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Craw
Member
since 2003-09-11
Posts 73
Scotland

0 posted 2003-09-11 10:42 AM




In the distance, young bucks
rev nervous cars, race the fracturing night.
The baby is wobbling back
from Genghis Khan to Snow White.
She gives one last scream
then bubbles, softly,
so the birds can at last come
through, with sympathy
from high silhouettes of trees,
their young better adjusted
to complications like night and sleep.
Vents flare in the sky, yellow, red,
and soon we'll have the day's artillery,
brash and furious: in fact, a lullaby.

© Copyright 2003 Craw - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 2003-09-11 08:15 PM


quote:
In the distance, young bucks


You can probably do a little more with the bucks reference, expand on it in conjunction with GK.

quote:
rev nervous cars, race the fracturing night.


Too much of a jump. My first thought was that this was a whole poem to itself.

quote:
The baby is wobbling back
from Genghis Khan to Snow White.
She gives one last scream
then bubbles, softly,
so the birds can at last come
through, with sympathy


Not sure you need sympathy, the image works fine without it.

quote:
from high silhouettes of trees,
their young better adjusted
to complications like night and sleep.
Vents flare in the sky, yellow, red,
and soon we'll have the day's artillery,
brash and furious: in fact, a lullaby.


Like the end line here but wonder if it might be better situated earlier letting artillery (or perhaps archery given the GK allusion). Nice poem. How old is the baby?


Robtm1965
Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263

2 posted 2003-09-12 04:52 PM


I don't understand Brad's idea for a linkage between GK and bucks, but most of the rest of his comments I tend to agree with especially the cutting of "sympathy".   The final three lines are the strongest imo and I quite like the ending as it stands.  L9-11 strike me as weak simply because I feel that I've just been dragged from some nice imagery into a biology class.  This was however a joy to read.

Thanks.

hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
3 posted 2003-09-12 05:14 PM


I liked lines 9-11... but I'm a bird person... I have a pet bird who likes to be up and squawking at 7:30 AM... and anyone who knows birds knows that the best way to shut them up is to make it dark around them.

I've read this three or four times so far, and I like it better with each read. The one thing that strikes me is the word 'bubbles'- it makes me think of a dying breath of someone with oneumonia... and the image of that sort of sound is a profoundly disturbing thing to me... and it seems that you want to use it in a more peaceful, baby settling down sense. It may just be me and my personal associations, though...

Anyway, I enjoyed, hope I've helped.

Robtm1965
Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263

4 posted 2003-09-12 05:28 PM


Hush

I disagree in so far as my 22 yr old cockatiel will not shut up or get back into his cage until he totally KNOWS I am in bed.  Darkness doesn't shut him up at all. But then come to think of it he thinks he's human, so go figure.

My rescue pigeons are sort of normal though ... lol.

R


hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
5 posted 2003-09-12 05:33 PM


Well, male cockatiels a pain in the you-know-what... but I am impressed that you have one that's 22 years old... I have a 6 year old quaker (the loud one) and a 10 year old (female) cockatiel whi never really makes all that much noise at all.

Lest this become a complete thread hijack, I think it just goes to show what certain images can evoke in your audience... I personally very much liked the image of the birds, I especially can appreciate it not only because I have birds, but because I work in bars and I can totally relate to the feeling that one gets when going to bed at the same time that the birds are getting up... and knowing you have to get up in a few hours to face the 'day's artillery' as such...

Robtm1965
Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263

6 posted 2003-09-12 05:49 PM


nothing wrong with a good thread hi-jack ... lol, specially if it's about animals.  Yes, my cockatiel is special - he is going for the longest lived cockatiel record, and will do it too!  He is just the same as he was 20 years ago - loud, demanding, totally fearless, unable to fly and endlessly loving!

I appreciate what you are saying about L9-11 and i don't dispute that they are accurate, it's just that they are sort of too accurate and "biologically correct" compared to the rest of the poem.  Fine, the birds respond to their natural biological clocks and cycles and the baby doesn't - so what, we know that already.

Sorry i'm not explaining this well, In a hurry and tired.  Maybe later :o).

R


hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
7 posted 2003-09-13 01:43 PM


I don't really see much that's all that scientific here, just seems like an observation to me:

'from high silhouettes of trees,'

The word silhouettes reinforces the idea that morning is just around the corner.

'their young better adjusted
to complications like night and sleep.'

Okay, it's not like the line goes

'their chicks better adjusted
to the circadian rhythms of rest and wakefulness'

or something like that. I really don't see that this is too technical in that sense at all...

Robtm1965
Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263

8 posted 2003-09-13 04:48 PM


lol Hush

point taken up to a point but my point is that those lines and particularly the last two of the trio are different (unfavourably so imo) to the remainder of the poem and my "scientific" comment was intended as an exaggeration to illustrate that difference.

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