finally, the last line provides the subject and action of the poem although the action is minimal. It does have two problems though. First, it looks and sounds convoluted, somewhat like word inversions. Actually, it is not but it still leaves that impression, to me anyway. Others may not see it that way. The second problem is that it really looks like a forced rhyme. Anytime I read a couple of rhyming lines where the wording looks even a little awkward, it forces me to see it as a forced rhyme. This is only amplified when the rest of the poem is without rhyme. I think you would do better to tie the preceeding lines together or at least transition them better and fix the grammatical problems where words just don't go together. I think would help make what now seem to be unrelated adjective phrases a better buildup to the climax. Finally, eliminate that ending rhyme. Thanks, Pete |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Now that I've read Pete's comments I am inclined to agree with some of his points about the adjectives. Yet, I think the couplet is the most important part of this piece, adding strongly to the effect of chiming in togetherness. I hope you keep it [This message has been edited by Essorant (10-20-2003 12:30 PM).] |
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