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A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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no title, as usual |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
“do you like the world around you? are you ready to behave?” -Patti Smith gotta-go pedal-to-the-metal mentality sure gets ya in the end, as a collapse in composure, as a lack of rationality and patience and I am part of this world. credit card swipe, will it go through and how else do I pay for this gas which fuels foreign excursions and unnecessary deaths along with the eight-cylinder driving machine I bought while pleasantly pushing out of mind the concepts of social and environmental responsibility? not to mention my personal fiscal tragedies? an apartment floor littered with figures and bills, and the head that weighs heavily in my hands as the indecisions play in my mind- how to pay for groceries and insurance as I guilt over this T-shirt made in Bangladesh- there may be a child’s blood on my back yet here I sit an immeasurable distance away, swayed back and forth by the cognitive dissonance that rules my life, maybe I should see a doctor for my brain, take a pill and call it solace all for the small sum of a five-dollar co-pay yet my nature rebels, I may be part of this system but I’m fighting the aspects of myself that exploit others who live, work, and struggle where the ground is not so soft as my carpeted floor. ----------- It's been a while and I had to wrestle with my ending a bit- does it show? I also did this stream-of-consciousness I'm-a-busy-American-too-busy-to-stop-and-punctuate-my-sentences thing, hoping to set a mood that works for the content... does it work, or is it just muddled and confusing? Thanks ahead of time. |
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| © Copyright 2003 hush - All Rights Reserved | |||
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
I admire those who long to write in uncommon ways. So much are those who became known as great because they had the courage to be who they are; the list would surprise you. Twenty years in, working 24-7 knows. |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi hush, it's good to see you.. glad to see you writing.. and this is a long one too.... lol... you know me, the shorter the better... anyway, some suggestions...use or lose...  {delete} gotta-go pedal-to-the-metal mentality** great line here.... love those sounds when I read it out loud.... sure gets ya in the end, as a collapse in composure, as a lack of rationality and patience ** For me, I would rather you go with 'you' and not ya.... just me tho... hmmm, you could add some images here... and since you have pedal to the metal up above there... take out the abstract and replace with my gears are stripped and i have no brakes.... that would take care of composure and patience... something to think on.... and I am part of this world. credit card swipe, will it go through {and}for how else do I pay for this gas which fuels foreign excursions {and}the unnecessary untimely deaths {along with} {the} my eight-cylinder driving machine {I bought} while pleasantly pushing out of mind the concepts of social and environmental responsibility?** perhaps 'the social and environmental concepts of responsibility'... I think it rings better, not too sure tho.. leave it up to you.... it just seems to be quite a mouthful to say... not to mention my personal fiscal tragedies? ** perhaps rewording here... 'personal tragedies take its toll'.... an idea... an apartment floor littered with {figures and} bills,** unpaid perhaps..... and {the}my head {that} weighs heavily in my hands as {the} indecisions play in my mind- how to pay for groceries and insurance as I guilt over this T-shirt made in Bangladesh- there may be a child’s blood on my back yet here I sit an immeasurable distance away, swayed back and forth by the cognitive dissonance that rules my life, maybe I should see a doctor for my brain, take a pill and call it solace all for the small sum of a five-dollar co-pay {yet} my nature rebels, {I may be}at my part of this system but I’m fighting the aspects of myself that exploit others who** 'exploit the exertions of others' and drop 'who' down to the next line.... live, work, and struggle where the ground is not so soft as my carpeted floor. *** maybe 'where the floors are dirt and plush carpet tickles my bare feet'.... A few things to think on hush... hope it helps a bit.... it is a sad situation with those children, for sure.... as to a title... well, I would have to think on that a bit.... not one of my best things, you know... CJ |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Thanks for reading and commenting, merlynh. I actually didn't think I was writing so much in an uncommon way... sort of tried for a common way of writing poking at itself sort of thing? cat- Thanks for reading, and I finally have time to address some of the points you made. Adding imagery to the first stanza's a pretty good idea, I'll think on that. The bit about 'not to mention my personal fiscal tragedies' was suppossed to be fragmented... trying to evoke that state of mind when your thoughts are racing and then all of a sudden, something equally important and somewhat related just pops in there... kind of like piling up things that are wrong, or a mental to-do list, etc. In the last stanza, this line about the ground being not so soft was a quote from an Ani DiFranco song which basically sings about some of the issues I touched on... social inequalities, and especially the globalization issue... so I really wanted to keep that. But a lot of your suggestions were really good, especially some of the phrasing issues, so thanks for the time you put into this. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hush: I think you did a good job with this, but I agree with you that the ending isn't a strong as the body of the poem. I get the sense that you've communicated what you wanted to say, just not in the same manner as you did in the previous lines of the poem. I don't want to try to rewrite this (honestly, I don't think I'd do a very good job), but I would recommend that your focus be on: quote: I think you've done a good job earlier of illustrating your internal struggle without coming out and telling us directly that you are "fighting aspects of" yourself "that exploit others ..." That struggle is more-or-less apparent in the circumstances you've described and I don't think the lines I high-lighted contribute much to the effort. That said, I think the final two lines were more of the order of what I wanted to see in the rest of the final stanza. My getting stuck on wondering whether the "eight-cylinder driving machine" is a four-wheel drive SUV or multiport fuel injected high-performance machine is not your problem, it's mine. It's nice to know, however, that I am not alone in this vice. With any luck, advances in fuel cell technology will afford us guilt-free outlets for our vices. Jim |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
