»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
waiting for the days to end
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
waiting for the days to end |
|
|
caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
she treks to the living-room solo, in a slow-mo shuffle slumps in her armchair in an alcove for two listens to the ten time chime fingers of sun splay through the spruce to play on the window sill outside, girls hurry by in halter tops and thigh-high skirts one inch short of sin innocent as clouds their laughter fills the air and her day begins disciplined in silence CJ |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Carol Jane Bleichert - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
Man! One inch short of sin. Boy you can write in ways with words. This really says alot. I'll have to try and read more of your stuff. The ending blew me away. |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I really, really enjoy this... you write in a style that I very much enjoy, one I think I also use a lot... that is, with the quick series of rhymes and alliterations... some I especially liked were: 'solo, in a slow-mo shuffle' 'listens to the ten time chime' 'fingers of sun splay through the spruce to play' 'and her day begins disciplined' Must agree one the one-ince short of sin bit... incredibly clever, and I also especially liked the alcove for two line, because it made it painfully obvious that her 'solo' act is not an appreciated, chosen thing, but that she is terribly lonely. I have only one tiny 'niggle'- 'disciplined in silence' Perhaps 'disciplined by silence' would work better? |
||
|
Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Hi Cat well well the gathering of the clans eh? ... lol or maybe it's winter coming sending us all into online hibernation! I can't say much about this little piece other than the fact that it has some pleasingly original images effectively presented. Generally I'm not too fond of poems which seem to come over too overtly self pitying - the "he waits in hope of love" pieces always make me feel like screaming well get up off your *** and DO something about it then. But then that's just insensitive ol' me I guess. I think if I was writing about my misery (which I don't because I'm never miserable, but if I was) I'd try for something more tangential or covertly metaphoric. Anyway, the contrasts were well done, and its nice to see you back :o). R |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think it's a female thing. We tend to be more emotionally ruled... is that a bad thing? A good thing? A complementary thing? I dunno... but it would explain the majority of the fan base for the Counting Crows, anyway.  BTW, must be nice to never be miserable.  |
||
|
caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Thankyou merlynh... for popping in to comment and I am glad you liked. hush.... thankyou so much... and yes, that line with the alcove was important to get that thought across... so glad you mentioned that.. and, disciplined by silence sounds good..... Rob.... it's good to see you... wow, it's been awhile and yes, winter is acoming... lol ... and you miserable, uhuh, never... you're just a softy.. but I won't tell anybody, ok... glad you liked this one and thankyou for the welcome back.... it's nice to see old friends again. CJ |
||
|
Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Hello, I admired the imagery in this as well. It flows very nicely. The only thing I see is that it could use capitals and punctuation. Perhaps-- She treks to the living-room ; solo, in a slow-mo shuffle slumps in her armchair in an alcove for two and listens to the ten time chime . Fingers of sun splay through the spruce to play on the window sill outside : girls hurry by in halter tops and thigh-high skirts one inch short of sin . Innocent as clouds their laughter fills the air and her day begins disciplined in silence . I hope my suggestions are sound. Enjoyed the read. Essorant [This message has been edited by Essorant (09-14-2003 04:38 PM).] |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I loved the imagery...refreshingly different. I also thought the poem read very well. I enjoyed. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Not sure how I missed (or just passed) this the first time around but I'll join the bandwagon now and say I too think it is quite good - the imagery is fresh and almost visual. Maybe like Rob, I didn't find the first stanza too interesting. And the last sort of falls back into that self-pity feel. But the second is just delightful. "Fingers of sun splay through the spruce" is excellent. And I swear I am not a dirty old man but "girls hurry by in halter tops and thigh-high skirts one inch short of sin" is an image any red-blooded bloke is sure to notice   Thanks, Pete |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: This is the best part of the poem though, unlike others, I hate that last line (I physically cringed when I read it). What I would do is focus on this, drop the other two stanzas and bring out more of her character. I do think you're on to something here. |
||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Essorant - punctuation? Capitals? May I ask why? Not tradition I hope. Grammatical purposes even? ~brr~ I challenge you on that. The poem is absolutely fine without them. Hey Cat - long time etc etc. You know, I really like this piece. My suggestion - similar to Brad's...I'd think about cutting the last stanza completely. I'm aware that it 'ties up' the piece and completes the telling of a scene/story. It's for that reason I'd cut it. The first two stanzas capture moments. The third lengthens into a state of being. Together, they're disconcordant. Ill-fitting. I'd keep it simple, tight. K [This message has been edited by Severn (09-22-2003 05:13 PM).] |
||
|
Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Severn, Why do you bear ill feelings towards punctuation and capitals? Did they do something to you? If they are used very kindly they will respond as kindly and casually as the letters that you spell words with. They are just part of the language like toes are part of the body and support the natural gait. I am not saying the poem isn't well without punctuation here. It is lithely written. I just suggested using them, not because I didn't think it was fine but because I thought it could be those punctuation points finer. [This message has been edited by Essorant (09-23-2003 03:04 AM).] |
