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rose
Member

since 2003-08-02

Posts 53

0 posted 2003-09-29 09:22 PM

Softly I cried
Into the silent pouring of the nighttime
And slowly the moon gazed at me;
She told me not to cry
She said to me “my lonesomeness far exceeds what you will ever know”
“Oh no!! You do not know!!” I cried softly to her silver shimmer
but she spoke no more—
the moon is but a taciturn creature—
I cried out to her,
For now that she was gone—
I wanted her advice—
But she spoke no more,
Only slowly waxed and waned—
And wrapped the oceans streaming around her lithe rays—
And pulled them with her—
The only company to her loneliness.
The moon is, after all, a taciturn creature—

merlynh
Member

since 1999-09-26

Posts 411
deer park, wa

1 posted 2003-09-30 03:55 PM

I like your dramatization of how the moon was a taciturn creature being stubborn.

From zero to one.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2003-10-03 01:40 AM

Hi. I think the strong point in this poem is this sequence:

'Only slowly waxed and waned
And wrapped the oceans streaming around her lithe rays
And pulled them with her'

Although I would alter it slightly for flow, something along the lines of:

'Only slowly waxed and waned,
wrapped the oceans streaming around her lithe rays
And pulled them with her'

The rest of this feels like you're trying a little too hard to personify the moon... maybe letting the ideas and images come forth a little more softly, like the part I pointed out, would lend to a more subtle and better-flowing poem.

But that's just my opinion, and I'm sure there's people here who might disagree with me.

Hope I've helped.

Persona
New Member

since 2003-10-03

Posts 9

3 posted 2003-10-03 02:49 AM

I like it to be honest, Great concept, nice and simple and almost flawless flow.

Seth
Member

since 2003-04-13

Posts 74
Arizona

4 posted 2003-10-11 01:34 AM

Thanks, this idea is really great. You certainly have talent. I would agree with hush on the whole though....I will refrain from restating and simply blush. Nice poem.
Keep working at it I look forward to seeing your finished product.

~seth

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

5 posted 2003-10-11 11:54 AM

quote:
Only slowly waxed and waned—

How about only: “waxed” or “waned—not both?
It’s difficult for me to picture someone standing out there crying to the moon for about twenty nine days.

(Of course, it could conceivably be slightly more than half that, since your write seems to end on the New Moon cycle.)

Just trying to help

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com

[This message has been edited by cynicsRus (10-11-2003 11:58 AM).]

rose
Member

since 2003-08-02

Posts 53

6 posted 2003-10-23 05:33 PM

thanks, everybody for your replies and helpful hints...
cynicsRus, i totally agree with you...no one would stand around and cry out for the moon for a month.

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