It's a '94 V-8 T-bird... I've got a bit of a lead foot. Thanks for the suggestions, I will definitely keep them in mind. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Ahhh ... the purr of the 4.6. Made the mistake of making mine the 3.8. My lead foot is matched by a leaden response. Oh well. At least it's not a minivan.  Better stop talking about cars, though, or we'll begin drawing accountants. Jim P.S. Oops. Too late. [This message has been edited by jbouder (10-28-2003 04:09 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey, are we talking about cars again?  |
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colifer Junior Member
since 2003-09-20
Posts 37Ohio |
i very much liked the description of the poem. and the way you wrote just kept me reading up until the end. the beat was kind of addictive in that way...one word right after the other. It's usually hard for me to get into a poem so consice because i may not be able to relate to those certain specifics. i'm a frosh in college so i don't think about car gas and bills so much. but you related it to a universal truth which kept me reading to learn and that's very much appreciated. |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
hey hush, i loved the poem first of all. the lack of punctuation and dashes works very well in my mind, i think punctuation is overrated (but i'm also lazy). i think the ending was good, it did an excellent job of bringing everything together and left us with something to chew on, which is good. i dig it. "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Well, Colifer, I'm a sophomore... you're very lucky if you're in college and don't have any financial worries... must be the life, eh? (Don't expect it to last very long unless your parents are footing the bill.) Rich, thanks... I have an affinity for dashes myself. |
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Yejun Junior Member
since 2007-11-21
Posts 49 |
I don't see any car poems these days so maybe this can come back with a new coat of wax. That sounds stupid, doesn't it? |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I'm seeing some computer confusion in places that renders some of it unreadable. I seem to be the only one, too? (Particularly in the Patti Smith quote but that I can figure out. )But I'll give it a shot on what I can read-- I'm nodding at that first line, it's a fast start, and don't you love when you can manipulate words to convey your tone so aptly? It works. You got us! I would have probably done something to seperate it from the rest of the first stanza though, maybe italics, or punctuate to clarify that the first phrase is actually a complex descriptive noun--something to qualify it as such. Maybe even an article to start the second line? (There's a lot of choices and it's just personal taste.) "and I am part of this world." I like the isolation of that--it draws attention to the line, and implies a feeling of disconnect from the chaos. This made me smile, because it's how I think sometimes, that rapid-fire interior dialogue that watches me watch myself. I think though, some thoughtful punctuation would strengthen it. "not to mention my personal fiscal tragedies?" That's a little bit weak for the "isolation emphasis" and I understand it opens the door for your next stanza, but I think it could either stick with the forewritten stanza. I could be missing something though. You followed that up nicely as you bring us from a description of "outside world turmoil" to the reflection of your "inside world disorder--and then, here is a line I suspect I like and it does well emphasized all alone: "there may be a child’s blood on my back" I think I like this, I get gobbledy stuff after child, but even if I fill in the blank, I like that this works literally and figuratively implying a weight of guilt. "yet here I sit an immeasurable distance away, swayed back and forth by the cognitive dissonance that rules my life, maybe I should see a doctor for my brain, take a pill and call it solace all for the small sum of a five-dollar co-pay" Personally, I'd lose the "Yet here" all together. I don't think it's necessary, and since the next stanza opens with yet another yet, one of them is repetitive and I'd lose the first one. Maybe the second one too. *smile* But again, it's just me and my personal taste. You've got great bones in this piece hush. You address completely the paradox of having to participate in the system that is so complexly running on all the immoralities that we protest, when we do stop to isolate each one and think about them. I do think that could be incorporated more strongly in the last verse--again there was some confusion for me as the gobbledygoo (do you believe I had to edit out the "k" on the gobbledygoo? ***Inappropriate Content Detected***--or lady, love the irony with me!) But it got me again. *sigh* But I think with some fine-tuning, a bit of sharper punctuation, and you take that rage against the machine and couple it with the helpless acknowledgement that we are all a part of that machine, and you'll have yourself an impactful, thoughtful work that translates even to people like me, who don't drive.  Now I'm gonna go see what everybody else said. (I promised me I would critique first, before I read other's.) Love ya lady, and it's always a good day when you're around. *hugs* |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Okay. I read everybody else's critiques. I guess it is a matter of personal taste. I have an affinity for punctuation though, and I am sure enuff lazy. When in doubt, leave it out? Sure. But y'gotta leave it ALL out for that to work, don't you? *confused* I still love the idea, and the moral responsibility of truth seeking, but I stand by my punctuation suggestions. For the sake of clarity; and I'm still shaking my head at "gobbledygoo". |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Well, this is from... forever ago... Thanks Karen. Not sure about the gobbledystuff (? inappropriate content? Really?) myself- it shows up where I had commas. |
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