||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Aha! A rash assumption my friend I don't bear them ill-will at all. In fact, much of my poetry actually uses punc/caps. Let me just say this: Freeverse poems crafted (and I do mean crafted) without punc\caps are generally crafted that way for a reason. Why then suggest otherwise? Take the poem above. Tell me why you feel that specific poem needs punc/caps? 'Punctuation points finer' by any chance? Which suggests to me that you feel work and words lacking punc/caps are inadequate - no matter how lithe the work might be. Just something to think on.. K [This message has been edited by Severn (09-23-2003 03:59 AM).] |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
That coin also has another side. As valid as it may be to ask why Essorant suggests punctuation, the poem does have some punctuation. Is it not just as valid to ask why those two commas are there? |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Caterina: I really like this. The last line worked for me too. "in a slow-mo shuffle ... in an alcove for two ... one inch short of sin" give me the impression that the observer is elderly. The final line, reinforces this. There is a contrast separated by the window's glass between the way things are now and the way they once were, and the inevitability of becoming set in our ways. My only comment on the punctuation/caps issue is that if the poem is not hindered by their absense, then why worry about it? Perhaps those who fret too much over such details are set in their ways too? I suppose it could be worse ... they could be like some of my old high school buddies who are still stuck listening to "Boston" and "REO Speedwagon."All that said, I do want to know more about the observer in the poem. You've given me a glimpse, but I think there are still possibilities to explore. I can assume she's elderly and a widow (alone in the alcove for two), but I want to know more. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (09-23-2003 12:45 PM).] |
||
|
Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Not A Poet, Certes; if one is going to do attention or ignorance to punctuation he ought do whether one he will well fully. But still, punctuation is part of the tongue, and that is the crown point of my argument. If you don't use it then you aren't using the language consummatedly. What are freeverse form Poets going to do away with next? Using letters too?  "Tell me why you feel that specific poem needs punc/caps? 'Punctuation points finer' by any chance?" Severn, As I mentioned I think it works nearly without any punctuation too; but I felt my suggestion shows just bit how punctuation may not hinder anything but make the poem just to be more consummated. But if my suggestion did a wrong to the poem or the poetess' intention then I will take back. [This message has been edited by Essorant (09-23-2003 02:54 PM).] |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
No, don't take it back Essorant. And I think you may have misinterpreted my comment. I too like punctuation. I was attempting to back up your comment. I do understand that poetry can be written devoid of punctuation but I think it would be extremely difficult to do that properly. I have seen some that I thought completely acceptable without but they are extremely rare. I certainly do not have the skill to do so, myself. I think in this case there are 2 commas which tell me that Cat also could not pull off a poem without at least some punctuation. All right then, why use those 2 commas which are grammatically incorrect anyway, considering the otherwise lack of any punctuation? Would it not have been better to structure the poem properly so punctuation would have bee unnecessary? My humble uneducated opinion (and you all know how humble that opinion really is) is that a poet who tries to write without punctuation must first master the skill to do so then strictly adhere to that methodology. To slip in a few incorrect commas in an attempt to direct the reader or such seems to me to be a half-hearted effort. I would much prefer to see proper punctuation throughout. In short, I think Essorant makes a valid point that does not deserve to be given short shrift. JMHO Pete |
||
|
dingusjr Member
since 2003-09-24
Posts 415Missouri |
OK...new member, first post..... This I LIKE. Cat, I am a fan. Look forward to seeing more. (can't get over those skirts a inch close to sin) |
||
|
caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hello everyone, I have been busy lately, just now able to get back to this.... It seems I've started a bit of a thing here concerning punctuation and capitals.... i chose to work with the linebreaks with this one... and I do see that I have one comma in there, that was a mistake, sorry.... I will take your suggestions into consideration.... Jim hit the nail on the head with this poem.. it's about my mother-in-law... her husband passed away a few years before her and she just seemed to go through the motions hence my title... she was a very vibrant and feisty woman in her youth and so I brought the young girls into the poem taking her back with memories.... 'one inch short of sin'... I guess you either like it or you don't... I do appreciate all your thoughts and comments.... it helps me tremendously to improve on my writing.... thankyou.. take care... CJ |
||
|
merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
This is the second time I found myself back here reading. It even insprised me again! I am an old writer, if you would be so kind to let me give you some advice from an old friend of mine who I admire said when it came to writing the english language correctly, he thought, "Any fool can make a rule, And every fool will mind it."--Henry Thoreau His book "Winter" is a season ticket for those with your disapline. Trust me. There's nothing wrong with you coloring outside the lines. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
